chronicles of young

 Yeah. I am in a very angry place. And I cannot really see anything else in that place. I am oscillating through feelings of rage, grief, sadness, loneliness and just feeling like F all this shit.  If it was a non-Christian, I would have taken it in stride (I hope.. haha). As it is I think I feel really traumatised by this whole fiasco and I really don't want to meet with her but I need to. I guess this is all compounded when I am in a foreign land and I don't think I can talk to people who know both of us. On the other hand I keep wondering if I have been over-amplifying this and it is also quite wearisome. Okay, I think I need to be clear that at the heart of the issue she has, it is good. But she was really disagreeable and I felt like I wasn't even given the chance to share who I am or even just my thoughts on the matter. And that is what hurt the most, terribly badly. Did you even want to know me as a person?  I really don't know why this hurt so badly... its not l...

 It is so strange isn't it, I am the victim and the person who put that used condom in my bag is the one at fault, but it stirs up so many anxious thoughts about myself and second-guessing what actually happened because it is such a mystery as to how it got into my bag.  My first physical encounter with sexual trauma... but in this broken world as a female the response has a history of other traumas including vicarious ones shared with other females. I think again, in secular language we need male allies. But in God's design, we need males to be good stewards of their relationships with other females- mothers, lady friends, partners.  Particularly in the red light district. This is actually a euphemism for sexual exploitation. Of course me being pointed to by men to be engaged as a sex worker isn't 'wrong' per se. I was standing there with them. I think to myself, is this what it means to renounce myself and identify with them as Jesus did for us? It is still a (sma...

 (Haha post title inspired by my current favorite Kdrama- Guardian)  Its not 'because the weather was good enough' as I know what I am going to write is what I know to be true for me regardless of the weather. Its just that when the weather is bad (read: the sun's rays are obscured), I feel like things are more grey and the brightness in my heart grows dimmer. Perhaps this is really the limits- or rather more positively, stretching of my faith to hope, trust, love and rejoice in all circumstances.  Writing down some reflections/reminders recently, with much thanksgiving- God is giving me good gifts right now; all the time in all different seasons. Was comparing and thinking about 'what could be' recently which got me pretty emotional, and a  timely article on God's providence from C. really spoke to me. There are so many good gifts that I could list out when b0bear asked me what these were when I shared my reflections- well worth remembering on overcast days. B...

The PhD feels so hard and lonely, especially today. I think the aloneness is already something always in the background, when obviously other friends have their own colleagues for support and workplace huddles. Ironically COVID made things a bit better; there is the new normal of WFH which allowed for some shared experience with friends. And now I at least have a warm person that I can talk to face to face during the work day.  I really don't know if it was my lonesome personality that got me just going into this PhD in the first place. Okay I guess I am feeling exclusively, majorly sorry for myself. I feel pretty bad and frustrated to be doing this but well this is where I am. Its almost gonna be 2 years since I started. Will I end up also just being used to working by myself and be a difficult person to work with next time. Or worse am I gonna end up in a place where I will continue working by myself... I'm not thinking about giving up but it just feels so hard. It makes me w...

 Am I experiencing grief?  It is actually weird because one very big part is that, I don't feel like I know the person of 奶奶 very well. Maybe there is that sadness in there; I will never get to know her like I am knowing my 婆婆 now.  Also, I keep recalling how I really didn't like her at all for most part of my life. Whenever she stayed with us, we shared the same room. I wouldn't really like the smell and sometimes feel like she is a bit dirty. The great thing was, I was really scared of the spirits and ghosts when I was young. So having someone sleeping in the same room with me was a source of comfort.  But really, for the most part, I remember my brother and I even had quarrels over whose turn was it to sit next to 奶奶 at dinnertime. This might be fabricated memory; but I think 奶奶 also paid more attention to my brother as a male grandson. And the other male cousins as well. But well, this doesn't really matter now- she was also a product of her times.  There is...

I miss the sun, and its warmth.  I miss being able to catch you on short dates, even when we both are tired. So we can just eat and not talk, but we eventually end up talking anyway. I miss my bed, my bedroom where I have all my knick knacks and crafty things. And my plants- Spung, 乐乐, Zazzy, Christmas. Lying on the hotel bed just now, I thought: "Where do the tears go? Where do they flow?" Does crying over homesickness, loneliness, identifying with unnamed strangers out there, brokenness, end with something?  I cannot know in this world, but I know I shall in eternity... Perhaps for this reason, tears can flow freely. Otherwise, it is such a waste to be so tired and worn out crying alone. I might as well head home, stay home.  But I am here. I am here and.. I am just here. Will I stay, can I stay.. one step at a time. "Show me the way that I should go, for to you I lift up my soul... Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level gro...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...