chronicles of young

 Today is Easter Saturday- the in-between that reminds us Christians that we are living in a world where the glorious Light and Living Hope has dawned, but that it is still Not- Yet though not far.  I attended a memorial service of a dear sister's aunt this afternoon. I only have vague memories of her from attending IBC services in 2015, and last week I was quite emotionally vulnerable from the brokenness already that I dreaded to attend. But thank God, by Tues I submitted my conference paper and it just made everything better- plus past few days of connecting with different friends.  Anyway, I cried quite a bit- I really could see the legacy of Aunty through my friend and their family. Their family had always been such hospitable people to me and others in the church, and my friend had always been this sweet presence. Learning how Aunty had sown into their lives made me think: Wow, would people say this of me at my funeral next time? The testimony of her legacy was reall...

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

神的儿女要唱一首新歌，我们神要做新事 旧的事都已经过去，在基督里一切都要更新 新的眼界 新的異象，新的故事 新的方向 (Give Us Vision, SOP 2015) 1. Beginning from the latest 'new' thing (or rather one) | I do remember a time in 2018 where I was almost in the depths of despair as I realised that I have not been known fully and I doubted if there was anyone who would know me fully and truly accept me. Recalling my reflections on being human after Anntic 2016, this struggle to be known/making myself known has been a rooted one.  I guess one of the most beautiful, gospel-proclaiming joy of being a together-er, +1, half in a relationship that is more than ourselves is this- to be fully known and to be fully accepted. Of course, my reflexive self is aware that I might well be suffering from the age-old 'love is blind' illness. But that is not really true because there has been uncomfortable reflections and disclosures that show me (us) that these old ways need to be given up. And still, the acceptance (intentional...

Gonna probably read like some haphazardly written post haha what with seemingly disparate things making sense in my brain and me not bothering to process (read: clarify) too much because this is my space. But okay, CG sis prayed that we will ask God for direction first instead of deciding then pray that it will turn out well. And we just had a study on loving the church- and one main thing from that was to use our gifts to build up the church. Here goes- a frivolous song first (though I really like it! Singer, lyrics, poetic metaphors) Love U U　我像孤獨的漁夫 說不出　愛的溫度 很想給你幸福　你卻自我保護 轉彎處　只剩下潮汐之外的荒蕪 This is the first stanza from JJ Lin's Love UU. Obviously this is a sad love song, but its poetry render it even better than just sad- it connotes nostalgic, angst, confused feelings in that one stanza.  Take the last line- I think it means "At the end of all this, what is left is a pile of mess and hurt". But the song uses the metaphor of stormy tides, and it communicate...

This 1960s children's show is super lit. So so so much goodness, genuineness and the sense of neighborly love modeled in Fred Rogers and the other characters. Truth in a simple way too-  What if I were very very sad, And all I did was smile, After awhile, I wonder what might become of my Sadness What if I were very very angry And all I did was sit, And never think about it, What might become of my Anger? Where would they go,  And what would they do, If I couldn't let them out? Maybe I'd fall, Maybe get sick, Or doubt. But what if I, Could know the truth, And say just how I feel? I have been watching this show ever since coming across a FB post on how Fred Rogers intentionally modeled the equality of man by persuading brown-skinned Francois Clemmons to join his show- just when battles over integration of 'blacks' and 'whites' were raging. Teared when watching that episode where Fred Rogers welcomes...

I'm really quite zapped after having a super intense conversation which happened after a long day of team bonding. But writing these down to process my emotions and thoughts (one advice on how to use my top strength which is Intellection) I am not a team person. I am self-centered and if I were not a Christian I would be one major asshole. Yet today as Psalm 46 was read for devotions, I choked when it came to me to read verse 3. Angry, indignant of how I perceived the Psalm was used like that to apply to the pending upheaval and to smoothen things in the team. And then broken also. Broken because P. rightly, very edifyingly pointed out that everyone in the team has mostly good intentions. Broken because of my own resistance as I closed off and retreated into my self-centered state.  Also because v4 is something I hold close to me (that's personal): "Ada sebatang sungai yang alirannya akan menggembirakan kota Allah, tempat suci khemah Yang Maha Tinggi." A rive...

"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but man is tested by the praise he receives." Proverbs 27:21 Don't you find it interesting that the testing is 'praise' and not fiery trials?  Constantly amazed at how the Word upends our notions and challenges beliefs so ingrained in us: of what it means to be blessed (Matt 5:3-11), of who is wise in God's eyes (1 Cor 2:6-10), our favoritism and who is blessed by our Father (James 2:1-5). You see the depths of our hearts and You love us the same. In this age of post-truth, Your Word ever challenges the social norms and what we take for as "business as usual".

