chronicles of young

 "His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man. but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love."  Psalm 147: 10-11 Was sitting and mulling, mostly trying to be conscious of God's presence. And I landed on Psalm 147 which begins with praise. A reminder to choose praise.  And this was the part that prodded me gently, with me feeling like God is so so holy and yet He prods me gently in my helpless state. I have been oppressed by the thoughts in my mind and the expectations absorbed from the world and nurtured (yes, nurtured) within myself.  It shows up in the quiet pride that I always shut down but as I take some time to mull on it, I know that it comes from my idea of winning in life. As if life is a race to be won. It shows up in my simmering anxiety that threatens to boil over at a frequency that I find too much. I would love to be truly free and alive in You, Lord.  And so, as...

The PhD feels so hard and lonely, especially today. I think the aloneness is already something always in the background, when obviously other friends have their own colleagues for support and workplace huddles. Ironically COVID made things a bit better; there is the new normal of WFH which allowed for some shared experience with friends. And now I at least have a warm person that I can talk to face to face during the work day.  I really don't know if it was my lonesome personality that got me just going into this PhD in the first place. Okay I guess I am feeling exclusively, majorly sorry for myself. I feel pretty bad and frustrated to be doing this but well this is where I am. Its almost gonna be 2 years since I started. Will I end up also just being used to working by myself and be a difficult person to work with next time. Or worse am I gonna end up in a place where I will continue working by myself... I'm not thinking about giving up but it just feels so hard. It makes me w...

This 1960s children's show is super lit. So so so much goodness, genuineness and the sense of neighborly love modeled in Fred Rogers and the other characters. Truth in a simple way too-  What if I were very very sad, And all I did was smile, After awhile, I wonder what might become of my Sadness What if I were very very angry And all I did was sit, And never think about it, What might become of my Anger? Where would they go,  And what would they do, If I couldn't let them out? Maybe I'd fall, Maybe get sick, Or doubt. But what if I, Could know the truth, And say just how I feel? I have been watching this show ever since coming across a FB post on how Fred Rogers intentionally modeled the equality of man by persuading brown-skinned Francois Clemmons to join his show- just when battles over integration of 'blacks' and 'whites' were raging. Teared when watching that episode where Fred Rogers welcomes...

More than one person has told me that I constantly surprise them. I think I surprise myself too. Crazy crazy thing I just did- Sent a long email to Prof Teo YY and telling her about my intention to apply for PhD. What on earth. But I'm glad :) I read the research proposal on community development I sent in 2 years ago, and although some of the language has become quite abstractly unfamiliar, the essence of it still excites me. So here goes... Let's see where this leads.

Today is day 3 of the SWSD conference and my mind is one swirl of new concepts, ideas and ideals. So I'm going to hold my horse on it (haha can it even be used like that never mind lah hor I am proud of my Singlish). I was in the Isle of Man alone yes, but contrary to what image friends might be having in their minds when they say I am on a solo trip- I have been far from going at it alone. I needed others so much. The kindness and warmth of another person- there was this gentleman who walked me to the railway station, or especially the smiles/short exchanges with passer-bys. They were as important as the sun and glimmering sea. So yeah. In a small way through my reflections I want to foster a culture of community, of vulnerability (which requires humility, which actually needs courage). So the thing I most want to get out there is how much insecurities I have, even though I am at this place where some people look up to me and think how confident I am. Throwback to GoFort...

"I hold all things loosely" has been a kind of new running joke ever since I used that phrase as a snarky comeback for being rightfully jibed for refusing to do an important work process. (Please do not learn this from me, it is not acceptable I admit. I am impulsively stubborn too, I admit.) There is definitely value in holding your job loosely though- probably why I score low on ambition in this work behaviour survey that I did for a professional development course. I feel like my 'ambition' is not the ambition as in wanting to progress in career goals (which I don't think I have if you are talking about the conventional sense of the term). Still, there are things to hold loosely and things to hold tightly. I had the thought to blog this morning when I got the goosebumps recalled what happened during VCF AGM this Monday. It struck me as very beautiful that the person was given the platform to make his speech via video, and that he shared his mental he...

