Showing posts from 2021

Tranquil joy

 "As you read this, I hope you will understand that when I speak of the long night that preceded these days of my happiness, I do not remember grief and loneliness as much as I do peace and comfort -- grief, but never without comfort; loneliness, but never without peace. Almost never."       --- Marilynne Robinson in Gilead Trigger warning: Talk about world events beyond individual control. Skip to after photo if it might be too much :> *** As I begin to write, I am wondering if it is the case that the world just got so much more strife and violence, or that I have merely just 'grown up' to care more and feel more responsible now that I have so much more resources at my disposal compared to when I was a child?  The crises in Yemen and South Sudan which feel like they have become an accepted normal... to the military coup in Myanmar, and now the Taleban takeover in Afghanistan. Instagram is an incongruent source of news, because I follow climate/environmental advoca

Hello, Singapore

 Writing this down as an act of expression and laying these down... "that I may rest all my days, in the goodness of Jesus".  In the past 2.5 days that I am out of my quarantine, in all honesty there has been more uncomfortable/negative feelings than happy ones. Do I feel happy to be back with family? Not really. I got a scary nightmare about brother hurting me in my last night at the hotel. Another more negative dream just now- involving family (brother) again, but also insecurity (Do I see her as a love rival? Or is it more about feeling ashamed at myself based on what I project she thinks about me? More of the latter I think). But in any case, I feel more stressed and tensed in the bedroom where I grew up lol. It made me miss my space and my time back in HK... which in itself is quite disturbing because I am supposed to belong here.. where do I belong then? I definitely am not a Hong Konger as felt through daily interactions, I guess I feel more comfy with my PhD mates but

F**k this, God

 Yeah. I am in a very angry place. And I cannot really see anything else in that place. I am oscillating through feelings of rage, grief, sadness, loneliness and just feeling like F all this shit.  If it was a non-Christian, I would have taken it in stride (I hope.. haha). As it is I think I feel really traumatised by this whole fiasco and I really don't want to meet with her but I need to. I guess this is all compounded when I am in a foreign land and I don't think I can talk to people who know both of us. On the other hand I keep wondering if I have been over-amplifying this and it is also quite wearisome. Okay, I think I need to be clear that at the heart of the issue she has, it is good. But she was really disagreeable and I felt like I wasn't even given the chance to share who I am or even just my thoughts on the matter. And that is what hurt the most, terribly badly. Did you even want to know me as a person?  I really don't know why this hurt so badly... its not l

Jesus' blood

 It is so strange isn't it, I am the victim and the person who put that used condom in my bag is the one at fault, but it stirs up so many anxious thoughts about myself and second-guessing what actually happened because it is such a mystery as to how it got into my bag.  My first physical encounter with sexual trauma... but in this broken world as a female the response has a history of other traumas including vicarious ones shared with other females. I think again, in secular language we need male allies. But in God's design, we need males to be good stewards of their relationships with other females- mothers, lady friends, partners.  Particularly in the red light district. This is actually a euphemism for sexual exploitation. Of course me being pointed to by men to be engaged as a sex worker isn't 'wrong' per se. I was standing there with them. I think to myself, is this what it means to renounce myself and identify with them as Jesus did for us? It is still a (sma

When the Weather Was Good Enough

 (Haha post title inspired by my current favorite Kdrama- Guardian)  Its not 'because the weather was good enough' as I know what I am going to write is what I know to be true for me regardless of the weather. Its just that when the weather is bad (read: the sun's rays are obscured), I feel like things are more grey and the brightness in my heart grows dimmer. Perhaps this is really the limits- or rather more positively, stretching of my faith to hope, trust, love and rejoice in all circumstances.  Writing down some reflections/reminders recently, with much thanksgiving- God is giving me good gifts right now; all the time in all different seasons. Was comparing and thinking about 'what could be' recently which got me pretty emotional, and a  timely article on God's providence from C. really spoke to me. There are so many good gifts that I could list out when b0bear asked me what these were when I shared my reflections- well worth remembering on overcast days. B

A Rant

The PhD feels so hard and lonely, especially today. I think the aloneness is already something always in the background, when obviously other friends have their own colleagues for support and workplace huddles. Ironically COVID made things a bit better; there is the new normal of WFH which allowed for some shared experience with friends. And now I at least have a warm person that I can talk to face to face during the work day.  I really don't know if it was my lonesome personality that got me just going into this PhD in the first place. Okay I guess I am feeling exclusively, majorly sorry for myself. I feel pretty bad and frustrated to be doing this but well this is where I am. Its almost gonna be 2 years since I started. Will I end up also just being used to working by myself and be a difficult person to work with next time. Or worse am I gonna end up in a place where I will continue working by myself... I'm not thinking about giving up but it just feels so hard. It makes me w


 Am I experiencing grief?  It is actually weird because one very big part is that, I don't feel like I know the person of 奶奶 very well. Maybe there is that sadness in there; I will never get to know her like I am knowing my 婆婆 now.  Also, I keep recalling how I really didn't like her at all for most part of my life. Whenever she stayed with us, we shared the same room. I wouldn't really like the smell and sometimes feel like she is a bit dirty. The great thing was, I was really scared of the spirits and ghosts when I was young. So having someone sleeping in the same room with me was a source of comfort.  But really, for the most part, I remember my brother and I even had quarrels over whose turn was it to sit next to 奶奶 at dinnertime. This might be fabricated memory; but I think 奶奶 also paid more attention to my brother as a male grandson. And the other male cousins as well. But well, this doesn't really matter now- she was also a product of her times.  There is a very