chronicles of young

Inspired by watching Tam Wai Jia's reels- honestly really inspired and also a little envious. Kind of like 'having it all', but I know I am just focusing on the processed pieces that she shared and not the sufferings/trials she had been through to arrive at these pieces. The truth is, God has also given me pearls that are used to bless others and glorify Him through my life experiences. I felt a quiet welling of tears when I took in the reels about how she processed with her children. And her reminding that if we didn't have this safe emotional space as a kid, we can heal and change the pattern 💛 Providentially, I had also been thinking about my inner child since an IG post about it .   So even though its work hours, I want to give myself the time and space to write things down to process. Knowing that I have mostly followed the pattern of pushing past my emotions to achieve goals, after which I may lose passion or sight of what I really want. (Thinking back on my...

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

优美伤感但带着希望的歌 What stood out in The Miracles of the Namiya General Store was how each character was connected by their acts of good will, and the affirming that each person's life is of such value. Indeed, we do not know how our words can impact and change the course of someone's life. A very timely reminder for me to watch my words. Thank God for the beauty in songs and movies, in the emotions conveyed through human voices, in the glorious light streaming through trees.

原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。  真的。  但是，里面还是搏斗着。  “一个不平凡的人啊！ 难得难得，要是你是男孩子就会比较理想。因为，女孩子会有一点点不方便。” 原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。 也会怕有一天会跌倒。 I attempt to twist my hands free from the firm grasp on my wrists- it hurt when I struggled. I never liked how I can't seem to be trusted to cross the traffic lights myself.  My dress rode up a bit as I started to pedal the Obike. 他们一定骂我的。穿这样骑脚踏车！Yet there was a strange satisfaction in that act itself.  Maybe that's why, I want to travel solo so badly. 原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。 I really cannot help it. //On brighter things: Watercolour inspired by the Amdo Tibetan print on the handmade Tibetan pouch - the seemingly lone flowers are linked together in a bigger tapestry. Proverbs 3:19-20 before me while I painted: "By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew."

-well darling let's hurt tonight. If this love is pain then darling let's love tonight~ (Let's Hurt Tonight, OneRepublic) Painted this today morning against the background music of Sinking Deep/I Need You Now/Broken Vessels. A fountain. The three that remain: Faith, Hope and Love. Leaves of tree for the healing of nations. Now that I have gotten things off my chest, I feel more at peace. Thank you, Evan. Thank You, Father for this mentor who is so similar to me, both in angst and in passion. I almost cried when she shared about Rev.Yap used to ask "Why you so not 乖?" Really thank You, Lord, for You reminded me about my third resolution to spur my spiritual family towards love and good works. I know You would desire a willing heart more than a person with abilities. Empty empty all these things, without love. So many points I felt like crying when talking to Evan. About the love for and angst over church, when she asked me what did I think God wants me t...

The top few songs for the Coachella music and arts festival perturb me. Among them are Alone (Marshmello) and Scared To Be Lonely. When I was forced to sit through the second song in the taxi some time ago, I made a mental note to give it a listen again. Okay I think this is the point I should say that I am slightly more assured after finding out that RadioHead was the main opening act on Day 1 of the festival. Fake Plastic Trees was a earworm in yes, those angst teenage years. ( "It wears him out...It wears him out..." ) Continuing on with my judgment of English pop now, I really felt sad listening/watching the MV of these 2 videos. Not just these, but in generally listening to the pop music now, it felt to me like a kind of indication of a deep hurt in society. Not just a deep hurt, but there seems to be a sense of experiential satisfaction pursued in and of itself. My mind somehow thinks of self-harm ( 'across the river not down the stream' ); has it become...

Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me.  Like, what you looking at, huh?   "I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park) " But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan) So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.) Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself.  But anyw...

I never really liked Joy from Inside Out, as perky as she was all the time. Maybe precisely because she is perky no matter what. Having to do a programme with Inside Out as the theme, I had analyse and rewatch the movie scenes. The identification sometimes hit too close. The part where Riley finds that things between Meg and her have changed, where Goofy Island crumbled, where Friendship Island crumbled. It was quite ironic, because a main part of the programme was teaching the siblings of special needs children to think positively. Thoughts,feelings and behaviours are interconnected and affect each other. I can choose to think positive thoughts which can change the way I feel about a situation. And there I was, like Riley. Where is the joy? It was a daily question I had to consciously answer when I woke up in the morning. An almost-bitter chew but left a sweet aftertaste that lasted. This (short, now that I reflect on hindsight) period of wretchedness is good for me. I don't know ...

The exhilaration was real, The feelings were real,  I thought to myself, Where will all these go. I hid the Christ in me, And threw myself into the potent pool,  Yes enjoyed myself for a moment still. Chasing the wind everyday, Knowing that it was not the way, Running in circles, Refusing to be gathered. The cost is real, The feelings are real, But the goal is greater still. So Abba I pray, Keep me close. 

That was what I really wanted to do, many times this past few months of 2015. The last weekend of May I literally slept it away (Yes, that was the week I wrote my previous post which was brimming with passionate adrenaline). Fast forward to this weekend. Saturday Woke up at 7am to travel to Aljunied for Playmax 4 briefing. Got horribly lost even with Google Maps when walking through many Lorong Geylang Roads. But I was feeling inquisitive and didn't mind it one bit (except for the fact that I was running quite late). Walking through the roads with the temples, migrant worker hostels and jumbled mix of buildings, I felt like I was on an adventure. Hightailed back home to make onde onde, buoyed by the wonderful opportunity to fulfill Jesus' commission in such an exciting way. Life lessons from making onde onde : 1. The recipe looked so easy I cannot resist making it because onde onde is like the trademark of a domestic goddess; alas the too-easily-thrown-toget...