chronicles of young

 Coming back to CoY (288 posts over about 15 years!), I just realised that this platform has taken me through my pimply adolescence through to arrive at adulthood. Where there is a growing realisation and acceptance that life is probably always gonna be tough and God has meant for that on this side of heaven.  I feel now though, an immense gratitude at how life turned out for me. Though the Author's pen is continuing to write the narrative, the chapters that have unfolded so far and how the story is (seems to be) going has me looking forward to the future.  My cup has the verse: "She looks forward to the future with joy." (Proverbs 31:25) The verse comes from the well-known passage on the "virtuous wife", but is more about the beauty of Wisdom.  I'm reflecting on a nudge to welcome another one to live in our home. That as I have called it Meno, to abide , as a vision for our home, that those who need nurturing and to be fed by God can come. It challenges my ...

 "His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man. but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love."  Psalm 147: 10-11 Was sitting and mulling, mostly trying to be conscious of God's presence. And I landed on Psalm 147 which begins with praise. A reminder to choose praise.  And this was the part that prodded me gently, with me feeling like God is so so holy and yet He prods me gently in my helpless state. I have been oppressed by the thoughts in my mind and the expectations absorbed from the world and nurtured (yes, nurtured) within myself.  It shows up in the quiet pride that I always shut down but as I take some time to mull on it, I know that it comes from my idea of winning in life. As if life is a race to be won. It shows up in my simmering anxiety that threatens to boil over at a frequency that I find too much. I would love to be truly free and alive in You, Lord.  And so, as...

Actually I'm just like what the shit... allow me to rant for awhile and let out the negativity.  Was gonna post an IG story on Close Friends but realised I didn't really want to talk about stuff should anyone reply so putting it here for an almost-imaginary or future audience (hopefully me in the future feeling much better). I really have not 释怀 and believe me, I've tried. Daily, many times a day, especially after talking with boss.  Last month I was on the track of I will just buckle down and finish my KRAs, and for awhile it worked but how long can I suppress my emotions especially when gaslighting continues right. I can deal with what I see as illogical tasks but added on with gaslighting?! SCREW YOUUUU SCREW YOUUU I tried to use the questions of what is good, true and beautiful to focus myself on the positive... seriously some days I feel so weary trying to make the best and see the best in this place. It feels so unproductive needing to manage my emotions and negative ...

 Logging in a tangible realisation of prayer tonight after I got back from the Geylang Ministry dinner.  God, You have been so faithful and kind to me.. I want to remember what a privilege it is to serve You together with my brothers and sisters that You have called into one family.  I had a prayer when I was in HK and I see now that it was a subconscious thing I was looking for- to work in an area where the marginalised are reached within a community. I kind of had that in HK but here in GM, I felt so cared for even as I served. Really inspired by Debbie and Kelvin's heart, and the various others whom I felt safe with even though I just met them for the first time. Somehow there is that camaraderie with these people who chose to commit their time and energy to reaching Geylang.  There will be struggle and even disillusionment, but Lord, I pray that I will remember this. Even to carry this spirit of love and service similarly if I am in that sphere of influence....

into this thing called married life.  I wonder how I am gonna maintain general hygiene, do well at work, keep in touch with friends, visit family regularly (4 parents now.. quite terrible but I'm kinda thankful I don't have another set of grandparents), have quiet reflective time with God, keep up with ministry stuffs, and be intentional about God's calling for me in missions.  The last bit is the one that I feel more strongly in recent times while the skeptical side of me says its just because its Mission month in church. But I've always known since I became a Christian that I am moved to see people from least reached peoples come to know Christ, I just don't know how this translates to action. Especially now that I feel more keenly that I am not my own- yet may that remind me of a higher calling: "You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (1 Cor 6:19b-20); and "I am under obligation both to Greeks and to b...

短短5分钟，要感谢的人太多了 I'm between you and lunch so I'll keep it fast. 阿爸阿妈，做你们的孩子，我很喜欢 在婆婆家和哥哥表姐弟妹长大也和喜欢 小时牵过的手， 如今老了  手上的皱纹深深浅浅  那是岁月的痕迹  却依然温暖如初   诗人写的，我中文没那么流利---  adapted from《父亲的手》 by Bei Dao (北岛) My new parents, thank you for welcoming me into your home my new brothers, for your background support through the years My spiritual family 属灵的家庭 now spread across at least two cities, and more in the future Thank you, thank you for all gathering here and online today Young and older Friends who have known me for close a decade or more, Amazing how we kept in touch despite what life had in store Meninas bonitas we finally reunite! and 隔岸的 dai lou Thank you for the thousand miles or more in our friendship Year 1 serious awkward me  Was blessed with warm-hearted funny weird peeps 社工系的 VCF 的， 大 4 Exco and Honours class 一起努力 Was one of the best times of my life  Coming close, the Lakeside youth team So many unglam photos with and of you people Blessed that work th...

