chronicles of young

剪一片云拽着，纪念曾珍惜的， 就此远去了，但是心还悬着 怪怪的忧伤。而这歌词正唱出了心声。 Sometimes I reflect that social workers must either be superhuman, or robotic in order to function. To use the self as a professional, be fully congruent, yet not allow the self's experience and emotions to spill over. It is a wistful kind of sadness- delayed and projected grieves mingled with the joy of knowing these people and God. (Much as I can value independence and fun at the expense of others, my top primary goods are relationships and purpose okay.) Anyways, right after I typed this during lunch I had a session with a youth whom I basically said "Sorry social workers are not superhuman I can't read your thoughts" when he expressed that he sometimes wished I could just read his mind. And he complimented me twice: (1) For expressing how people cope with emotions through their own means even if it is a stupid way to others (e.g. self-harm), and (2) For being the first person to not focus on school, whi...

原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。  真的。  但是，里面还是搏斗着。  “一个不平凡的人啊！ 难得难得，要是你是男孩子就会比较理想。因为，女孩子会有一点点不方便。” 原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。 也会怕有一天会跌倒。 I attempt to twist my hands free from the firm grasp on my wrists- it hurt when I struggled. I never liked how I can't seem to be trusted to cross the traffic lights myself.  My dress rode up a bit as I started to pedal the Obike. 他们一定骂我的。穿这样骑脚踏车！Yet there was a strange satisfaction in that act itself.  Maybe that's why, I want to travel solo so badly. 原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。 I really cannot help it. //On brighter things: Watercolour inspired by the Amdo Tibetan print on the handmade Tibetan pouch - the seemingly lone flowers are linked together in a bigger tapestry. Proverbs 3:19-20 before me while I painted: "By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew."

And soon did I set out to procure the book, and now I have finished it. It does feel like a few grand themes in my life are coming together- all of a sudden at times, and then so slow it makes me jumpy the other. I know it is a dangerous thing to say, especially regarding that which I hold cherished. And so with veiled words and a weak attempt at eloquence: Pi, you have guessed it, A mystery known and yet not. But hush, don't be excited, The main character is not him. Simple Psyche with that meek beauty, Or Orual (her name I turn over in my lips more than Psyche) the embittered, Fox with his wise Greek sayings, And the gods who did not answer till Orual got her answer in her complaint. But no these are far from the main character, Whom we (I) fail describing and have failed. The story is now mine (and yours?), With He who made Orual a Psyche. Thus my resolve, After which a realisation. Till I have been cruel of heart (in the words of Orual still with veiled fac...

The top few songs for the Coachella music and arts festival perturb me. Among them are Alone (Marshmello) and Scared To Be Lonely. When I was forced to sit through the second song in the taxi some time ago, I made a mental note to give it a listen again. Okay I think this is the point I should say that I am slightly more assured after finding out that RadioHead was the main opening act on Day 1 of the festival. Fake Plastic Trees was a earworm in yes, those angst teenage years. ( "It wears him out...It wears him out..." ) Continuing on with my judgment of English pop now, I really felt sad listening/watching the MV of these 2 videos. Not just these, but in generally listening to the pop music now, it felt to me like a kind of indication of a deep hurt in society. Not just a deep hurt, but there seems to be a sense of experiential satisfaction pursued in and of itself. My mind somehow thinks of self-harm ( 'across the river not down the stream' ); has it become...

Because someone kept asking me to rest :) This is my kind of rest and I foresee that I will be a fat Makcik in the future :o Baking. Eating. With good company, at a nice place. Licking batter off the mixing bowl is good too but I guess I have grown to enjoy people more. Journalling, writing. More often in cafes now which is bad because it makes me plump and poor (good alliteration right). I enjoy hiking and seeing nature too, but too bad I haven't really got the energy  motivation to do the local hikes. I miss waking up at unearthly hours and travelling on the MTR to hike legit mountains. I miss the carefree times, when I can just agree to a 12am hike after coming back from a short run in the cold. Well, no sadness in saying this. I have my Rest, in Whom nothing I have missed is lost. FYI: From Pioneer Woman , she's one of the first food bloggers that I followed at 14 years old. Recipe is diabetic though, cut back on the sugar like by ALOT.

