chronicles of young

 I called the phase of my life after undergrad was officially over and before I officially started work, The Last Summer. It was, and still is, one of the best times of my life. Facebook has been reminding me through photos from 6 years ago.  6 years on... its this in-between period again. Similarities, but HUGE differences. It isn't the same when you are adulting. Yet at the core of it, I guess things stay the same, even though there are things the world tells me like I need to think about my career development etc.  1. My values stay the same- Fixing my eyes on Christ, imperfectly, but always finding it back to His guiding light 2. My dreams are still important and valid- haha actually this is what prompted me to post here after so long- I really love this song lyrics and the story behind it. The self-doubt, the denial, the tussle within yourself, and the breakthrough to find actualisation.  3. Learning, learning about navigating and cultivating relationships, both...

 (Haha post title inspired by my current favorite Kdrama- Guardian)  Its not 'because the weather was good enough' as I know what I am going to write is what I know to be true for me regardless of the weather. Its just that when the weather is bad (read: the sun's rays are obscured), I feel like things are more grey and the brightness in my heart grows dimmer. Perhaps this is really the limits- or rather more positively, stretching of my faith to hope, trust, love and rejoice in all circumstances.  Writing down some reflections/reminders recently, with much thanksgiving- God is giving me good gifts right now; all the time in all different seasons. Was comparing and thinking about 'what could be' recently which got me pretty emotional, and a  timely article on God's providence from C. really spoke to me. There are so many good gifts that I could list out when b0bear asked me what these were when I shared my reflections- well worth remembering on overcast days. B...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...

神的儿女要唱一首新歌，我们神要做新事 旧的事都已经过去，在基督里一切都要更新 新的眼界 新的異象，新的故事 新的方向 (Give Us Vision, SOP 2015) 1. Beginning from the latest 'new' thing (or rather one) | I do remember a time in 2018 where I was almost in the depths of despair as I realised that I have not been known fully and I doubted if there was anyone who would know me fully and truly accept me. Recalling my reflections on being human after Anntic 2016, this struggle to be known/making myself known has been a rooted one.  I guess one of the most beautiful, gospel-proclaiming joy of being a together-er, +1, half in a relationship that is more than ourselves is this- to be fully known and to be fully accepted. Of course, my reflexive self is aware that I might well be suffering from the age-old 'love is blind' illness. But that is not really true because there has been uncomfortable reflections and disclosures that show me (us) that these old ways need to be given up. And still, the acceptance (intentional...

I truly thank God for this in-between season as I look ahead toward the new chapter of my life even as I prepare my heart to leave. Abba, You really do have a sense of humour. I had this mindset to wrap things up and press the reset button like I did 4 years ago, but You showed me otherwise. I asked for an end in my subconscious when faced with such brokenness and evil at work- seemingly more in recent months as I prepare to leave. My heart sighs and breaks at relationships not reconciled, children in lack, and youths seeking intimacy and significance in broken ways. Grief is uncomfortable. And You remind me that I have a calling as a prophet- to see, to grief, and then point to hope ( Brueggemann, 2014 ). I was readying myself for farewells and the inevitable (?) drifting of friendships- yet I'd grown deeper in friendships with young ones and those already in my life. Used to think that I'm not really a people person; but I guess 2019 is showing me otherwise. I was (am) ...

"O GOD, I bless thee for the happy moment when I first saw    thy law fulfilled in Christ,    wrath appeased,    death destroyed,    sin forgiven,    my soul saved. Ever since, thou hast been faithful to me;    daily have i proved the power of Jesus' blood,    daily have I known the strength of the Spirit,         my teacher, director, sanctifier. I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,    desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,    need no other look than that which gazes on the cross. Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,                    if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,                          experience, deeds and not seen them as filthy rags,           ...

I was journalling this bit of reflection down and thought it would be wise to blog it for easier access- I need to be reminded of this constantly. That is: Knowing myself, and with people affirming that I am capable, I must never give myself over to the lie that I am of greater worth.  My worth is not in skill or name In win or lose, in pride or shame But in the blood of Christ that flowe At the cross       [My Worth Is Not in What I Own] "According to the bounty of his land, They have embellished his sacred pillars." (Hosea 10:1) The last thing I want is for my thinking to be so fixed and so closed off to others due to pride that I become like the person I have difficulties with now. I'm pretty sure there is a lot of room for examining my thoughts about this person but that is for another time. On a brighter and totally different topic- met up with 3 friends from JC today! It was our first meeting together in like 5 years?! I am fil...