It's a wonder I haven't written anything about wonder before this. Peebo reminded me again about how wonderful and wonder-full small things can be: Okay he's not exactly small but you get my point (right?). I scribbled down yesterday as I was struck again by that wonder after I had a long session with a youth: It's a wonder that I am allowed to touch lives and impact them like this. It's a wonder that these youths who have been through so much allow me to enter their personal world as they share.   What bravery and trust it must have taken. Who am I to ask all these probing questions? Such is the wonder at, and the wonder of social work that I think should be kept alive. It'll be a scary day when I look at social work and take it for granted. To take these stories for granted, to take such privileged access for granted.  We also do well to wonder at the everyday beauty around us- lady helping senior with her grocery up the slope, the tender care ...

I'm really quite zapped after having a super intense conversation which happened after a long day of team bonding. But writing these down to process my emotions and thoughts (one advice on how to use my top strength which is Intellection) I am not a team person. I am self-centered and if I were not a Christian I would be one major asshole. Yet today as Psalm 46 was read for devotions, I choked when it came to me to read verse 3. Angry, indignant of how I perceived the Psalm was used like that to apply to the pending upheaval and to smoothen things in the team. And then broken also. Broken because P. rightly, very edifyingly pointed out that everyone in the team has mostly good intentions. Broken because of my own resistance as I closed off and retreated into my self-centered state.  Also because v4 is something I hold close to me (that's personal): "Ada sebatang sungai yang alirannya akan menggembirakan kota Allah, tempat suci khemah Yang Maha Tinggi." A rive...

This should be for when I feel like I am not going anywhere, not making any difference, or not doing enough where I am in social work. 蜻蜓/pepatung/dragonfly 荷叶孤浮水面上， 带着莲花之盼望。  水底海草蜻蜓迷，  放纵自己去探索。    The most part of this month was grappling with wanting to be free.   Free to do what, and from what? To do what I want, both in social justice and interfaith work and what-not to change the world, and more frivolous stuff like going where I want when I want (i.e. alone). To be free from being bound to imperfect systems- in my mind operationalised as getting told what to do regardless of whether I choose to or not. (But the root of it is, I realise, I hate getting told what to do especially when I feel like it constrains the create-tive use of my time) Are you truly free?  For what seemed like a long struggle, I didn't want to accept that in many senses, I am not free to do as I please. Resentment would be riled up when I perceived that my time...

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,  because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 This verse was shared on two occasions today and I was reminded of how I had trouble believing in the first part of the verse. Indeed, a leaky vessel was I, receiving love because God is love but not being made perfect in love. To be wholly in that loving obedience to the Father as Jesus Christ is. Was fighting back the urge to weep when we sang It is Our Father's World just now, after we prayed for Gambia, for USA, for the nations and people groups on our hearts. It is Your world, Abba, which You are reconciling to Yourself. In that place, I read Romans 8:15-39 aloud. And I prayed, for a different kind of prayer to sound from this place. In trust shall I pray, and where words may fail me 'the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will'. It has been a blessed day.

Usually as years draw to an end, wistfulness and bittersweet memories lead me into a reflective mood. This year has been quite different; as I review the year and FB reminds me that exactly one year ago I was on the plane back to Singapore reading cards from my dear friends, I have a quiet joy. Lord, you have been faithful and good.  Majodi Centre | Anntic 2016 Unshakeable Yesterday morning as I nursed a cup of coffee under the vast expanse of cottony clouds, I made a recommitment to God: To continue loving recklessly, enabled by the Spirit. As God is love and I am of God, let me participate in this divine hospitality that condescends to be where we are. 2017 would be a change-filled one, personally and in the ministries I'm in (hopefully). I'm expecting days of intense emotions, of perplexity and of clarity of purpose, of intimacy with God and of temptation towards atheism, of good days and of terrible ones. Through it all, it is well. Indeed, it is well with my s...

In the Altai Mountains, Bayan-Ulgii, Mongolia I don't know why, these past 2 weeks have been filled with so much emotional thinking, which translated to a compulsion to create content. The mountains. There is a felt heartache as I look at pictures of them. I long to be in the mountains again. Why though, I was asking myself. I am a city girl who failed her physical fitness test because she lacked the stamina to complete the 2.4km run. But the mountains, they stir in me a sense of quiet, almost-sad joy and a feeling of connectedness. In the mountains, I find that I rather be alone or not talk. There is a sense of theophany perhaps. Shepherding the yaks In my second time in Mongolia, I hiked through the forest of trees and settled on a plateau. There are no photos of the mountains I saw because I had intentionally left my handphone behind. I sat there, alone, for maybe a hour. Just singing hymns, gazing out at the mountains and letting my heart be filled. So so tha...