chronicles of young

 Logging in a tangible realisation of prayer tonight after I got back from the Geylang Ministry dinner.  God, You have been so faithful and kind to me.. I want to remember what a privilege it is to serve You together with my brothers and sisters that You have called into one family.  I had a prayer when I was in HK and I see now that it was a subconscious thing I was looking for- to work in an area where the marginalised are reached within a community. I kind of had that in HK but here in GM, I felt so cared for even as I served. Really inspired by Debbie and Kelvin's heart, and the various others whom I felt safe with even though I just met them for the first time. Somehow there is that camaraderie with these people who chose to commit their time and energy to reaching Geylang.  There will be struggle and even disillusionment, but Lord, I pray that I will remember this. Even to carry this spirit of love and service similarly if I am in that sphere of influence....

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II...

 It is so strange isn't it, I am the victim and the person who put that used condom in my bag is the one at fault, but it stirs up so many anxious thoughts about myself and second-guessing what actually happened because it is such a mystery as to how it got into my bag.  My first physical encounter with sexual trauma... but in this broken world as a female the response has a history of other traumas including vicarious ones shared with other females. I think again, in secular language we need male allies. But in God's design, we need males to be good stewards of their relationships with other females- mothers, lady friends, partners.  Particularly in the red light district. This is actually a euphemism for sexual exploitation. Of course me being pointed to by men to be engaged as a sex worker isn't 'wrong' per se. I was standing there with them. I think to myself, is this what it means to renounce myself and identify with them as Jesus did for us? It is still a (sma...

I truly thank God for this in-between season as I look ahead toward the new chapter of my life even as I prepare my heart to leave. Abba, You really do have a sense of humour. I had this mindset to wrap things up and press the reset button like I did 4 years ago, but You showed me otherwise. I asked for an end in my subconscious when faced with such brokenness and evil at work- seemingly more in recent months as I prepare to leave. My heart sighs and breaks at relationships not reconciled, children in lack, and youths seeking intimacy and significance in broken ways. Grief is uncomfortable. And You remind me that I have a calling as a prophet- to see, to grief, and then point to hope ( Brueggemann, 2014 ). I was readying myself for farewells and the inevitable (?) drifting of friendships- yet I'd grown deeper in friendships with young ones and those already in my life. Used to think that I'm not really a people person; but I guess 2019 is showing me otherwise. I was (am) ...

"O GOD, I bless thee for the happy moment when I first saw    thy law fulfilled in Christ,    wrath appeased,    death destroyed,    sin forgiven,    my soul saved. Ever since, thou hast been faithful to me;    daily have i proved the power of Jesus' blood,    daily have I known the strength of the Spirit,         my teacher, director, sanctifier. I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,    desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,    need no other look than that which gazes on the cross. Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,                    if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,                          experience, deeds and not seen them as filthy rags,           ...

从小，要去拜年会让我很不自在。小时候是有点自卑的看别人穿很华丽的新衣，怎么我们一家都没什么打扮。而我又很矛盾的和爸妈比时尚更喜欢舒服。大了些，觉得拜年有点带伤的无聊。就是那种好像被逼在这天要聚在一起的感觉。 然而这三年的初一我爸那边都没能像往年一样在大伯家聚。其实没什么遗憾，只是有些小小的感慨。蛮感恩的。也默默地为家人献上祷告。

(This is in reference to the lovely story mentioned in the previous post, really thank God for this 'leaf')   Just wanted to remember a day like this. Started off the day feeling a little cranky due to lack of sleep and physical exertion from the yesterday's Urban Hike. By the time I made it out of TJ office after an intense meeting around 1pm, my body was protesting. So when I was back at my office I just kept putting off planning for the counseling session at 4.30pm. At slightly after 4pm, I was slumped on my chair holding the case file in my hands and asking myself what should I do with this boy (lol haha I am not a good representation of a counselor). Asked God also, my supervisor too. Literally went up to him and said "I don't know what to do for my session later" Wise wise supervisor, he replied "Ask him what he wants to do. "But, he will just say he wants to go home." "Then ask him what he wants to do at home." Anyway,...

