Posts

Showing posts from 2017

海阔天空

Image
原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。

 真的。

 但是,里面还是搏斗着。
 “一个不平凡的人啊! 难得难得,要是你是男孩子就会比较理想。因为,女孩子会有一点点不方便。”

原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。 也会怕有一天会跌倒。

I attempt to twist my hands free from the firm grasp on my wrists- it hurt when I struggled. I never liked how I can't seem to be trusted to cross the traffic lights myself. 

My dress rode up a bit as I started to pedal the Obike. 他们一定骂我的。穿这样骑脚踏车!Yet there was a strange satisfaction in that act itself. 

Maybe that's why, I want to travel solo so badly.

原谅我这一生不羁放纵爱自由。

I really cannot help it.

//On brighter things: Watercolour inspired by the Amdo Tibetan print on the handmade Tibetan pouch - the seemingly lone flowers are linked together in a bigger tapestry.
Proverbs 3:19-20 before me while I painted: "By wisdom the LORD laid the earth's foundations, by understanding he set the heavens in place; by his knowledge the deeps were divided, and the clouds let drop the dew."

Hello, Jaded

Image
This should be for when I feel like I am not going anywhere, not making any difference, or not doing enough where I am in social work.

蜻蜓/pepatung/dragonfly
荷叶孤浮水面上,
带着莲花之盼望。
 水底海草蜻蜓迷,
 放纵自己去探索。

The most part of this month was grappling with wanting to be free.

Free to do what, and from what?

To do what I want, both in social justice and interfaith work and what-not to change the world, and more frivolous stuff like going where I want when I want (i.e. alone).

To be free from being bound to imperfect systems- in my mind operationalised as getting told what to do regardless of whether I choose to or not. (But the root of it is, I realise, I hate getting told what to do especially when I feel like it constrains the create-tive use of my time)

Are you truly free? 
For what seemed like a long struggle, I didn't want to accept that in many senses, I am not free to do as I please. Resentment would be riled up when I perceived that my time was given where I didn't want to. Angry at ho…

Dixit Insipiens

Still spiteful. The kernel of bitterness, resentment and self-pity burst open this morning and I was one with the pouring rain. I felt like Orual, holding that small, tattered book filled with complaints.

Is that how laments actually feel like? Such deep measure of grief tore through me that the loud sounds proceeding forth were so strange, yet that was my real voice.

Are we not one, made to live in harmony? I have already forgotten what it was like when the family was truly four. A gentle answer turns away wrath, as the proverb goes. Not much of that from me. The grief was poisoned till the torrents cleared away the layers hiding the resentment I guess.

Still hard to love. Almost like I don't know how to, for him anymore. Oh, Brother. Why can't you be like other brothers? I want to love you, Brother. You know we love you, Brother.



Till We Have Faces

And soon did I set out to procure the book, and now I have finished it.

It does feel like a few grand themes in my life are coming together- all of a sudden at times, and then so slow it makes me jumpy the other. I know it is a dangerous thing to say, especially regarding that which I hold cherished. And so with veiled words and a weak attempt at eloquence:

Pi, you have guessed it,
A mystery known and yet not.
But hush, don't be excited,
The main character is not him.

Simple Psyche with that meek beauty,
Or Orual (her name I turn over in my lips more than Psyche) the embittered,
Fox with his wise Greek sayings,
And the gods who did not answer till Orual got her answer in her complaint.

But no these are far from the main character,
Whom we (I) fail describing and have failed.
The story is now mine (and yours?),
With He who made Orual a Psyche.

Thus my resolve,
After which a realisation.
Till I have been cruel of heart (in the words of Orual still with veiled face),
Till I long for …

At the Jouney's End

Image
又回到这个温暖优美的家。不是我的家不过好像在这短短的 4 天里有那么多美好的时光。不是纯纯快乐的,而是有时带伤感的。


过了一年,回到这个地方,看到自己不是以前的我。
I think I have become in a sense more emotional, more attuned to my own sorrows and even seeing it's beauty. Still like being alone to think and reflect, but I have come to express some of these reflections, because I have learnt that first ministry cannot be done alone and second that there are people who care passionately about the same things too.


Hmm the pride is still there but the monster has taken on a different form. I used to not want to share both because of self-protection and the emotional pride: No one cares! Now that I am... So accomplished in the eyes of many, the pride distorts how I view myself. With such great blessing of various strengths comes that thorn in the flesh- and I was reminded again of His all sufficient grace. Power made perfect in weakness, and so let me boast about my weaknesses.

