Let the deep rooting give me repose

 "His delight is not in the strength of the horse, nor his pleasure in the legs of a man.

but the LORD takes pleasure in those who fear him, in those who hope in his steadfast love." 

Psalm 147: 10-11

Was sitting and mulling, mostly trying to be conscious of God's presence. And I landed on Psalm 147 which begins with praise. A reminder to choose praise. 

And this was the part that prodded me gently, with me feeling like God is so so holy and yet He prods me gently in my helpless state. I have been oppressed by the thoughts in my mind and the expectations absorbed from the world and nurtured (yes, nurtured) within myself. 

It shows up in the quiet pride that I always shut down but as I take some time to mull on it, I know that it comes from my idea of winning in life. As if life is a race to be won. It shows up in my simmering anxiety that threatens to boil over at a frequency that I find too much. I would love to be truly free and alive in You, Lord. 

And so, as I sat with the ancient words that You are still speaking to us today, in a special tender way, I'm moved by how You care for me. I do well to remember and cling to this in my inner being, that the weeds of striving anxiety have nowhere to grow. 

I've been thinking so much about the timebanking project as I really want it to succeed and show something for myself. Yet today I get to ask myself: "Why am I doing it?" And I'm thankful to find my way back to the core of it, almost hidden beneath the striving and needing to control the outcomes - it's about shalom isn't it? 

Kang Li, your heart is mostly good. You desire good things for others and the world around because you have Jesus in you, moving to yearn for the shalom. And you can discern this and be moved by this still, amidst the bustle of life. Your strength to cultivate this lies not in striving, but in sinking deep into His steadfast love. 

If there is nothing to show, let the deep rooting give me repose.