chronicles of young

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...

A bike is also youth Ke mana? Stop where? Beams of glee To be at safe distance Absorbing Vit D Albeit with some dissonance (The Shoppes is empty and Aunty is masked up) It is sad beautiful Such lovely yellow Amidst this They will come again next year, yes He went into the sea Is he bathing Or is he swimming? The best of times The worst of times

Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :> As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset. What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process. I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God. Well, 1 month into thi...

Gamut of feelings. It is quite mysteriously interesting that almost every time I change to a new journal book, it marks another season. Or could it be my mind instinctively marking the seasons as the pages come to an end? Either way, with reflections from the weekend of GRIT camp and other stuffs, I filled up the last page of the book I bought at a hipster bookstore in Xia Men during my 'Last Summer' in 2017. This 'Last Summer' was a series of post-graduation travels before I started what I thought will be a long long season of being a ground social worker. The 2017 social worker that I was had no great dreams, just to survive in the emotionally draining work and do good to the people I served. Fear was what held back all those idealistic thoughts (wouldn't really call them dreams I guess) of social enterprise, community work, research. Shortly afterwards, it was the seemingly inane and objectively busy work that kept these safely in the realm of good thoughts. ...

神的儿女要唱一首新歌，我们神要做新事 旧的事都已经过去，在基督里一切都要更新 新的眼界 新的異象，新的故事 新的方向 (Give Us Vision, SOP 2015) 1. Beginning from the latest 'new' thing (or rather one) | I do remember a time in 2018 where I was almost in the depths of despair as I realised that I have not been known fully and I doubted if there was anyone who would know me fully and truly accept me. Recalling my reflections on being human after Anntic 2016, this struggle to be known/making myself known has been a rooted one.  I guess one of the most beautiful, gospel-proclaiming joy of being a together-er, +1, half in a relationship that is more than ourselves is this- to be fully known and to be fully accepted. Of course, my reflexive self is aware that I might well be suffering from the age-old 'love is blind' illness. But that is not really true because there has been uncomfortable reflections and disclosures that show me (us) that these old ways need to be given up. And still, the acceptance (intentional...

What a blessing to be able to hold all things loosely, even my very life. Though of course as stoic/ faith-full as I seem, doubts and lingering fears will probably stay with me throughout my life. Am I fully convinced of my eternal glorious life in heaven? Honestly, no. Yet I have enough faith and experience with God to know that Abba Father will bring me home, by grace. Thinking about death more recently as I prepare heart and mind to head to Nagaland. There is a risk to every adventure undertaken with God, yet how fun and joyful each one is with the Spirit's leading :) Putting this hymn here as a reminder- the trip will be definitely challenging and stretch my patience, love and everything nice (LOL). Yet God remains our common vision and on this foundation we stand together. Heart of my heart, whatever befall, still be my vision O Ruler of all. \\ What if I really die? Be still, child. I the LORD will bring you home and take care of the things back here.

I truly thank God for this in-between season as I look ahead toward the new chapter of my life even as I prepare my heart to leave. Abba, You really do have a sense of humour. I had this mindset to wrap things up and press the reset button like I did 4 years ago, but You showed me otherwise. I asked for an end in my subconscious when faced with such brokenness and evil at work- seemingly more in recent months as I prepare to leave. My heart sighs and breaks at relationships not reconciled, children in lack, and youths seeking intimacy and significance in broken ways. Grief is uncomfortable. And You remind me that I have a calling as a prophet- to see, to grief, and then point to hope ( Brueggemann, 2014 ). I was readying myself for farewells and the inevitable (?) drifting of friendships- yet I'd grown deeper in friendships with young ones and those already in my life. Used to think that I'm not really a people person; but I guess 2019 is showing me otherwise. I was (am) ...

