chronicles of young

"Hevel, hevel, everything is utterly hevel" - book of Ecclesiastes Hevel is a Hebrew word which refers to vapor or smoke, rendering it in this context the dual meanings of ephemeral and a mystery/paradox. Questioning the meaninglessness of things, yet wanting 'real purpose' for my life, I went to the book of Ecclesiastes. The above has been in Draft mode since early December 2019, and now it is 2020. With much trepidation and an unusual amount of dread, I face the future of 2020. I guess that is made worse by the slew of Instagram posts welcoming 2020 but that is a separate issue about social comparison. Yet today's meetup with the Exco girls though filled with pregnant silences at times when we sit (I think) in our own musings about our lives, was soul-strengthening in a way, and I am reminded of the beauty of fellowship- grace that holds me fast 'amidst life's fearful path'. I am grateful for vision to be lifted, for validation in a way. Tha...

Stand with HK is something that has been stuck with me in the past few months here. Not in the same meaning that has been used by the protesters, but rather my own making sense of what is happening here to a beloved city I would even call my second home. Today as I was heading back (early before the bloody clash by yet another providence, otherwise I feel like it would be too much to bear in this time), there were armed policemen at Kowloon Tong MTR. Seeing them was enough to make me feel very tense and troubled- something was going to happen. Perhaps I am weak (that is what maybe Satan dupes me to believe), so I may try to reason within myself that it is okay, I haven't seen the most violent and inhuman of things. Going back to Stand with HK , in my stronger moments and at the end of those desperate-despairing 'Maybe I should go home' , I feel like bearing witness to this, caring about the people and the city, is what I can do. Actually I can do nothing. The comple...

Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :> As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset. What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process. I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God. Well, 1 month into thi...

Gamut of feelings. It is quite mysteriously interesting that almost every time I change to a new journal book, it marks another season. Or could it be my mind instinctively marking the seasons as the pages come to an end? Either way, with reflections from the weekend of GRIT camp and other stuffs, I filled up the last page of the book I bought at a hipster bookstore in Xia Men during my 'Last Summer' in 2017. This 'Last Summer' was a series of post-graduation travels before I started what I thought will be a long long season of being a ground social worker. The 2017 social worker that I was had no great dreams, just to survive in the emotionally draining work and do good to the people I served. Fear was what held back all those idealistic thoughts (wouldn't really call them dreams I guess) of social enterprise, community work, research. Shortly afterwards, it was the seemingly inane and objectively busy work that kept these safely in the realm of good thoughts. ...

神的儿女要唱一首新歌，我们神要做新事 旧的事都已经过去，在基督里一切都要更新 新的眼界 新的異象，新的故事 新的方向 (Give Us Vision, SOP 2015) 1. Beginning from the latest 'new' thing (or rather one) | I do remember a time in 2018 where I was almost in the depths of despair as I realised that I have not been known fully and I doubted if there was anyone who would know me fully and truly accept me. Recalling my reflections on being human after Anntic 2016, this struggle to be known/making myself known has been a rooted one.  I guess one of the most beautiful, gospel-proclaiming joy of being a together-er, +1, half in a relationship that is more than ourselves is this- to be fully known and to be fully accepted. Of course, my reflexive self is aware that I might well be suffering from the age-old 'love is blind' illness. But that is not really true because there has been uncomfortable reflections and disclosures that show me (us) that these old ways need to be given up. And still, the acceptance (intentional...

Watched this Mexican film yesterday and the different layers enfolded made for much musing (which is why usually after films like these I will be quiet for awhile to let thoughts form and settle; after which I can scoop them up again or let something stir them up). Today at the hospital with 奶奶 (except that I call her nai3 nai3, and not nai3 nai as in proper Mandarin), I caught her at a rare alert moment where she was in the present. It was bittersweet to be able to tell 奶奶 that it was dark because it rained, and be understood; yet also parroting the phrases spoken in Hainanese back at her because I really couldn't figure what she was saying.  Was reminded of Zikril in the film again- how the language represented a kind of power and alternate worldview, reflecting a beauty of human connection that the dominant lingua franca does not. I wonder how the Hainanese worldview is like- from my rudimentary vocabulary of phrases and watching nostalgic videos of Hainan, it appears to ...

Gonna probably read like some haphazardly written post haha what with seemingly disparate things making sense in my brain and me not bothering to process (read: clarify) too much because this is my space. But okay, CG sis prayed that we will ask God for direction first instead of deciding then pray that it will turn out well. And we just had a study on loving the church- and one main thing from that was to use our gifts to build up the church. Here goes- a frivolous song first (though I really like it! Singer, lyrics, poetic metaphors) Love U U　我像孤獨的漁夫 說不出　愛的溫度 很想給你幸福　你卻自我保護 轉彎處　只剩下潮汐之外的荒蕪 This is the first stanza from JJ Lin's Love UU. Obviously this is a sad love song, but its poetry render it even better than just sad- it connotes nostalgic, angst, confused feelings in that one stanza.  Take the last line- I think it means "At the end of all this, what is left is a pile of mess and hurt". But the song uses the metaphor of stormy tides, and it communicate...