Tonight EVERYTHING Shifted

Nursing a quarter cup of cold milk to calm my gnawing stomach and hopefully I will sleep better later. Doesn't help that my heart is palpitating from both the caffeine and what God has placed upon me tonight.

So. I have been elected into the 63rd Exco of NUS VCF, as Outreach Coordinator (OC). It is a position that is aligned to what I am passionate for and which I want VCF to grow more in. But all this is on hindsight.

I shall retrace back to when something imperceptibly shifted, and detail it so that I can look back (Hi future Kang reading this) and remember that which will start me on this cray journey that has already begun.

So I was praying for VCF AGM for sometime, fuzzy vague idea about who was being elected but just praying that the Exco will be united in love and grow the ministry. Yesterday as I was praying for AGM, I had this idea that I was going to be nominated as OC. My response was like Oh well, okay up to You God, while dismissing the thought because I am like a nobody in VCF. Besides, there were very practical considerations like how my family will take to me staying out late ALOT, and of course that the next semester will be a crazy semester with 3 core level 4000 modules. And also, I have things on my mind that I wanted to do. I was actually quite content for how I planned things to be- reaching out on my personal capacity to the friends whom I have been praying for, serving in Youth for Christ + Sunday School, continuing to spend time with family especially my granny and seeing how I can show Christ to them.

But then, this afternoon came the challenge/invitation: will you consider OC? I was at Subway having coffee that induced the said palpitations. Before that I passed, really really by God's grace, my basic theory test. WOOHOO it is really grace because I had just finished studying the book's contents this morning and the book was 2 editions old as I was too cheapskate and lazy to get the newest edition. After that, I waited 2.5h just to get that green slip of paper that was to be my Provisional Driving License. But you know, God is so very shrewd. Oops is that a negative connotation. But yes the wisdom of God is mind-boggling because even as I type I am linking what I did during that 2.5h to how he spoke to me.

I was alternating between reading Tolstoy's The Death of Ivan Ilyich and listening to my playlist. From Tolstoy I reflected on the meaning of life and death again- what is a good life and what is a good death? The protagonist had such a "pleasant and decent life", so respected in high society, but ultimately he realised that "everything he lived by, and he could clearly see that none of it was right, it was all a dreadful, huge deception, covering both life and death". So indeed, what was preserving my CAP? And all manner of having things within my control if God wants me to go further? 

And a song that struck me was Nothing I Hold Onto. The lyrics speak for themselves:
I lean not on my understanding, my life is in the hands of the maker of Heaven.
I give it all to you God, trusting that You'd make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open.
I give it all to you God, trusting that You'd make something beautiful out of me.

So back in Subway- I was like 'omgerd...' but it wasn't entirely a bolt in the clear sky. God You are super wise man. And there I kinda made up my mind as I am reminded of Isaiah 6:8- "Then I heard the voice of the Lord sayiing, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said "Here I am. Send me!"" (NIV)

During thanksgiving service also, as I was still wrestling with remaining doubts and the fear of practicalities, this verse which I haven't thought of for a long time popped into my head. I had spent this past semester in doubt, and in prayer also. Towards the end, I told God and I felt Him saying: Kang is ready now. To take on something; just feeling my way about exactly what.
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." (NIV)
He is working for us. He is working for us; and so can I have the trust that this is a great and sovereign God working for us? At that point, and now, there was peace :)

Now going back to wayyyy before this, back to my hostel in HK. I was praying about running for Vice President for Uni-Y, because under the Community Champions Programme which I was in I was technically obligated to run. But of course YZ said that it has to come from personal conviction. Somehow, I applied- I was Skype interviewed and I genuinely meant what I said about making changes to how volunteering is done in Uni-Y. Can't remember exactly what I said but yes I meant it- though serving in Uni-Y Exco was really so fuzzy with me free from obligations in HK. I was chosen. But I didn't have peace in my heart- something told me it was not right, so I rejected it. Perhaps tonight's election is part of the answer.

Honestly speaking, I have no idea how all these is going to work out. Right I was going to make a piechart for myself. 

I was feeling a little sad that I wouldn't be able to meet up with my friends as much as this semester and thinking will that mean that my friendships will be affected which is bad news for socially insecure me. But ultimately, I resolved to leave this to God. 
Well the piechart is not static (seeing how a whole new segment has just been added within 10 minutes tonight), just a reminder to not forget, especially family. It will definitely not be easy. I'm looking forward to the end already actually, where in my mind, in the next thanksgiving service at the end of the AY I will stand and sing praise for His faithfulness and grace.