The best kind of holiday is the one that allows you to reflect and be refreshed, and that was exactly what the Jogja trip did for me. Significantly, I think I had the conclusion to the prayer requests I asked of my colleagues for a few months at morning devotions (I admit I hadn't been very faithful in praying by myself- value of community experienced). The main tension/question experienced in the transition from student to professional was: Am I doing enough for the kingdom of God? Well I do think it's fallacious to say that this will be the tension one faces in transiting to work because this tension is supposed to stay throughout our lives as we seek greater love. Two threads of thoughts (trying to be more organised here) culminated from thinking during the long car rides and that 3 hours alone together with my 2 dear INFJ friends: God demands much of us, mortal man made in His very image. To be like Christ is an uncompromising perfect standard, yet fitting for a...

I'm really quite zapped after having a super intense conversation which happened after a long day of team bonding. But writing these down to process my emotions and thoughts (one advice on how to use my top strength which is Intellection) I am not a team person. I am self-centered and if I were not a Christian I would be one major asshole. Yet today as Psalm 46 was read for devotions, I choked when it came to me to read verse 3. Angry, indignant of how I perceived the Psalm was used like that to apply to the pending upheaval and to smoothen things in the team. And then broken also. Broken because P. rightly, very edifyingly pointed out that everyone in the team has mostly good intentions. Broken because of my own resistance as I closed off and retreated into my self-centered state.  Also because v4 is something I hold close to me (that's personal): "Ada sebatang sungai yang alirannya akan menggembirakan kota Allah, tempat suci khemah Yang Maha Tinggi." A rive...

Dreams verbalised to and encouraged by different friends. Vague as they are- do I even know what I am talking about? "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end." Ecclesiastes 3:11 (NLT) 一步一步要凭着信心走 - 求神扩大我的心。 "A bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice; he will not falter or be discouraged until he establishes justice on earth. In his law the islands will put their hope."   Isaiah 42:3-4 (NIV)

This should be for when I feel like I am not going anywhere, not making any difference, or not doing enough where I am in social work. 蜻蜓/pepatung/dragonfly 荷叶孤浮水面上， 带着莲花之盼望。  水底海草蜻蜓迷，  放纵自己去探索。    The most part of this month was grappling with wanting to be free.   Free to do what, and from what? To do what I want, both in social justice and interfaith work and what-not to change the world, and more frivolous stuff like going where I want when I want (i.e. alone). To be free from being bound to imperfect systems- in my mind operationalised as getting told what to do regardless of whether I choose to or not. (But the root of it is, I realise, I hate getting told what to do especially when I feel like it constrains the create-tive use of my time) Are you truly free?  For what seemed like a long struggle, I didn't want to accept that in many senses, I am not free to do as I please. Resentment would be riled up when I perceived that my time...

The entire trip with the Hagar staff and supporters was a tremendously blessed one. Apart from seeing the wonderful work done, it was also meeting people that have the same heartbeat and have gone ahead of me. Just wanted to write down how each of these people have touched my life, for that blip of shared time in Hanoi: Firstly, it became such a joy being somewhat of a wallflower and looking at Lynette laughing so heartily at the smallest things. There was always something to laugh at or be playful about, and the van was filled with boisterous laughter throughout the 4 days. The sisterhood with Camy was also something so beautiful, and both of them really exuded that joy in service and in working for Hagar. It must have been a leap of faith to work in Hagar with only 3 staff and no office (until recently), being in the stable job of MSF. Kelda's dedication to take photos which meant she would always not have a nice shot of her inside the group photos was also so...

Hoan Kiem Lake Hari ini Jumaat Baik. What a strange sounding translation of Good Friday. It is also strange that I am in Hanoi instead of Good Friday service. Listening to the intermittent honks from the traffic below our hotel and watching the sunlight slowly suffuse the 'therapeutic' room as Jas described. Dua kawan-kawan aku masih nyenyak tidur, seperti semua baik di bumi. Good Friday meningkatkan aku tentang Yesus Kristos terseksa di Calvary. Thinking about it I realised that sufferings and sorrows are often reflected back to joy, in the Lord. Joy of a deeper kind, leaning on the full weight of assurance in a heartrendingly glorious eternity with our Creator. Manusia kesengsaraan... Let my heart be broken but not despair. I have come to see happiness with a tinge of sorrow, like the people sleeping in the streets even as I was really happy to be exploring places with my dear friends (I counted four in the short 2 hours we were out yesterday). And on ...

Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me.  Like, what you looking at, huh?   "I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park) " But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan) So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.) Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself.  But anyw...

