chronicles of young

I was journalling this bit of reflection down and thought it would be wise to blog it for easier access- I need to be reminded of this constantly. That is: Knowing myself, and with people affirming that I am capable, I must never give myself over to the lie that I am of greater worth.  My worth is not in skill or name In win or lose, in pride or shame But in the blood of Christ that flowe At the cross       [My Worth Is Not in What I Own] "According to the bounty of his land, They have embellished his sacred pillars." (Hosea 10:1) The last thing I want is for my thinking to be so fixed and so closed off to others due to pride that I become like the person I have difficulties with now. I'm pretty sure there is a lot of room for examining my thoughts about this person but that is for another time. On a brighter and totally different topic- met up with 3 friends from JC today! It was our first meeting together in like 5 years?! I am fil...

And soon did I set out to procure the book, and now I have finished it. It does feel like a few grand themes in my life are coming together- all of a sudden at times, and then so slow it makes me jumpy the other. I know it is a dangerous thing to say, especially regarding that which I hold cherished. And so with veiled words and a weak attempt at eloquence: Pi, you have guessed it, A mystery known and yet not. But hush, don't be excited, The main character is not him. Simple Psyche with that meek beauty, Or Orual (her name I turn over in my lips more than Psyche) the embittered, Fox with his wise Greek sayings, And the gods who did not answer till Orual got her answer in her complaint. But no these are far from the main character, Whom we (I) fail describing and have failed. The story is now mine (and yours?), With He who made Orual a Psyche. Thus my resolve, After which a realisation. Till I have been cruel of heart (in the words of Orual still with veiled fac...

I remember how much I liked this phrase when we first learnt it in Chinese class. Then in university I learnt the more technical term of cognitive dissonance . And 矛盾 grew larger to occupy permanent brain space. It has always been there as a part of me; I might just have been real comfortable in my own world with its safe goodness in community work and Christian friends. It struck me today: Have I become someone so different? I'm not sure. This uncertainty is telling too. I wish I could be stronger yet I wish it wouldn't have to be so hard. 对与错黑与白，似乎还存在。不过好像是在无情感的空间。安慰自己，深有感触的心活出更微妙的色彩。 还是矛盾。觉得累但是不可以这么容易累但是我真的好想就让河流带着我走。

Funny how one of the most defining ways I conceptualise myself was concretised by a question posed while I was waiting groggily for a flight in Beijing airport. "Kang is like a cat. The sociable kind who seeks company but happy wandering alone too. Grounded by soul-refreshing relationships with God and friends, she is not afraid to do things (most of the time).  Don't fully know what is inside (not fish) but Kang knows that she is Kang as cats know that they can just be cats and not dogs though people compare the two." Now Cat is restless, seeking company. From a specific person. And it kinda sucks because at a deeper level that takes x 10000 more effort to summon, she knows that it is not him she seeks but something else. That temptation is almost too hard to bear. Almost. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also pro...