A Rant

The PhD feels so hard and lonely, especially today. I think the aloneness is already something always in the background, when obviously other friends have their own colleagues for support and workplace huddles. Ironically COVID made things a bit better; there is the new normal of WFH which allowed for some shared experience with friends. And now I at least have a warm person that I can talk to face to face during the work day. 

I really don't know if it was my lonesome personality that got me just going into this PhD in the first place. Okay I guess I am feeling exclusively, majorly sorry for myself. I feel pretty bad and frustrated to be doing this but well this is where I am. Its almost gonna be 2 years since I started. Will I end up also just being used to working by myself and be a difficult person to work with next time. Or worse am I gonna end up in a place where I will continue working by myself...

I'm not thinking about giving up but it just feels so hard. It makes me wonder if the desire for connection is wrong, or too much. Guess I take comfort in others who have similarly longed for that, like Henri Nouwen. I feel sad and yet I feel bad about being sad because this is my choice and I need to take responsibility. 

I sometimes feel like I am put here all alone, God.. The hope is a muted voice, but it is there. I want to stay here and enjoy this time.. and I do have these in recent times, blessed happy times. Trusting that it is all for good.

Update:

Texted asking for prayer and shared about how lonesome I felt today, both to friends from SG and HK. Haha I intentionally texted 2 each, even though I was a bit hesitant about a HK sister. Am thankful much for the empathy and care, especially to be invited for dinner this Sat :)

Truly hospitality is one way that we can experience a way out for our temptations to sin. 

Also, got a lovely huge bouquet from b0bear. Hugging it made me smile. Though one immediate thought was like I don't deserve it, I shall accept myself in grace and love.. may I love better