I, xxx, take you, xxx to be my husband, to have and to hold,  from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health,  to love and to cherish, till death do us part.  This is my solemn vow. This is the first public vow before God and man since my baptism. Then, it was me and God. Now, its me with my to-be husband. To be husbanded, and to be a wife... As I think on these words and I can't help thinking how things can and have gone terribly wrong with us and in families all over, I wonder at the fact that we are getting married.  And yet. We are. By God's grace, we are. I am thankful that we are :) To walk through life with this person and know he's got your back, even knows you better than yourself at times. To be cared for and cherished, and have someone to care for too. Last but not least, walking this life on earth with its rough-and-tumble with a lighter step.  and with all that I am, and all that I have, I will honour...

 Saturday. Day 2 of the second quarter in 2024.  On Leap Day I had a thought- Is my life inspiring to the young ones looking at me as an example of adulting, i.e. living out life on this side of heaven? Do I inspire through my hope and zest for life- to pass the baton of light I'd received from the generation of believers before me? I wonder.  Every so often I am struck with a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction at how my life is panning out. In the sense of wondering if I have been doing what I am supposed to do. (There is no resolution in this post by the way, unless I arrive at one while typing) After kind of waffling my time away on IG story- there's something that tells me to STOP yet something in me kept scrolling, not wanting to face whatever feelings I am in right now- I finally turned on my laptop to work on a new journal article.  Perhaps I am burnt out? From facing my research after a good dang 4 years.. with the end being so terribly drawn out. At...

  This hymn brought tears to my eyes as we sang it in church this morning... The plaintive tune and lyrics brought to mind the many Christians waiting, seeking, praying (or faint from praying), for peace and justice for themselves and their homeland. Sigh.. Come Lord Jesus.  There are no words, just sighs and groans at the horrors I read/know a fraction of in the news and on social media.  As I read about ("yet another") natural disaster- "worst flood in a century in Somalia", the death toll, the reason (El Nino)- my heart naturally 'seizes up' a bit to shore myself from getting too affected. Yet Lord, yet Kang, aren't each 1 behind the number that added to the death toll and the people displaced from their homes, an eternal soul? It is all too easy to get hypocritical and think to myself: "I care quite a bit already". Thank You Spirit for putting in my heart this thought: We in Singapore may feel protected from all these, but its not if but wh...

Inspired by watching Tam Wai Jia's reels- honestly really inspired and also a little envious. Kind of like 'having it all', but I know I am just focusing on the processed pieces that she shared and not the sufferings/trials she had been through to arrive at these pieces. The truth is, God has also given me pearls that are used to bless others and glorify Him through my life experiences. I felt a quiet welling of tears when I took in the reels about how she processed with her children. And her reminding that if we didn't have this safe emotional space as a kid, we can heal and change the pattern 💛 Providentially, I had also been thinking about my inner child since an IG post about it .   So even though its work hours, I want to give myself the time and space to write things down to process. Knowing that I have mostly followed the pattern of pushing past my emotions to achieve goals, after which I may lose passion or sight of what I really want. (Thinking back on my...

Uninhibited bitching about my internal examiners especially the chair lol. Idk if this is gonna make me feel better and I also want to qualify that I do see validity in their points (some of them). Yesterday I made a memo about seeing their comments as invaluable in improving my work and that I can use them to grow professionally in how to take feedback constructively... But today I am feeling indignant again as I try to work on their comments.  Ask me how I feel after the viva, I feel disappointment, weariness, even shame. These feelings were all masked by my tiredness from not having enough physical rest, and also the positive aspect that was well-meaningly emphasised.  But gosh. Thinking back about how the two internal examiners reacted to my responses to their incessant drilling made me feel so shameful and unworthy, and now I feel very angry toward them. Especially when I try to work on their comments, and I feel like HELLO I have already put some of these points down, di...

 I called the phase of my life after undergrad was officially over and before I officially started work, The Last Summer. It was, and still is, one of the best times of my life. Facebook has been reminding me through photos from 6 years ago.  6 years on... its this in-between period again. Similarities, but HUGE differences. It isn't the same when you are adulting. Yet at the core of it, I guess things stay the same, even though there are things the world tells me like I need to think about my career development etc.  1. My values stay the same- Fixing my eyes on Christ, imperfectly, but always finding it back to His guiding light 2. My dreams are still important and valid- haha actually this is what prompted me to post here after so long- I really love this song lyrics and the story behind it. The self-doubt, the denial, the tussle within yourself, and the breakthrough to find actualisation.  3. Learning, learning about navigating and cultivating relationships, both...