台中 在未来某个灰暗的一天，希望回想这几天好牧人的带领照顾 不盼望挫折但也知道 “你的国降临” 这个祷告大部分是由信徒的心酸而应许的 :')

It's the third day knowing that I have been accepted into the PhD programme (i.e. I'm getting a bit nervous about having to make a clear decision soon). I thank God for watercolour; I usually lapse into thinking about God as an impersonal Being, but painting creation- the sky, mountains, seas, vast expanses- helps me to remember again that God knows the whole of me and I know Him too. 18 Jan 站在大海边，才发现自己有多渺小， 而又发现，我是伟大神 拣选的。 19 Jan 往前看那前头的路程 你世世代代做我们的居所 你使人归于尘土 叫我们数算自己的日子 得着智慧的心 It is really amazing looking at this because I'd initially wanted to paint a horse, but screwed up so I had to paint something over it. A tent because I'd just read about Jesus at the Feast of Tabernacles, and also Mongolians use gers. Later on, next to 奶奶 and thinking about going away, Psalm 90 came to mind. And so this watercolour took on a whole different meaning for me. Where do I go from here? Pondering on how things will be for my family, a thought which I...

More than one person has told me that I constantly surprise them. I think I surprise myself too. Crazy crazy thing I just did- Sent a long email to Prof Teo YY and telling her about my intention to apply for PhD. What on earth. But I'm glad :) I read the research proposal on community development I sent in 2 years ago, and although some of the language has become quite abstractly unfamiliar, the essence of it still excites me. So here goes... Let's see where this leads.

Today is day 3 of the SWSD conference and my mind is one swirl of new concepts, ideas and ideals. So I'm going to hold my horse on it (haha can it even be used like that never mind lah hor I am proud of my Singlish). I was in the Isle of Man alone yes, but contrary to what image friends might be having in their minds when they say I am on a solo trip- I have been far from going at it alone. I needed others so much. The kindness and warmth of another person- there was this gentleman who walked me to the railway station, or especially the smiles/short exchanges with passer-bys. They were as important as the sun and glimmering sea. So yeah. In a small way through my reflections I want to foster a culture of community, of vulnerability (which requires humility, which actually needs courage). So the thing I most want to get out there is how much insecurities I have, even though I am at this place where some people look up to me and think how confident I am. Throwback to GoFort...

I really love Saturdays where I drift in and out of slumber in the morning knowing that there is nothing that I need to wake up for except to have a hearty breakfast with my parents. Just being a child and hugging my crocodile soft toy (his name is Peebo btw), thinking fluffy thoughts. Found this in my old recipe notebook today when I was trying to find a recipe to use up the custard powder lying around. Those days when I only had a BW Nokia phone and so much time to read- A bit blown to see how nearly 10 years from then, most of what I wanted to do 'when I, Kang Li grows up' have been checked off. It is like God heard the prayers that even I had forgotten, and stored them in His heart. Chocolate Pound Cake and writing a book- these two are more stuff of dreams- but let's see where the adventure with God takes.

The best kind of holiday is the one that allows you to reflect and be refreshed, and that was exactly what the Jogja trip did for me. Significantly, I think I had the conclusion to the prayer requests I asked of my colleagues for a few months at morning devotions (I admit I hadn't been very faithful in praying by myself- value of community experienced). The main tension/question experienced in the transition from student to professional was: Am I doing enough for the kingdom of God? Well I do think it's fallacious to say that this will be the tension one faces in transiting to work because this tension is supposed to stay throughout our lives as we seek greater love. Two threads of thoughts (trying to be more organised here) culminated from thinking during the long car rides and that 3 hours alone together with my 2 dear INFJ friends: God demands much of us, mortal man made in His very image. To be like Christ is an uncompromising perfect standard, yet fitting for a...

He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know." Ezekiel 37:3   Read-typing these verses with Broken Vessels playing in the background. How apt.  It is strange how I didn't feel that momentous passing of time until now, December and 31st, the last day of 2017. (Thank God for the marking of time)  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! In the days leading up to Christmas, I was literally dreading having to get out of the house and face people. Looking back at my planner, it is a blank and I can't remember much of those days either. Just that weariness and slight despair. Ah, I know why. Emotional week it was, with 3 deaths of people I know/relatives of people I know. And with stuff happening at work. And so many things to settle for camp and things I have to go for. Including camp, which was these daunting 5 days in which I have to be strong, to be loving, to be more t...