优美伤感但带着希望的歌 What stood out in The Miracles of the Namiya General Store was how each character was connected by their acts of good will, and the affirming that each person's life is of such value. Indeed, we do not know how our words can impact and change the course of someone's life. A very timely reminder for me to watch my words. Thank God for the beauty in songs and movies, in the emotions conveyed through human voices, in the glorious light streaming through trees.

Hoan Kiem Lake Hari ini Jumaat Baik. What a strange sounding translation of Good Friday. It is also strange that I am in Hanoi instead of Good Friday service. Listening to the intermittent honks from the traffic below our hotel and watching the sunlight slowly suffuse the 'therapeutic' room as Jas described. Dua kawan-kawan aku masih nyenyak tidur, seperti semua baik di bumi. Good Friday meningkatkan aku tentang Yesus Kristos terseksa di Calvary. Thinking about it I realised that sufferings and sorrows are often reflected back to joy, in the Lord. Joy of a deeper kind, leaning on the full weight of assurance in a heartrendingly glorious eternity with our Creator. Manusia kesengsaraan... Let my heart be broken but not despair. I have come to see happiness with a tinge of sorrow, like the people sleeping in the streets even as I was really happy to be exploring places with my dear friends (I counted four in the short 2 hours we were out yesterday). And on ...

Thankful. That I can say that I appreciate my 大姑丈 after today's trip with him to the hospital with 奶奶. We really worked together to ensure that the old one was able to clean her teeth and do a X-Ray properly. She is still very strong despite the age and we were struggling to stop her from pushing away those dental contraptions in her valiant attempt to abort the somewhat distressing process. I can see how much thought he put into this whole process of caregiving. 有很多细节要照顾. While I was thankful for that, I think it was only today that I started to appreciate him as a person. He is really, as the taxi uncle said, 好好先生. Notwithstanding that I still don't really fancy the long messages (those mass forward chain message kind), I appreciate the thought behind him sending them. Will not forget the back view of him wearing the apron, holding 奶奶 up in the X-Ray room while constantly encouraging her to stand, lean forward etc. 真是好多细节要照顾。

是一个美好的一天。睡到9点，赖在床上想着昨天也真是美好的一天。唱着歌与神父说话，再用彩色笔记下心中的感触。 发电邮给社工系其中最喜欢的教授，做一点admin，哦，是午餐时间了。肚子饿了。 把最讨厌吃的香蕉切成片，放进烤炉里要烘干，便出去了。 在口福吃幼面，不知为什么特别好吃。去Giant买做蛋糕的材料回家，啊，好久没烘焙了。打着牛油的声音好好听，扑鼻而来的蛋糕香让我知道味道一定不错。 是真的很不错 😙   把蛋糕切了放进盒子里准备明天带给朋友和家人，想到他们吃的样子有开心的感觉。匆忙赶到荣耀堂赴约，本来因为第一次和牧师说话还有些心急，不过聊了超过一个小时。感恩。 Banana Squares with Nutella (adapted from here )    2 1/2 cups flour (280g flour) 250g butter 1 1/3 cup castor sugar 4 bananas 1 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 4 eggs About 1/4 cup Nutella 1. Heat oven to 180C/160C fan/gas 4. Butter a 12 inch square cake tin and line the base and sides with baking parchment (if you don't have, just butter will do! More washing up for you) 2. Cream the butter and sugar until light and fluffy, then add the eggs with a little flour and 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda. Fold in the remaining flour, baking soda and bananas. Pour into the tin and spread evenly. Use a teaspoon to add dollops of Nutella into the batter and run a spatul...