I knew I had an asshole side of me but I'd almost forgotten until today. So nicely suppressed. In a sense I am thankful for that because it reminds me that 我是人。是肉体的人，同时也是神的子女。 And while I am grateful for whatever life experiences and personal dispositions that I have, which made me who I am- a quick thinker who grasps things quite fast, analytical (?), able to look at macro stuff- I also know this has made me impatient, prideful, inclined to bash my way through things I don't quite know because I can't stand being meticulous about going through step-by-step (ref SPSS). Legit ashamed of myself at project work today, impatient, silently judging my group mates (such an asshole right). Seriously, I need to learn more patience in order to build people up, to work together to get good things going, to love. Love is patient indeed. It has been a long day.Woke up somehow at 5.48am, decided to do a truncated QT for more time to look at my data. Very notably, it was Psalm 1...

Since I have been trying to be fluent in the three languages of English, Chinese and Malay in the past few months, I realised that the way I think and perceive things might have changed. It is very interesting because it is in light of another language that I see the idiosyncrasies of a particular one. Haha I am also trying to revise Bahasa Melayu while distracting myself from thesis for awhile. Language does shape thinking, even one's identity. It breaks my heart everytime I remember that in Japanese, there is no word for that unconditional, agape love. Can one appreciate fully what he cannot put a word to? Reminded of the book 1984, where Newspeak was used to suppress individualism, and also the movie The Giver where 'precise language' was demanded and emotional language suppressed. Have been learning more about Malay culture ( budaya Melayu ) through pantun (Malay poetry) and peribahasa. But it is the words that amaze me sometimes: merendah diri - literal translat...

一个美好的早晨。吃着慢煎糕 （因为昨天在美食节目上看到厦门的慢煎糕好好吃）。我告诉妈妈，和表妹因为婆婆开始的Google 照片文件夹，有一张大姨的照片，照得好像模特儿，好美。妈妈说，你跟她讲，以后一定买好吃的给你吃。（哈哈我在爸妈眼里一直还是贪吃鬼） 过后我说，要找一个适合的旅行，不用走太多路，但也不是很轻松，带婆婆去。  妈妈就说，带她去越南咯！爸爸插进一句：她哪都想去，要你们带她去。  啊，不懂婆婆有没有跟你讲，以前有个邻居，现在中了Parkinson's，婆婆去看她，一直流眼泪，好心痛。她的手指鸡爪一样，虽然脑袋清醒可是不能动。我就跟她说咯，不要懒惰，现在可以走的时候就不要一直呆在家里。  这个阿婶是有读书的，是她们当中的 leader 这样。 记得以前折报纸做纸袋, 以前哪里有plastic bag! 还有那些喝水的袋子，那些绳子都是手工串，绑的，现在都是机器 liao。100 个，两毛钱，补贴家用。我们还是比其他孩子幸运的啦，婆婆没有叫我们一定要做，喜欢做就做一下，没有说要在家里不可以出门。 哇，还有以前都是一块儿的，有个卖lor mai gaai 的，不知道她的名就叫她 lor mai gaai 阿姨。新年的时候，有一个邻居做kueh bangkit, 就会招我们：来啊来啊！以后久了就像一个commitment 了，每次都帮她。就在家门口烧炭，现在做这样，一定 tio complain! 她新年就一定会买一件新衣上门。 Ah Leng Ah Peng 的爸爸她们小时候就带到婆婆那边，拜拜就上班了。公公在家的时候就会带她们去kindergarten，会买吃的给她们，所以也是跟公公很亲。  哦，公公也是每次买东西给我吃。公公说的，卖烧肉的，说这个baby 很可爱，就切烧肉给你吃。你这个贪吃的就吃了。  好啦，快点喝完一起洗，不要浪费水。