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II...

 hello darkness, you are not my friend there is some comfort in knowing, i am not exceptional. i don't want to be exceptional right now, i longingly look at another's life,  and wish it were mine.  maybe i will be happy just doing a waitressing job? or any other job that isn't so demanding. but the depths of darkness whisper: you are just not strong to tahan. there is some comfort in knowing, my temptations are common to man, many are the days we long wishfully, to be at one with our beds. hello darkness, you are not my friend. hello darkness, you tell me that i am but man

More reflections in the face of looming deadline (15 Aug, and actually I can plead 1 week extension or not submit the 'best', will get to that later on) + fast BPM and tense shoulders, locked left jaw signaling anxiety. I feel sorry to my body- "Thank you for sticking in it through in there"- I hope my body receives this. Feels a bit like bad time management to be writing this in the face of work- but I know it works, and I lean into the part of me that sees that my 'success' thus far has been to do what might seem counter-intuitive. On top of the emotional turbulence from the conflict and consequent perception of relationship fall-out that I am trying to calm (not too badly), yesterday I had to meet with a young child in emotional distress. Asking God why lol, does He really think I have the capacity to deal with all these? I will have the eventual victory; He is sovereign through it all- waiting on this. He was crying so hard, the fight for connection I felt...

 I realised I felt sad through the praise offering songs- the poignant lyrics made me cry. Yearning for the day without strife and striving amidst this world of evil and sin- crying on the stories shared yesterday, crying on how we fought over what is supposedly (and is, I guess) a good thing of serving others. Perhaps more crying on the dis-shalom that is our task, and yet the helplessness we have in our own puny strength and weak natures.  "God, I need strength to sing a new song"- halfway through singing my voice trailed off- I felt so weak to sing a fresh praise and trust into the situation, believing that God is truly working all things for good and that hope will be realized. After this phase of realising I felt sad, moved on to anger (haha musing whether this is stage-wise thing like grief). I feel angry! Angry thoughts about the situation and maybe at myself for "not being able to say certain things to rebutt" in that instance. Seems like the inner adult is ...

 Today is Easter Saturday- the in-between that reminds us Christians that we are living in a world where the glorious Light and Living Hope has dawned, but that it is still Not- Yet though not far.  I attended a memorial service of a dear sister's aunt this afternoon. I only have vague memories of her from attending IBC services in 2015, and last week I was quite emotionally vulnerable from the brokenness already that I dreaded to attend. But thank God, by Tues I submitted my conference paper and it just made everything better- plus past few days of connecting with different friends.  Anyway, I cried quite a bit- I really could see the legacy of Aunty through my friend and their family. Their family had always been such hospitable people to me and others in the church, and my friend had always been this sweet presence. Learning how Aunty had sown into their lives made me think: Wow, would people say this of me at my funeral next time? The testimony of her legacy was reall...

 Realised I haven't posted here for awhile. I'm still writing though. And even video-journalling, though that was quite weird and my phone didn't have enough space haha. Where I am now: Sitting at V's desk, looking out at the rain, listening to BeigeMellow playlist. Feet very cold even with knitted socks. Warm oolong tea never felt soul good. Looking at the poloroid of bobear and me, taken 5 Dec 2020 in Chinatown, after we patched up after a(nother) conflict. Thinks to self: We have grown. I have grown. I put that above image as my laptop wallpaper to really ground myself with the fact that God is here. I look at the paintings and am reminded of different things: 1. HK's tumultous events since 2019, still unfolding now as I experience it also 2. God's sovereign hand still in this, though these things are too great for my heart to comprehend or hold. I shall be humble and pray. 3. Abba Father's blessings through the years- the right painting a glorious remini...

 "As you read this, I hope you will understand that when I speak of the long night that preceded these days of my happiness, I do not remember grief and loneliness as much as I do peace and comfort -- grief, but never without comfort; loneliness, but never without peace. Almost never."       --- Marilynne Robinson in Gilead Trigger warning: Talk about world events beyond individual control. Skip to after photo if it might be too much :> *** As I begin to write, I am wondering if it is the case that the world just got so much more strife and violence, or that I have merely just 'grown up' to care more and feel more responsible now that I have so much more resources at my disposal compared to when I was a child?  The crises in Yemen and South Sudan which feel like they have become an accepted normal... to the military coup in Myanmar, and now the Taleban takeover in Afghanistan. Instagram is an incongruent source of news, because I follow climate/environme...

 Writing this down as an act of expression and laying these down... "that I may rest all my days, in the goodness of Jesus".  In the past 2.5 days that I am out of my quarantine, in all honesty there has been more uncomfortable/negative feelings than happy ones. Do I feel happy to be back with family? Not really. I got a scary nightmare about brother hurting me in my last night at the hotel. Another more negative dream just now- involving family (brother) again, but also insecurity (Do I see her as a love rival? Or is it more about feeling ashamed at myself based on what I project she thinks about me? More of the latter I think). But in any case, I feel more stressed and tensed in the bedroom where I grew up lol. It made me miss my space and my time back in HK... which in itself is quite disturbing because I am supposed to belong here.. where do I belong then? I definitely am not a Hong Konger as felt through daily interactions, I guess I feel more comfy with my PhD mates but...