Posts

Showing posts from 2019

Stand with HK

Image
Stand with HK is something that has been stuck with me in the past few months here. Not in the same meaning that has been used by the protesters, but rather my own making sense of what is happening here to a beloved city I would even call my second home. Today as I was heading back (early before the bloody clash by yet another providence, otherwise I feel like it would be too much to bear in this time), there were armed policemen at Kowloon Tong MTR. Seeing them was enough to make me feel very tense and troubled- something was going to happen. Perhaps I am weak (that is what maybe Satan dupes me to believe), so I may try to reason within myself that it is okay, I haven't seen the most violent and inhuman of things. Going back to Stand with HK , in my stronger moments and at the end of those desperate-despairing 'Maybe I should go home' , I feel like bearing witness to this, caring about the people and the city, is what I can do. Actually I can do nothing. The comple

1 month in, 4 months in

Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :> As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset. What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process. I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God. Well, 1 month into thi

Second 'Last Summer' // At The Turn of Seasons

Gamut of feelings. It is quite mysteriously interesting that almost every time I change to a new journal book, it marks another season. Or could it be my mind instinctively marking the seasons as the pages come to an end? Either way, with reflections from the weekend of GRIT camp and other stuffs, I filled up the last page of the book I bought at a hipster bookstore in Xia Men during my 'Last Summer' in 2017. This 'Last Summer' was a series of post-graduation travels before I started what I thought will be a long long season of being a ground social worker. The 2017 social worker that I was had no great dreams, just to survive in the emotionally draining work and do good to the people I served. Fear was what held back all those idealistic thoughts (wouldn't really call them dreams I guess) of social enterprise, community work, research. Shortly afterwards, it was the seemingly inane and objectively busy work that kept these safely in the realm of good thoughts.

新的事,将要成就 | A New Season

神的儿女要唱一首新歌,我们神要做新事 旧的事都已经过去,在基督里一切都要更新 新的眼界 新的異象,新的故事 新的方向 (Give Us Vision, SOP 2015) 1. Beginning from the latest 'new' thing (or rather one) | I do remember a time in 2018 where I was almost in the depths of despair as I realised that I have not been known fully and I doubted if there was anyone who would know me fully and truly accept me. Recalling my reflections on being human after Anntic 2016, this struggle to be known/making myself known has been a rooted one.  I guess one of the most beautiful, gospel-proclaiming joy of being a together-er, +1, half in a relationship that is more than ourselves is this- to be fully known and to be fully accepted. Of course, my reflexive self is aware that I might well be suffering from the age-old 'love is blind' illness. But that is not really true because there has been uncomfortable reflections and disclosures that show me (us) that these old ways need to be given up. And still, the acceptance (intentional

I Dream In Another Language // Sueño en otro idioma

Watched this Mexican film yesterday and the different layers enfolded made for much musing (which is why usually after films like these I will be quiet for awhile to let thoughts form and settle; after which I can scoop them up again or let something stir them up). Today at the hospital with 奶奶 (except that I call her nai3 nai3, and not nai3 nai as in proper Mandarin), I caught her at a rare alert moment where she was in the present. It was bittersweet to be able to tell 奶奶 that it was dark because it rained, and be understood; yet also parroting the phrases spoken in Hainanese back at her because I really couldn't figure what she was saying.  Was reminded of Zikril in the film again- how the language represented a kind of power and alternate worldview, reflecting a beauty of human connection that the dominant lingua franca does not. I wonder how the Hainanese worldview is like- from my rudimentary vocabulary of phrases and watching nostalgic videos of Hainan, it appears to

Not Settling

Gonna probably read like some haphazardly written post haha what with seemingly disparate things making sense in my brain and me not bothering to process (read: clarify) too much because this is my space. But okay, CG sis prayed that we will ask God for direction first instead of deciding then pray that it will turn out well. And we just had a study on loving the church- and one main thing from that was to use our gifts to build up the church. Here goes- a frivolous song first (though I really like it! Singer, lyrics, poetic metaphors) Love U U 我像孤獨的漁夫 說不出 愛的溫度 很想給你幸福 你卻自我保護 轉彎處 只剩下潮汐之外的荒蕪 This is the first stanza from JJ Lin's Love UU. Obviously this is a sad love song, but its poetry render it even better than just sad- it connotes nostalgic, angst, confused feelings in that one stanza.  Take the last line- I think it means "At the end of all this, what is left is a pile of mess and hurt". But the song uses the metaphor of stormy tides, and it communicate

My Soul Satisfied

Image
What a blessing to be able to hold all things loosely, even my very life. Though of course as stoic/ faith-full as I seem, doubts and lingering fears will probably stay with me throughout my life. Am I fully convinced of my eternal glorious life in heaven? Honestly, no. Yet I have enough faith and experience with God to know that Abba Father will bring me home, by grace. Thinking about death more recently as I prepare heart and mind to head to Nagaland. There is a risk to every adventure undertaken with God, yet how fun and joyful each one is with the Spirit's leading :) Putting this hymn here as a reminder- the trip will be definitely challenging and stretch my patience, love and everything nice (LOL). Yet God remains our common vision and on this foundation we stand together. Heart of my heart, whatever befall, still be my vision O Ruler of all. \\ What if I really die? Be still, child. I the LORD will bring you home and take care of the things back here.