It is actually raining right now, and I reluctantly close my windows to stop the rain from wetting the matte floor. Nyanian hujan betul-betul menarik hati irama, hujan di lantai konkrit menangkanku. 终于听见下雨的声音，于是我的世界被吵醒 Reminds me of my first love, how I am seeking to let my perspective be changed to mirror God's- and it's a kind of awakening, to a far better, rain-washed world. Mercy drops round me are falling, but for the showers we plead. This genius knows that love causes someone begin to take on the loved's lens. 窗台上滴落的雨滴，轻敲着伤心，凄美而动听 (this line is so beautiful look at the nuances and metaphorisation in the Chinese language and culture) Brings me back to yesterday's Diversity Symposium :') Much feels 好感动 sangat terharu. Being in front of everyone was initially quite D: but after I got over being self-conscious (the blazer and choker and looking good helped alot, superficial I know) I really enjoyed looking at these people there. Taking notes, listening int...

For some reason, every time I reflected that I am becoming more extroverted, the immediate reaction was to deny, like being an extrovert is a bad development. I have indeed developed my ability to be extroverted from having to interact with so many people all day everyday (an exaggeration: I'd be hiding at home now if it were so). Wanted to write this down before I sleep (strangely buzzing-awake, without caffeine, probably the itch from the multiple mosquito bites on my feet?!). Reflections from interactions. 1. Dignity I realised that perhaps it is not the act of asking money or saying that one is poor that robs one of dignity, or accepting financial help even. Perhaps it is the value and meaning we place on money. Why is it so 'shameful' that I am less well-off? Does that make me more coarse? Perhaps. But ultimately I think it boils down to what/whom we based our dignity on. I have grown to not be ashamed of my humble(ish) background, especially when interacting wi...

It's the 4am epiphany again. I am very glad that this time it was for Glory Presbyterian Church. Pretty sure my proposal will be taken favorably, excited to see what happens. Thank you, Father, You have let me do what I wanted to do. On more trivial things, I discovered another time capsule while searching for those One Piece name stickers I got made eons ago (don't know why I suddenly got reminded of their existence). Introspection is my nature, I am sure of that now.  The closest reason is (2) it was really a pleasant surprise. Jolted my memories of a more awkward Kang back in Secondary 2, still needy for friends' affirmations, trying to fit into the cool kids gang. Those were the days of Neoprints, junk food at JEC, altercations with people (including once with Newtown Secondary kids lol).   I really thank God for preserving me. Not only that, He has added so much to me such that my 'priorities' have been fulfilled, even though He was way ...

This symbol has been featuring in my thoughts for the past 1 month plus ever since I read that article . ( ) used to be B, the second best friend I had and possibly the oldest friend I am still pretty much in regular contact with. That sass, that humour, the way boys like her. In no small way, as I was reflecting after Disgraced , in no small way has how I present myself been shaped by her. Even till now. ( ) is still sometimes "one of those chicks that look like they have it all". What came back to me again and again was this paragraph: "It's kind of beyond me how someone can have their life so sorted. Maybe I should start comparing them allegorically to filing cabinets. Each file section is a subdivision of life. Academics. Family ties. Extra-curricular activities. Social stature. Looks. Boyfriends/ girlfriends. Socioeconomic state. Mental health. Physical form. With a person like ( ) , not only is every section perfectly organised, but also each...

An irrational number | I wonder when that memory on the bus became significant. Like the never-ending decimal representations, peering into that blip of time that has accrued layers of meanings over time I emerge with a thread with an end that only God knows.  There are still new digits being computed for pi. Pi is not mysterious but is known, yet that depth I do not yet (?) have. It was so hard to write those lines. Sometimes I would put my face super close to the mirror, and it becomes a stranger to me.