chronicles of young

I remember how much I liked this phrase when we first learnt it in Chinese class. Then in university I learnt the more technical term of cognitive dissonance . And 矛盾 grew larger to occupy permanent brain space. It has always been there as a part of me; I might just have been real comfortable in my own world with its safe goodness in community work and Christian friends. It struck me today: Have I become someone so different? I'm not sure. This uncertainty is telling too. I wish I could be stronger yet I wish it wouldn't have to be so hard. 对与错黑与白，似乎还存在。不过好像是在无情感的空间。安慰自己，深有感触的心活出更微妙的色彩。 还是矛盾。觉得累但是不可以这么容易累但是我真的好想就让河流带着我走。

Funny how one of the most defining ways I conceptualise myself was concretised by a question posed while I was waiting groggily for a flight in Beijing airport. "Kang is like a cat. The sociable kind who seeks company but happy wandering alone too. Grounded by soul-refreshing relationships with God and friends, she is not afraid to do things (most of the time).  Don't fully know what is inside (not fish) but Kang knows that she is Kang as cats know that they can just be cats and not dogs though people compare the two." Now Cat is restless, seeking company. From a specific person. And it kinda sucks because at a deeper level that takes x 10000 more effort to summon, she knows that it is not him she seeks but something else. That temptation is almost too hard to bear. Almost. "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also pro...

"If we ask God for greater wisdom and discernment, what should we expect to receive? A steady stream of mind-bending, confusing answers that are difficult to understand and work through because our powers of discernment are trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil ( Hebrews 5:14 )." Jon Bloom, The Unexpected Answers of God  I even need to ask God for strength to dare to continue asking for this wisdom. 

Somewhere in the Bayan-Ulgii aimag, Mongolia And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time When the last of earth left to discover Is that which was the beginning; At the source of the longest river The voice of the hidden waterfall And the children in the apple-tree Chaozhou: Phoenix Mountain From T.S. Eliot's Little Gidding.  And at the end of this leg of exploration is to give a better answer to 'Who am I ?' 

How am I different now from the Kang in Singapore? Fresh from the trip of a lifetime in Mongolia and intentionally being still and think this chilly Sunday, I might have an answer. That is to laugh.  To let myself laugh, in spite of everything that has happen, is happening and will happen.  Was generally a serious kid and then I got into social work which I love. But guess because of this tender heart, the judging area of my frontal lobe worked harder while my jovial side of the brain was intentionally unstimulated. A model I'd emulate is the leadership in Island Baptist Church. There are pressing ministry needs, trouble, and perplexity. Yet each Sunday in church I was sure to have a few good laughs- they could find always find something to laugh at. To laugh at myself. Simple as that. To laugh unabashedly. Guess I am hesitant to really laugh because it is an open expression which makes me feel vulnerable sometimes. But I observed that this true laugh...

It's been a filled week- and now winding down, preparing for Sunday, I am in a contemplative mood. Against the strains of Coldplay I pause and have no words to describe my experience. Ah wait I have- existential psychology. My Mitwelt and Eigenwelt - interrelationships and my relationship with myself- seems to be coming together in a more congruent way. I realised something in myself which affects how I relate to people and vice versa, but the links are not clear yet: Shame A memory often revisited and pondered over: I was wearing a thick jumper (probably ugly), holding my Mum's hand as we walked to kindergarten where I would be brought to Snow City later on. I can hear. A child can hear "Why is she wearing such thick clothes in such a hot weather?" I don't know why this memory is associated with shame for me. I know that I feel shame for myself and my parents. Coming to awareness of this and acknowledging this shame has really helped me to be more ...

Think my first week here has been defined by buses. Starting with 970X which landed me at the picturesque West Kowloon Waterfront Promenade when kiasu me intended to head to school the day I touched down to register.  After that it was a string of mini buses, cross-harbour buses, city buses that I hopped on and off without thinking too much until I realised how expensive they were :o  970 is my favorite bus so far. Brings me to school and back, brings me to Inner City Ministries, comes pretty fast. I had a good time with the ICM staff and the Nepalese children yesterday. Would have been better my nose weren't running and head wasn't so leaden that I was almost impatient with those boisterous kids. So thankful to see 'real-action'. I guess every ministry, from prayer to running Sunday School for Christian kids to engaging a marginalised community is real action.  Whether its the naughty Doldo at Kids' Club or the shy Ruth at Sunday School, the change i...