Currently typing this on phone as I head out of NUS for the last time as a (graduated) student. Went back to drop off the Honours Room key and my heart feels like it wants to linger. I look and finger the key a final time, and tell myself: This season has ended. And with that, the clang of the key and I walked away, no turning back. Walking down the stairs I've climbed countless times (almost always in haste), I reflected that perhaps in this journey, I'll always be discovering that the next season is a more true calling/place I should be. And the previous one is there to prepare me for the next. My heart was screaming for time to stop as the HK exchange ended, and the first few months back were terrible. Yet that season of my life, which has just ended, has been one of the best. (Ha ha ha, guess what, I think I've said that for the other past seasons too). What a beautiful adventure You have called us to, Lord. Joys and trials unimaginable, You show us who ...

Still spiteful. The kernel of bitterness, resentment and self-pity burst open this morning and I was one with the pouring rain. I felt like Orual, holding that small, tattered book filled with complaints. Is that how laments actually feel like? Such deep measure of grief tore through me that the loud sounds proceeding forth were so strange, yet that was my real voice. Are we not one, made to live in harmony? I have already forgotten what it was like when the family was truly four. A gentle answer turns away wrath, as the proverb goes. Not much of that from me. The grief was poisoned till the torrents cleared away the layers hiding the resentment I guess. Still hard to love. Almost like I don't know how to, for him anymore. Oh, Brother. Why can't you be like other brothers? I want to love you, Brother. You know we love you, Brother.

Over breakfast with Dad, I got angry thinking about 大伯. There is still much unforgiveness and disdain for me I know it. On Saturday at the crematorium I was really trying hard to look at him full-on because I found that it was so hard to look at him with love. So, I want to dispel any notions of romanticism in love within me. I still have this fuzzy-warm notions; which are not entirely unrealistic but they are sweet interruptions in the long journey of loving rather than love's characteristic. The very same Kang that discussed and affirmed that it is the church who extends scandalous grace to peoples that society will not and cannot care for, cannot have this thin definition of love. 不是讨人爱的才爱，爱是在那所谓不值得爱的最赤热. Perhaps for the love-er, this is a hard-won love. Further, it is not from ourselves, like we have this lov...

Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me.  Like, what you looking at, huh?   "I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park) " But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan) So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.) Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself.  But anyw...

山雨欲来，暴风卷起， 到时还要敬拜。  心有点盼望又害怕的感觉。不知即将要走在怎样的道路，是高山或低谷。  也许会有因一波未平，一波又起的疲惫。到时还要歌颂。  今天看到叔叔关于清明节的短信，刹然想到的。 好了，隐隐的悲哀到此为止。我在这段时间里是充满喜乐和蒙到神恩典的。  呵呵年糕 <3 从荣耀堂回到家，厨房里是一盘的芋头炸年糕。近期来和家人有不少灿烂的时光。在校园里又有能祝福同学的机会，这个学期有了不少让我喜悦的友谊。还有！即将又要走在异国土上了。好兴奋，可以与知心友去越南，而也盼望能自己在香港去过的咖啡厅回首，祷告，阅读。 “你要保守你的心，胜过保守一切，因为一生的果效是由心发出。“      箴言4：33 也知道，会有不少诱惑。Treacherous heart apt to wander, let me not be caught in empty dreams. Both figuratively and literally. I had such a vivid dream that I could feel the hands' warmth even. 梦醒时，都不知道要怎么去理解。

I knew I had an asshole side of me but I'd almost forgotten until today. So nicely suppressed. In a sense I am thankful for that because it reminds me that 我是人。是肉体的人，同时也是神的子女。 And while I am grateful for whatever life experiences and personal dispositions that I have, which made me who I am- a quick thinker who grasps things quite fast, analytical (?), able to look at macro stuff- I also know this has made me impatient, prideful, inclined to bash my way through things I don't quite know because I can't stand being meticulous about going through step-by-step (ref SPSS). Legit ashamed of myself at project work today, impatient, silently judging my group mates (such an asshole right). Seriously, I need to learn more patience in order to build people up, to work together to get good things going, to love. Love is patient indeed. It has been a long day.Woke up somehow at 5.48am, decided to do a truncated QT for more time to look at my data. Very notably, it was Psalm 1...

It was just 30 cents but I was so proud to be my Daddy's daughter <3 The girl in front of us was going to not buy the bananas because she didn't have enough money, so my Dad topped up for her :') Just today I was thinking about how my parents have brought us up to be so socially conscious- my mum and I laughed at this bawling kid yesterday, and she shared that we have never made a scene in public like this because there will be severe repercussions. That's right I approve, give no chance. That's why I'm among the stricter teachers in Sunday School. At the same time I thought: Then the experience of grace has worn away the accumulated layers of 恥 ( haji /shame).  Various disparate thoughts. No point trying to weave a common narrative thread. I love how I can still be a kid in my parents' eyes, even as I share some of the family burdens as a young adult now. Sometimes I will just call my mum/dad for no reason, I can still playfully fistbump my dad...

