chronicles of young

This blog post is prompted by a conversation I had last Friday with my dear friends. I guess I've kinda known this for some time now, but hearing it articulated and seeing it felt troubled me.  In worldly terms, I have excelled in university. Not only grades, but God has blessed me with various ministries which I find meaning and satisfaction in. I have never felt as congruent as I have my whole life to be studying social work and applying what I have learnt to meet the seen needs around me.  I don't know if this makes my friends feel lesser, but that they think highly of me I feel like there is a need to respond to that. And as I was reflecting I thought of an analogy so here goes:  I am like this cat. You won't think of cats as cuddly creatures. In fact they give a whiff of wanting their own personal space and wanting to be left alone.                                   ...

Another semester of school is ending soon, and as I reflect on this semester, the chorus of Written in the Stars (Westlife, not Tenie Tempah) rang so true: When I look at my life, how the pieces fall into place, it just wouldn't rhyme, without You At my very core, You satisfy me Lord. And You have taught me to truly delight in You and You only this semester. When I so desperately wanted friends, not to bless them but rather to have people to eat lunch with so I won't worry about eating lunch alone in school, to cafe hop with, to take nice pictures with, You did not give it to me. Instead, You showed me how self-centred I am. Then, when I told You, I must centre myself on You so please help me to- You gave me company when I needed it. I found that I was a better friend, and much more assured in the friendships I have. When I see how my path, seem to end up before Your face When I asked to be rooted deeper in church, You showed me that again, fellowship is God-centred:...

It went from- okay I will sit through this one hour- to this stirring of affections as I am called back to live by the Spirit, reminded that my groaning is a witness of my salvation. It ends off with the awesome promise to us as children of God- being heirs to all creation, the redeemed creation. Claiming God's promises is a struggle because I often doubt the very existence of God. 'How can you be sure, really sure, that you are not deluding yourself?' As Paul states: "If only for this life we have hope in Christ, we are to be pitied more than all men." (1 Corinthians 15:19, NIV) I cannot see, yet I hope. Perhaps the being sure of this hope is a lifelong process. #soulfood

My whole being cries out: Pain, Lord! Pain, stop! And  I weep afresh, uncontrollably, engulfed by a larger pain. I feel the pain in my brother's rage I am the persecuted in Iraq A mother who has lost her child And so I sob Welcoming the tears of release Yet feeling utterly desolate: There is no one to hear But God. And He is not enough right now. And what of those that know Him not? I cry again at this thought. O God, O Lord! Still, hope flickers. His voice whispers: One lone sheep to save The endless joyous story Amen

But I know I (am supposed to) have the joy and that I can shoot down the second point with a dozen declarations from God in the Bible.  Still... there always comes this time, when I start to doubt. Like now. Long-held fears and anxieties.  I'm boring, uncool, too serious to have fun with... No friends to really be with which makes me feel empty-sad. And always this sense of futility- what am I doing with my life?  To make things worse, my friends do not seem similarly afflicted. Okay, the chances are that people do feel the same way but we aren't connected so I still feel alone. How I have prayed for a confidant to know me, apart from God Himself! Yet perhaps for this very reason the answer is no/wait.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23, NLT God tells us that how we allow people to move our hearts will influence our entire life. Discern well for it is no small matter, He says. Found my heart stirred towards a really sweet-looking guy in camp. I don't know much about him but hearts don't really care about these things as we all know.  "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm." Song of Songs 8:6, NLT A relationship grounded in biblical principles speaks of permanence. Do I seek this permanence or is it a self-aggrandizing desire?  "His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband." 1 Corinthians 7:34, NLT The simple fact that is a constant s...

Adapted from the diary entry I made just now: Only this week did I truly (or perhaps not really) see how attractive I am. When I wore contacts, everyone was commenting how pretty I looked it made me feel kinda uncomfortable. I don't really like it when guys look at girls differently because they have a pretty face. Well I admit I'm guilty of that too.  God gave me those pretty eyes and that winning look for a reason. So I think it's also sin to hate what He has sovereignly blessed me with.Well she does make people (especially guys) open up to me faster in social work. But I'm still scared by how she can cause me or others to fall into sin. Guys taking too long a look, me looking too long at pictures of this earthly self, or feeling proud. Always before I pray earnestly (as earnest as my heart distracted by evil desires can) that I will glorify God and not sin against Him. Or cause others to sin against Him. It's a struggle to set my mind on things above...