I catch myself exclaiming this inwardly when I get the feeling that my prayers have been answered - which is a good thing right? - but there's a sense of being 'tricked' into something uncomfortable. Surely this is one of the reasons why God says 'No' or 'Wait' to our prayers. We do not know what it means for ourselves when we pray for certain things, or perhaps we ask without being fully ready for the 'Yes'. Anyway, just before I slept YW asked how come I got the feeling that it wouldn't be good for me to go for this Bible camp which I really took alot away from last year. Just vague thoughts about my participation not being very helpful for the other campers and not very aligned to the season I'm in so I didn't reply. This morning came the invitation to head the Discipleship Committee for church youth camp. Such is human nature: My first reaction was something like 'Wow! Good job, God! You answered my prayers in this way and no...

News of the Rakhine being stuck in no-man's land between border guards and the Myanmese army made me want to know where this border is exactly. Sometimes the amount of bad news from the same places everyday makes things feel 'standard'. But no, part of our battle for the truth is that each piece of such news belies the lives of eternal souls. These souls have history of rich experiences, they can be so resilient, yet I can't ever imagine the trauma and its after-effects on them. I was looking at those borders between the nations. Looking at the map, I understood better why Italy and France have so many Libya and Algeria refugees. Borders are a de facto part of the world. We don't really question the fundamental anxiety that's driving each country to protect its borders, do we? I am part of the anxiety. Let the refugees in, and there will bound to be societal changes. Let the foreign workers come, but they are only acceptable if they meet our sector need...

大姑丈问的这一句仿佛象征着世界会不断问我的问题。 Do I dare to make that resolution again, to wait on the LORD? You know, thinking about the vastness of Your plan for this world and our part in it, my heart is stilled.  Like in Tap Mei Tuk where the cloud-covered mountains and gently lapping waters declare Your glory. How wonderful to know You and walk in Your ways!   "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"  Proverbs 20:24 (NLT)  I am ready to go back home now, to begin work and continue with ministry. There is a place for me there, and I will discover why these doors have been opened.  P.S. I am very happy to share about stuff to do in HK~ It feels like a second home; I've had one of the best times of my life and precious moments of basking in God's creation here.

Maybe I write this post as a mini self rebuke, maybe an act of subtle self-glorification. "A discerning man keeps wisdom in view, but a fools' eyes wander to the ends of the earth." Proverbs 17:24 Feels like straight in the heart rebuke when I read it this morning.  Dear Mum and Dad, family and friends: I am both sorry and not sorry. Which in effect is not sorry at all. And I am, in my better self, sorry for that. Sorry that I don't really care about the great mess in my room nor the fact that I probably lost my identity card. It really doesn't matter at the end of it, like I said to the utter dismay of my friends in response to the possibility of missing our flight back to Singapore.  After awhile, it kinda sucks being seen as crazy/foolish/needing to be restrained. Of course, there is truth in it. (No, I shall not be tempted into emotional pride and feel like it's me against the world) Yet I hope that some of this other-worldliness is a v...

I was still toying with the idea of taking my brother's bike out for an adventure while on the way back from hiking with the parents. The next morning when I woke up it occurred to me that I had already cycled around Hainan (on the main roads with the cars/motorbikes!). That sealed it, I'm going! This time, parents were duly informed (though not of the plan to cycle till Pandan Reservoir; didn't know I could make it that far too). I'm a naughty kid I know. What I really wanted to say was, how enjoyable it was to cycle with the rain beating down on my skin. I was thoroughly drenched after 1/3 of my first leg up to Chinese Garden. I felt really carefree. Though there was the saddle pain. Felt it keenly when cycling through the pouring rain along the straight canal path with my thighs feeling like they were gonna fail me. Less so, but felt it when admiring the post-rain glistening Jurong lake and pine trees (?). Saddle pain in Macs when basking in the post accom...