chronicles of young

Actually I'm just like what the shit... allow me to rant for awhile and let out the negativity.  Was gonna post an IG story on Close Friends but realised I didn't really want to talk about stuff should anyone reply so putting it here for an almost-imaginary or future audience (hopefully me in the future feeling much better). I really have not 释怀 and believe me, I've tried. Daily, many times a day, especially after talking with boss.  Last month I was on the track of I will just buckle down and finish my KRAs, and for awhile it worked but how long can I suppress my emotions especially when gaslighting continues right. I can deal with what I see as illogical tasks but added on with gaslighting?! SCREW YOUUUU SCREW YOUUU I tried to use the questions of what is good, true and beautiful to focus myself on the positive... seriously some days I feel so weary trying to make the best and see the best in this place. It feels so unproductive needing to manage my emotions and negative ...

 Saturday. Day 2 of the second quarter in 2024.  On Leap Day I had a thought- Is my life inspiring to the young ones looking at me as an example of adulting, i.e. living out life on this side of heaven? Do I inspire through my hope and zest for life- to pass the baton of light I'd received from the generation of believers before me? I wonder.  Every so often I am struck with a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction at how my life is panning out. In the sense of wondering if I have been doing what I am supposed to do. (There is no resolution in this post by the way, unless I arrive at one while typing) After kind of waffling my time away on IG story- there's something that tells me to STOP yet something in me kept scrolling, not wanting to face whatever feelings I am in right now- I finally turned on my laptop to work on a new journal article.  Perhaps I am burnt out? From facing my research after a good dang 4 years.. with the end being so terribly drawn out. At...

Inspired by watching Tam Wai Jia's reels- honestly really inspired and also a little envious. Kind of like 'having it all', but I know I am just focusing on the processed pieces that she shared and not the sufferings/trials she had been through to arrive at these pieces. The truth is, God has also given me pearls that are used to bless others and glorify Him through my life experiences. I felt a quiet welling of tears when I took in the reels about how she processed with her children. And her reminding that if we didn't have this safe emotional space as a kid, we can heal and change the pattern 💛 Providentially, I had also been thinking about my inner child since an IG post about it .   So even though its work hours, I want to give myself the time and space to write things down to process. Knowing that I have mostly followed the pattern of pushing past my emotions to achieve goals, after which I may lose passion or sight of what I really want. (Thinking back on my...

 I called the phase of my life after undergrad was officially over and before I officially started work, The Last Summer. It was, and still is, one of the best times of my life. Facebook has been reminding me through photos from 6 years ago.  6 years on... its this in-between period again. Similarities, but HUGE differences. It isn't the same when you are adulting. Yet at the core of it, I guess things stay the same, even though there are things the world tells me like I need to think about my career development etc.  1. My values stay the same- Fixing my eyes on Christ, imperfectly, but always finding it back to His guiding light 2. My dreams are still important and valid- haha actually this is what prompted me to post here after so long- I really love this song lyrics and the story behind it. The self-doubt, the denial, the tussle within yourself, and the breakthrough to find actualisation.  3. Learning, learning about navigating and cultivating relationships, both...

 I realised I felt sad through the praise offering songs- the poignant lyrics made me cry. Yearning for the day without strife and striving amidst this world of evil and sin- crying on the stories shared yesterday, crying on how we fought over what is supposedly (and is, I guess) a good thing of serving others. Perhaps more crying on the dis-shalom that is our task, and yet the helplessness we have in our own puny strength and weak natures.  "God, I need strength to sing a new song"- halfway through singing my voice trailed off- I felt so weak to sing a fresh praise and trust into the situation, believing that God is truly working all things for good and that hope will be realized. After this phase of realising I felt sad, moved on to anger (haha musing whether this is stage-wise thing like grief). I feel angry! Angry thoughts about the situation and maybe at myself for "not being able to say certain things to rebutt" in that instance. Seems like the inner adult is ...

 Realised I haven't posted here for awhile. I'm still writing though. And even video-journalling, though that was quite weird and my phone didn't have enough space haha. Where I am now: Sitting at V's desk, looking out at the rain, listening to BeigeMellow playlist. Feet very cold even with knitted socks. Warm oolong tea never felt soul good. Looking at the poloroid of bobear and me, taken 5 Dec 2020 in Chinatown, after we patched up after a(nother) conflict. Thinks to self: We have grown. I have grown. I put that above image as my laptop wallpaper to really ground myself with the fact that God is here. I look at the paintings and am reminded of different things: 1. HK's tumultous events since 2019, still unfolding now as I experience it also 2. God's sovereign hand still in this, though these things are too great for my heart to comprehend or hold. I shall be humble and pray. 3. Abba Father's blessings through the years- the right painting a glorious remini...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...

Hey!  I was thinking about adulting (lol yes I am not quite over the fact that I am an adult, and have to say that I am in my late-20s gah) over breakfast yesterday. And since it was your birthday, my thoughts as a birthday gift of sorts haha! Was just mulling how I got a bit anxious about wasted time cos I woke up at 12pm, and then it hit me that it was stemming from the belief that I need to make things work. Like somehow, as an adult, the stakes are higher- don't waste time cos if I do, I will lose out or the world will be a lesser place etc. Perhaps adulthood got a bit burdensome because it felt like the stakes/risks are progressively higher; and it is not okay to fail. Like, don't 'waste time' with this guy if you are not gonna marry him, or I've gotta make my PhD work else I'll be wasting my time. Or I've gotta care about this social issue because its my role as an adult who has the resources to help. Haha not sure if I'm making sense but anyway ...