Showing posts from November, 2015


I remember how much I liked this phrase when we first learnt it in Chinese class. Then in university I learnt the more technical term of cognitive dissonance . And 矛盾 grew larger to occupy permanent brain space. It has always been there as a part of me; I might just have been real comfortable in my own world with its safe goodness in community work and Christian friends. It struck me today: Have I become someone so different? I'm not sure. This uncertainty is telling too. I wish I could be stronger yet I wish it wouldn't have to be so hard. 对与错黑与白,似乎还存在。不过好像是在无情感的空间。安慰自己,深有感触的心活出更微妙的色彩。 还是矛盾。觉得累但是不可以这么容易累但是我真的好想就让河流带着我走。


Funny how one of the most defining ways I conceptualise myself was concretised by a question posed while I was waiting groggily for a flight in Beijing airport. "Kang is like a cat. The sociable kind who seeks company but happy wandering alone too. Grounded by soul-refreshing relationships with God and friends, she is not afraid to do things (most of the time).  Don't fully know what is inside (not fish) but Kang knows that she is Kang as cats know that they can just be cats and not dogs though people compare the two." Now Cat is restless, seeking company. From a specific person. And it kinda sucks because at a deeper level that takes x 10000 more effort to summon, she knows that it is not him she seeks but something else. That temptation is almost too hard to bear. Almost. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also pro