It is actually raining right now, and I reluctantly close my windows to stop the rain from wetting the matte floor. Nyanian hujan betul-betul menarik hati irama, hujan di lantai konkrit menangkanku. 终于听见下雨的声音，于是我的世界被吵醒 Reminds me of my first love, how I am seeking to let my perspective be changed to mirror God's- and it's a kind of awakening, to a far better, rain-washed world. Mercy drops round me are falling, but for the showers we plead. This genius knows that love causes someone begin to take on the loved's lens. 窗台上滴落的雨滴，轻敲着伤心，凄美而动听 (this line is so beautiful look at the nuances and metaphorisation in the Chinese language and culture) Brings me back to yesterday's Diversity Symposium :') Much feels 好感动 sangat terharu. Being in front of everyone was initially quite D: but after I got over being self-conscious (the blazer and choker and looking good helped alot, superficial I know) I really enjoyed looking at these people there. Taking notes, listening int...

正有点不开心地折这些卡片， 我的阿爸走进我的房间。  手拿着药膏弯着腰，  说：你的脚怎么这样  要擦这个。  我说：用了 菱锌矿  阿爸说没用的是擦这个。  手指就把白白的膏涂在红红的蚊子叮上 脚伸出时想到了耶稣洗使徒的脚。  过后折的卡片，  一张张成为我给同学的祝福。    

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,  because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18 This verse was shared on two occasions today and I was reminded of how I had trouble believing in the first part of the verse. Indeed, a leaky vessel was I, receiving love because God is love but not being made perfect in love. To be wholly in that loving obedience to the Father as Jesus Christ is. Was fighting back the urge to weep when we sang It is Our Father's World just now, after we prayed for Gambia, for USA, for the nations and people groups on our hearts. It is Your world, Abba, which You are reconciling to Yourself. In that place, I read Romans 8:15-39 aloud. And I prayed, for a different kind of prayer to sound from this place. In trust shall I pray, and where words may fail me 'the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will'. It has been a blessed day.

I'm not even offended, just th ink that Dr Chiu is so cute Aku betul-betul tak suka membincang hubungan dengan lelaki aye. Tapi mesti menghadapi di musim ini aku menyedari. Aku betul-betul menikmati bercakap dengan senior aku tapi tak mahu give the wrong idea. Aye, kenapa sangat rumit? Aku rasa mahu memberitahunya yang jelas tapi tak tahu bagaimana.  "Pepper conversations with 'friend' liberally" (Hahahah this is almost-sad funny) Aku masih percaya semua perkara untuk baik kami yang kekasih Tuhannya. Menggunakan ini untuk keagungannya, Abba. You hold all things together.  Tambahan, aku menyedari aku betul-betul suka Pi. Tak tahu rasanya tapi aku tak bimbang. Kerana dia yang berlari bangsa ini dengan aku. It will come to pass if it will  Sekarang, aku berlari rasa gembira. (used dictionary too many times sighpie I'm gonna have a hard time in class next semester) Perubahan: Aku sangat tak suka ignore kawan aku, tapi seperti mesti, to draw ...

A realisation again as I was in the prayer meeting: I am constantly in that state of not being sure whether God will save. This posture of seeing that God can not extend salvation to people. Because as I was praying for the new students the fact that it is only God who saves was so evident. What can I say? This is my God. The sovereign God. He is mighty to save, His love endures forever, and He is good. At the same time, there are people whose hearts He hardens. There are times when He is not present, His hand too short to save. There are times when His presence is withdrawn from His people. But God, I know you. I know that you love us- the scarlet thread of love woven throughout the Bible. Whether he knows or not does not matter. What matters is that I guard my heart and he also guards his.  Wrote this in Mongolia this June. Two more weeks before the end of my second last semester, so in a reflective mood. And also bcos I left the house in haste this morn and forgot to b...

It's 12.41am, and I am strangely awake. It's been a long day, starting with meeting the Utown peeps (and free breakfast yay!) at 8.30am which meant I had to wake up at 6. I realised I have been subconsciously thinking about this in recent months, but the words for it came only today when I was thinking about the Science and Engin peeps. Especially Science.They are going to provide refreshments for our first Fellowship Teaching- which is going to be about 100 people. And my first thought was: the chairs, especially J, are already so busy, why are they doing this? And so the conclusion: Love compels us to do things that do not make sense. To most of the world at least. An interesting thought presented by a speaker on Galatians 5:22, and shared to me by a friend. The original manuscripts were in Greek, which had no punctuation. So he thinks that instead of the current English translation, the original version renders: But the fruit of the Spirit is love: joy, peace, patien...