Stepping into 30's, into Marriage

 Saturday. Day 2 of the second quarter in 2024.  On Leap Day I had a thought- Is my life inspiring to the young ones looking at me as an example of adulting, i.e. living out life on this side of heaven? Do I inspire through my hope and zest for life- to pass the baton of light I'd received from the generation of believers before me? I wonder.  Every so often I am struck with a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction at how my life is panning out. In the sense of wondering if I have been doing what I am supposed to do. (There is no resolution in this post by the way, unless I arrive at one while typing) After kind of waffling my time away on IG story- there's something that tells me to STOP yet something in me kept scrolling, not wanting to face whatever feelings I am in right now- I finally turned on my laptop to work on a new journal article.  Perhaps I am burnt out? From facing my research after a good dang 4 years.. with the end being so terribly drawn out. At this point


  This hymn brought tears to my eyes as we sang it in church this morning... The plaintive tune and lyrics brought to mind the many Christians waiting, seeking, praying (or faint from praying), for peace and justice for themselves and their homeland. Sigh.. Come Lord Jesus.  There are no words, just sighs and groans at the horrors I read/know a fraction of in the news and on social media.  As I read about ("yet another") natural disaster- "worst flood in a century in Somalia", the death toll, the reason (El Nino)- my heart naturally 'seizes up' a bit to shore myself from getting too affected. Yet Lord, yet Kang, aren't each 1 behind the number that added to the death toll and the people displaced from their homes, an eternal soul? It is all too easy to get hypocritical and think to myself: "I care quite a bit already". Thank You Spirit for putting in my heart this thought: We in Singapore may feel protected from all these, but its not if but wh

Inner Child Memories

Inspired by watching Tam Wai Jia's reels- honestly really inspired and also a little envious. Kind of like 'having it all', but I know I am just focusing on the processed pieces that she shared and not the sufferings/trials she had been through to arrive at these pieces. The truth is, God has also given me pearls that are used to bless others and glorify Him through my life experiences. I felt a quiet welling of tears when I took in the reels about how she processed with her children. And her reminding that if we didn't have this safe emotional space as a kid, we can heal and change the pattern 💛 Providentially, I had also been thinking about my inner child since an IG post about it .   So even though its work hours, I want to give myself the time and space to write things down to process. Knowing that I have mostly followed the pattern of pushing past my emotions to achieve goals, after which I may lose passion or sight of what I really want. (Thinking back on my

PhD rant

Uninhibited bitching about my internal examiners especially the chair lol. Idk if this is gonna make me feel better and I also want to qualify that I do see validity in their points (some of them). Yesterday I made a memo about seeing their comments as invaluable in improving my work and that I can use them to grow professionally in how to take feedback constructively... But today I am feeling indignant again as I try to work on their comments.  Ask me how I feel after the viva, I feel disappointment, weariness, even shame. These feelings were all masked by my tiredness from not having enough physical rest, and also the positive aspect that was well-meaningly emphasised.  But gosh. Thinking back about how the two internal examiners reacted to my responses to their incessant drilling made me feel so shameful and unworthy, and now I feel very angry toward them. Especially when I try to work on their comments, and I feel like HELLO I have already put some of these points down, did you not

The Last Summer.. Again

 I called the phase of my life after undergrad was officially over and before I officially started work, The Last Summer. It was, and still is, one of the best times of my life. Facebook has been reminding me through photos from 6 years ago.  6 years on... its this in-between period again. Similarities, but HUGE differences. It isn't the same when you are adulting. Yet at the core of it, I guess things stay the same, even though there are things the world tells me like I need to think about my career development etc.  1. My values stay the same- Fixing my eyes on Christ, imperfectly, but always finding it back to His guiding light 2. My dreams are still important and valid- haha actually this is what prompted me to post here after so long- I really love this song lyrics and the story behind it. The self-doubt, the denial, the tussle within yourself, and the breakthrough to find actualisation.  3. Learning, learning about navigating and cultivating relationships, both personal and w

Indomitable Joy

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II

hello darkness, you are not my friend

 hello darkness, you are not my friend there is some comfort in knowing, i am not exceptional. i don't want to be exceptional right now, i longingly look at another's life,  and wish it were mine.  maybe i will be happy just doing a waitressing job? or any other job that isn't so demanding. but the depths of darkness whisper: you are just not strong to tahan. there is some comfort in knowing, my temptations are common to man, many are the days we long wishfully, to be at one with our beds. hello darkness, you are not my friend. hello darkness, you tell me that i am but man