Walking

Image
Tung Ping Chau, 2015 A random reflection that walking from place to place is like an intentional resistance to our modern culture of efficiency and desire for constant engagement. I realise that in recent years I tend to pack my day to fit in the various things. Which in itself is not evil, and yet too many of these kind of days actually hollows my (our) soul(s). We are not created to function on autopilot, but to feel and glorify God in all that we do. Today was the first Saturday in awhile that I had the whole day largely unplanned- just cousin's housewarming and then my parents and I had a deliciously free day full of things we could explore. We walked so much, and I really enjoyed that I didn't need to check the time to go off elsewhere. Just being present and enjoying the present. A ray of shalom I guess. And yet to remain in the tension- not yet. Was quite grieved when Mum flat outright refused to even look at the evangelistic booklet left at our door.

Yonder

I truly thank God for this in-between season as I look ahead toward the new chapter of my life even as I prepare my heart to leave. Abba, You really do have a sense of humour. I had this mindset to wrap things up and press the reset button like I did 4 years ago, but You showed me otherwise. I asked for an end in my subconscious when faced with such brokenness and evil at work- seemingly more in recent months as I prepare to leave. My heart sighs and breaks at relationships not reconciled, children in lack, and youths seeking intimacy and significance in broken ways. Grief is uncomfortable. And You remind me that I have a calling as a prophet- to see, to grief, and then point to hope ( Brueggemann, 2014 ). I was readying myself for farewells and the inevitable (?) drifting of friendships- yet I'd grown deeper in friendships with young ones and those already in my life. Used to think that I'm not really a people person; but I guess 2019 is showing me otherwise. I was (am)

野子 // Wild Child

(Title: God redeemed this wild child to be a 野子 for Him) Uber thankful for this Sabbath where I intentionally went offline though it is tough. So much that God deposited in me through talking to Him, 赞美之泉, reading, and now writing. Today was a beautiful day in church- warm shalom greetings after service (I chose to sit at the pews though my default is at the side), having kids so engaged as I read this lovely book of prayers, Bible study on Jesus' position on the Sabbath with the girls (I think friendship with Ju is at another level through doing this together), and fellowship with CG peeps. Pure gold moments :') Where I genuinely feel God's presence in the moment as I share and receive from others. Anyway, this passage from Platinga's Engaging God's World  that pushed me to write: "Compassion represents the death of our old self, with its emotional stinginess, and the birth of our new self, with its emotional generosity . The compassionate person uni

惜福

Image
台中 在未来某个灰暗的一天,希望回想这几天好牧人的带领照顾 不盼望挫折但也知道 “你的国降临” 这个祷告大部分是由信徒的心酸而应许的 :')

The City of God

Image
( Writing this the morning after caffeine-induced high at night; I don't doubt that God also used last night to speak into my life ) Those verses came to mind as I was praying for Mongolia, which led me to pray for the different ethnos as well. And I was suddenly filled with that deep longing and a deep sense of vision, as I envisioned awesome sights of each unique ethnos bringing gifts that reflect their culture and God's glory into the city of God. I think this is the source of my attraction to tribes and cultures different from my own. That first encounter with Mongolia awakened that sometimes troubling attraction. Is it just wanderlust and the desire to be 'free', or romanticised attraction?  This morning, it hit me that I was going into another city, with its different people groups. How can I work for the shalom of this city? Where the fruits of nature are fruitfully employed, and there is universal (mutual) flourishing, wholeness. 1 I don't know

The Next Step

Image
It's the third day knowing that I have been accepted into the PhD programme (i.e. I'm getting a bit nervous about having to make a clear decision soon). I thank God for watercolour; I usually lapse into thinking about God as an impersonal Being, but painting creation- the sky, mountains, seas, vast expanses- helps me to remember again that God knows the whole of me and I know Him too. 18 Jan 站在大海边,才发现自己有多渺小, 而又发现,我是伟大神 拣选的。 19 Jan 往前看那前头的路程 你世世代代做我们的居所 你使人归于尘土 叫我们数算自己的日子 得着智慧的心 It is really amazing looking at this because I'd initially wanted to paint a horse, but screwed up so I had to paint something over it. A tent because I'd just read about Jesus at the Feast of Tabernacles, and also Mongolians use gers. Later on, next to 奶奶 and thinking about going away, Psalm 90 came to mind. And so this watercolour took on a whole different meaning for me. Where do I go from here? Pondering on how things will be for my family, a thought which I'

2019

Image
"Inilah perkerjaan yang dikehendaki Allah iaitu supaya kamu percaya kepada Dia yang diutus-Nya." Yahya 6:29 Started off 2019 sick (from the 2 back-to-back camps in the last week of 2018), and unsure of where I'm heading in life for the new year. Of course, one can say that years, weeks and months are human constructs. I believe God has given us the gift of different seasons so that we can be refreshed and renewed- in vision and direction. This can be seen in nature anyway. The picture above is going to be an anchor for 2019- to follow Jesus in saying "I do nothing of my own will, but do the will of the Father." (John 6:38) I sense this year is going to have quite a bit of sacrifices- was that why God spoke much more clearly?- and yet, there is excitement and anticipation in this apprehension.