chronicles of young

More reflections in the face of looming deadline (15 Aug, and actually I can plead 1 week extension or not submit the 'best', will get to that later on) + fast BPM and tense shoulders, locked left jaw signaling anxiety. I feel sorry to my body- "Thank you for sticking in it through in there"- I hope my body receives this. Feels a bit like bad time management to be writing this in the face of work- but I know it works, and I lean into the part of me that sees that my 'success' thus far has been to do what might seem counter-intuitive. On top of the emotional turbulence from the conflict and consequent perception of relationship fall-out that I am trying to calm (not too badly), yesterday I had to meet with a young child in emotional distress. Asking God why lol, does He really think I have the capacity to deal with all these? I will have the eventual victory; He is sovereign through it all- waiting on this. He was crying so hard, the fight for connection I felt...

There was once a family with two children. They were born just two years apart and their parents were so happy to have a complete family with both a boy and a girl.The parents loved the children very much and did not hesitate to give them what they needed. So although the siblings fought, and the little girl even once scratched him so hard it bled, they knew that they were a happy family.  One day however, the older brother discovered that he had no heart. He found out when he could not cry after he was bullied. He knew that it should hurt, but he was like an empty can. When the parents saw the red marks on his arms, they felt so upset that they wanted to shred the bully to pieces. But Mother kept quiet, because she knew that he had no heart. And he did not have a heart because when the children were very young, Mother had took his heart out. This was so that he will not feel any pain because Father was very very sick at that time, and he loved his father very much. The girl too lo...

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know." Ezekiel 37:3   Read-typing these verses with Broken Vessels playing in the background. How apt.  It is strange how I didn't feel that momentous passing of time until now, December and 31st, the last day of 2017. (Thank God for the marking of time)  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! In the days leading up to Christmas, I was literally dreading having to get out of the house and face people. Looking back at my planner, it is a blank and I can't remember much of those days either. Just that weariness and slight despair. Ah, I know why. Emotional week it was, with 3 deaths of people I know/relatives of people I know. And with stuff happening at work. And so many things to settle for camp and things I have to go for. Including camp, which was these daunting 5 days in which I have to be strong, to be loving, to be more t...

And soon did I set out to procure the book, and now I have finished it. It does feel like a few grand themes in my life are coming together- all of a sudden at times, and then so slow it makes me jumpy the other. I know it is a dangerous thing to say, especially regarding that which I hold cherished. And so with veiled words and a weak attempt at eloquence: Pi, you have guessed it, A mystery known and yet not. But hush, don't be excited, The main character is not him. Simple Psyche with that meek beauty, Or Orual (her name I turn over in my lips more than Psyche) the embittered, Fox with his wise Greek sayings, And the gods who did not answer till Orual got her answer in her complaint. But no these are far from the main character, Whom we (I) fail describing and have failed. The story is now mine (and yours?), With He who made Orual a Psyche. Thus my resolve, After which a realisation. Till I have been cruel of heart (in the words of Orual still with veiled fac...

I was still toying with the idea of taking my brother's bike out for an adventure while on the way back from hiking with the parents. The next morning when I woke up it occurred to me that I had already cycled around Hainan (on the main roads with the cars/motorbikes!). That sealed it, I'm going! This time, parents were duly informed (though not of the plan to cycle till Pandan Reservoir; didn't know I could make it that far too). I'm a naughty kid I know. What I really wanted to say was, how enjoyable it was to cycle with the rain beating down on my skin. I was thoroughly drenched after 1/3 of my first leg up to Chinese Garden. I felt really carefree. Though there was the saddle pain. Felt it keenly when cycling through the pouring rain along the straight canal path with my thighs feeling like they were gonna fail me. Less so, but felt it when admiring the post-rain glistening Jurong lake and pine trees (?). Saddle pain in Macs when basking in the post accom...

Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me.  Like, what you looking at, huh?   "I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park) " But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan) So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.) Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself.  But anyw...

清明时节雨纷纷，路上行人欲断魂。借问酒家何处有？牧童遥指杏花村。  好幽美的几句诗。 <subsequent images taken from the World Press Photo 2016 exhibition, gird yourself > A Slovenian police officer escorts refugees after they crossed from Croatia A strange kind of terrible beauty in this photo also. Ponomarev really composed it so beautifully; the horse bows its head, like how I'd imagine the hearts of the people. Yet the ethereal sunlight shines down on both the horseman and the people. Libyan refugees on an overcrowded dinghy wait as a MSF rescue ship approaches People cross into Turkey through a broken fence, near the official border crossing at Akçakale, Syria I stared at these nameless faces for a long time. And then I saw this. People run from water cannon fired by Turkish soldiers, to keep them away from border fences near Akçakale  And this.  A father cradles his lifeless daughter after a Syrian air raid And this. Adam. 7. Badly burned when bomb dropped by ...

She must be really hot, I thought. That dismissed her in my mind as I quickly shifted my eyes and body to face the counter. Now, what drink should I get? My tactic worked for she did not approach me and I was left in peace to choose an awesome drink that was reasonably priced yet imbibed a sense of luxury. A pricked conscience. I pretended to check the laptop left for grabs at the backache-inducing coffee table. There she was, just standing there, extending her hand towards that Malay chap sitting diagonally from me. He shook his head and hurriedly refocused on his book? notes? Oh, she didn't close her bag! Her wares were up for grabs like my laptop. I should tell her. She turned. She saw me looking, so I pointed at her bag. Now our bodies were parallel, and my mind stopped as thoughts and conditioned response skidded and collided inside. I could not turn away anymore. Her misshapen red shirt was wet in front. Saliva trailing from her half-opened mouth joined with the lar...

My whole being cries out: Pain, Lord! Pain, stop! And  I weep afresh, uncontrollably, engulfed by a larger pain. I feel the pain in my brother's rage I am the persecuted in Iraq A mother who has lost her child And so I sob Welcoming the tears of release Yet feeling utterly desolate: There is no one to hear But God. And He is not enough right now. And what of those that know Him not? I cry again at this thought. O God, O Lord! Still, hope flickers. His voice whispers: One lone sheep to save The endless joyous story Amen