Before them social workers descend  The convergence of social workers and social service professionals was such a joy to experience today- a large part was reconnecting with a whole bunch of people I got to know through these past 3+ years. Guan Zhen (she just sprang up to hug me awww T.T the laughter of joy from her), Joanne (she was from my VRU internship wayyy long ago before I started in NUS), Fiona (two of them!), and a lot of SW seniors. The thought crossed my mind especially when I saw some people walking out to take calls (emergency client case?), doing work on their laptops during the dialogue (tsk tsk we never outgrow this multitasking right): How are each one of them doing with their baggage of life stories? Read Psalm 90 on Monday and the first half (v1-10) reminded me that sorrows are a given for life on earth. That question was actually thrown out because I was having a lot of fun including almost getting my fingers put into a very cute baby's mouth :> I...

It's the 4am epiphany again. I am very glad that this time it was for Glory Presbyterian Church. Pretty sure my proposal will be taken favorably, excited to see what happens. Thank you, Father, You have let me do what I wanted to do. On more trivial things, I discovered another time capsule while searching for those One Piece name stickers I got made eons ago (don't know why I suddenly got reminded of their existence). Introspection is my nature, I am sure of that now.  The closest reason is (2) it was really a pleasant surprise. Jolted my memories of a more awkward Kang back in Secondary 2, still needy for friends' affirmations, trying to fit into the cool kids gang. Those were the days of Neoprints, junk food at JEC, altercations with people (including once with Newtown Secondary kids lol).   I really thank God for preserving me. Not only that, He has added so much to me such that my 'priorities' have been fulfilled, even though He was way ...

This symbol has been featuring in my thoughts for the past 1 month plus ever since I read that article . ( ) used to be B, the second best friend I had and possibly the oldest friend I am still pretty much in regular contact with. That sass, that humour, the way boys like her. In no small way, as I was reflecting after Disgraced , in no small way has how I present myself been shaped by her. Even till now. ( ) is still sometimes "one of those chicks that look like they have it all". What came back to me again and again was this paragraph: "It's kind of beyond me how someone can have their life so sorted. Maybe I should start comparing them allegorically to filing cabinets. Each file section is a subdivision of life. Academics. Family ties. Extra-curricular activities. Social stature. Looks. Boyfriends/ girlfriends. Socioeconomic state. Mental health. Physical form. With a person like ( ) , not only is every section perfectly organised, but also each...

“Each day, we wake slightly altered, and the person we were yesterday is dead. So why, one could say, be afraid of death, when death comes all the time?” - John Updike Particularly struck by this. So true for me, for as I wake, it is with vestiges of yesterday that influences my feelings about today and yet the self has been changed by what was. Before today is done, want to do a short post to remember today. Nothing spectacular, just another ordinary day. Well, I had my final paper for year 3, and that marks the end of this semester which somehow feels special because it is the semester after exchange where I have been altered so much. And my year 4 friends have graduated and that will be me in one year's time. Ambivalent feels. Anyway. I was just praying this morning and getting distracted while studying thinking that after the paper I will let God lead me to wherever/whomever. But obviously because it is the norm to go out and celebrate the end of the semester with friends...

Have been thinking in hymns a lot recently. This is my Father's world. I rest me in the thought! He helps me to wait patiently for Him to give me what I need, to give us what we need when we are ready. Because I know that His ways are higher than mine, and His love I never can fathom, I know I can trust Abba in His own time and will. So continue to give me that open handedness Lord. Of rocks and trees Of skies and seas, His hand the wonders wrought. A thought that I sometimes feel that I cannot bear: God has given me all these talents and capabilities, that I am doing so much by myself. Will there be someone that can form an effective team to lead us to greater things? I smile now as I remember how He spoke to me just last week: "I am for you and not against you". Whenever I had an awesome time/day/week, at the back of my mind I am prepping myself for a tough time ahead. Like God is somehow this 'benevolent suffering-generator. So yes, just like He tested ...

As much as I love snail mail, I must admit that not all give me that leap of joy. A particular one from the Massachusetts Correctional Institution gives me a kind of unwanted burden. Having corresponded with Jermaine for over a year, I now feel a sense of unease particularly thinking about when he will be released soon. Of all the ministries God has given me, it has been one that gave least joy and is the most burdensome. But why? As I was tossing around for an explanation, it dawned on me that deeper than the irrational fear that Jermaine has romantic feelings for me, there is a deep-seated stereotype of an unstable prisoner. At the same time, his way with words makes the conservative Asian in me cringe. Still, I thank God for him. What is love without some cost? I must be willing to journey with him, to accept him when little people do. As the Father has accepted and showered me with blessings when I am in a wretched state, let me not turn away from my brother. Oh yes, let ...