矛盾

I remember how much I liked this phrase when we first learnt it in Chinese class. Then in university I learnt the more technical term of cognitive dissonance. And 矛盾 grew larger to occupy permanent brain space. It has always been there as a part of me; I might just have been real comfortable in my own world with its safe goodness in community work and Christian friends.

It struck me today: Have I become someone so different? I'm not sure. This uncertainty is telling too.

I wish I could be stronger yet I wish it wouldn't have to be so hard.

对与错黑与白，似乎还存在。不过好像是在无情感的空间。安慰自己，深有感触的心活出更微妙的色彩。

还是矛盾。觉得累但是不可以这么容易累但是我真的好想就让河流带着我走。