In all honesty I remembered being quite sian during the ExCo meeting when they decided that I should be the ex-officio for the freshmen orientation camp. At that point I was like gah, I need to go attend all their meetings and stuff. Today's QT reading really spoke to me- king Hezekiah's prayer after his illness and recovery in Isaiah 38. The themes of God not answering when you cry out, God being the one who afflicts, God working in ways so contrary to who He says He is, and a man's anguish at all this. "I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me" (v13) "But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too." (v15-16a) "Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish" (v17a) There was a breakthrough during this c...

It is 12.02am and I need to be awake in less than 5.5 hours' time. And I should probably be thinking practically what I have to do for my role as Outreach Coordinator so I can have something to share with my Exco and OCs working with me. Or the fact that I am going to meet NKF to talk about research for my Honours thesis this Friday. But no. I want to write about prayer, how it spoke to me today, even as I prayed. I was asked to pray to close after the segment on ministries in the residences. The significance of that prayer for me was the reaffirmation and genuine faith that God is omniscient, and having that vision on how it looks like for our ministry. We see things only as we are experiencing them (even history is socially constructed based on our own interpretations that is in turn influenced by our backgrounds/values/beliefs), and we don't even see them fully. We are so limited in our sight. Not knowing what lies ahead, I somehow also saw that God uses each of the people...

Seoul Yummy 吴冠中 | 故乡之城 吴冠中 |玉龙雪山 吴冠中 |湘西渡口 Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written. John 21:25

View from my favorite CLB corner seat ""Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." What does a man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?" (Ecclesiastes 1:2b-3, NIV) As I was about to type how I woke up with this hollowed feeling, I remembered that this is not new. Old question recently surfaced: What am I doing? Like really, what am I achieving? I don't want to create a system of redemption for myself by rushing to do stuff and making myself needed. Which I know I cannot without God anyway. This season is really one of humility (I sincerely hope it is) and praying. More observable is the focus on relationships- family and friends. Yet there's this huge part. I am insecure. And when that happens, sometimes I don't know if I am meeting my own needs or others. (Wow I didn't expect this to come out. I was just going to type about living ordinary days.) But yes, that's part of an ordinary day. To daily ask for gr...

A friend's post about how she had less than a dollar in her bank account and how she has to work for her university education reminded me of how privileged I am. In this Friday's seminar we did the Privilege Walk and I was ahead of so many of my friends. Standing there, I felt the social distance. If I am guilty about privilege, it would be because I took so many of them for granted, they ceased to feel like privileges to me. Especially not having to work for your university education which can be such a pain in the ass sometimes- I can't imagine the double pain my friends feel, working for something that they don't like. Even being able to look for internships, and not caring whether they paid or not. As I mentally listed all the other privileges I have, I realised the extent of my privilege. One of them is travelli ng | Hainan, 海瑞墓 This semester which is ending in exactly 2 weeks' time has been one of the best. Which is utterly surprising given that it s...

Feeling sonder again. 这次不是伤悲，而是比较positive. (Strange eh, I start blogging in such a rojak way only in a foreign land) sonder  n . the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk. The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows 12 more days. Before I end a chapter of my life in Hong Kong, and go back to Singapore. My mind automatically added to "face the shit in Singapore".  Honestly am feeling quite apprehensive. Dust from old things I thought were buried in the past for good stirred up as I tried to prep myself emotion...

"Whoa no pre trip??" A response that I got when I told my fellow HKU exchange kids that I will be arriving, now that I checked the semester dates properly, on the very day school officially starts (praying I don't have Monday classes). Though I don't really like the term 'pre trip'. Makes me think of the psychedelic experience you get with LSD trips- where a distorted reality is better than the here-and-now. Just because I am in a foreign land doesn't mean that I can care less about justice, suffering, the gospel- which is the reality. But to be honest, I think I grappled a bit with FOMO- I must go to Mongolia I resolved, roughing it out myself no less because it will really be pretty cool. Impulsive, naive me was annoyed at the concerns of my parents and friends when I told them about Mongolia. I see pictures on Instagram of beautiful portraits in beautiful places, and compare these places to Hong Kong. My pre trip thus far consists of meeting fr...