Looking and hearing at the new Exco share about their reflections on ministry based on th…

真的幸会了

The entire trip with the Hagar staff and supporters was a tremendously blessed one. Apart from seeing the wonderful work done, it was also meeting people that have the same heartbeat and have gone ahead of me.
Just wanted to write down how each of these people have touched my life, for that blip of shared time in Hanoi:
Firstly, it became such a joy being somewhat of a wallflower and looking at Lynette laughing so heartily at the smallest things. There was always something to laugh at or be playful about, and the van was filled with boisterous laughter throughout the 4 days. The sisterhood with Camy was also something so beautiful, and both of them really exuded that joy in service and in working for Hagar. It must have been a leap of faith to work in Hagar with only 3 staff and no office (until recently), being in the stable job of MSF. Kelda's dedication to take photos which meant she would always not have a nice shot of her inside the group photos was also something which caused…

They Say Love is Pain-

Image
-well darling let's hurt tonight. If this love is pain then darling let's love tonight~ (Let's Hurt Tonight, OneRepublic)


Painted this today morning against the background music of Sinking Deep/I Need You Now/Broken Vessels. A fountain. The three that remain: Faith, Hope and Love. Leaves of tree for the healing of nations.

Now that I have gotten things off my chest, I feel more at peace. Thank you, Evan. Thank You, Father for this mentor who is so similar to me, both in angst and in passion. I almost cried when she shared about Rev.Yap used to ask "Why you so not 乖?"

Really thank You, Lord, for You reminded me about my third resolution to spur my spiritual family towards love and good works. I know You would desire a willing heart more than a person with abilities. Empty empty all these things, without love.

So many points I felt like crying when talking to Evan. About the love for and angst over church, when she asked me what did I think God wants me to grow ove…

Saddle Pain in the Freedom of Rain

Image
I was still toying with the idea of taking my brother's bike out for an adventure while on the way back from hiking with the parents. The next morning when I woke up it occurred to me that I had already cycled around Hainan (on the main roads with the cars/motorbikes!). That sealed it, I'm going! This time, parents were duly informed (though not of the plan to cycle till Pandan Reservoir; didn't know I could make it that far too). I'm a naughty kid I know.
What I really wanted to say was, how enjoyable it was to cycle with the rain beating down on my skin. I was thoroughly drenched after 1/3 of my first leg up to Chinese Garden. I felt really carefree.
Though there was the saddle pain. Felt it keenly when cycling through the pouring rain along the straight canal path with my thighs feeling like they were gonna fail me. Less so, but felt it when admiring the post-rain glistening Jurong lake and pine trees (?). Saddle pain in Macs when basking in the post accomplishme…

Songs

The top few songs for the Coachella music and arts festival perturb me. Among them are Alone (Marshmello) and Scared To Be Lonely. When I was forced to sit through the second song in the taxi some time ago, I made a mental note to give it a listen again. Okay I think this is the point I should say that I am slightly more assured after finding out that RadioHead was the main opening act on Day 1 of the festival. Fake Plastic Trees was a earworm in yes, those angst teenage years. ("It wears him out...It wears him out...")
Continuing on with my judgment of English pop now, I really felt sad listening/watching the MV of these 2 videos. Not just these, but in generally listening to the pop music now, it felt to me like a kind of indication of a deep hurt in society. Not just a deep hurt, but there seems to be a sense of experiential satisfaction pursued in and of itself. My mind somehow thinks of self-harm ('across the river not down the stream'); has it become a kind of…

In High Places

Image
Have humans always been enthralled by high places? The Tibetans build their temples in the mountains to be closer to the heavens above. Today we trailed behind on the overwhelming kindness and generosity of a Vietnamese family as they ascended up the steep trail in Ba Vi National Park to worship at the shrine.

We had the privilege to be privy to this ritual for some special day. Looking at the offerings of money. fragrant branches, a whole chicken... and then their lips moving silently as they knelt before the shrine. What are they praying for, I wonder. How do they see themselves in relation to the gods they are praying to?


It was in that high fog-filled place that we had received so much grace freely given. We were so warmly welcomed into their fold, beckoned into the temple to see, invited (many many times) to eat their food, ushered up their van. At one point I remembered thinking: This is also a kind of shalom.

This short trip to Hanoi has really brought us to high places, both l…

Manusia Kesengsaraan// In the Hope room

Image
Hari ini Jumaat Baik. What a strange sounding translation of Good Friday. It is also strange that I am in Hanoi instead of Good Friday service. Listening to the intermittent honks from the traffic below our hotel and watching the sunlight slowly suffuse the 'therapeutic' room as Jas described. Dua kawan-kawan aku masih nyenyak tidur, seperti semua baik di bumi. Good Friday meningkatkan aku tentang Yesus Kristos terseksa di Calvary.

Thinking about it I realised that sufferings and sorrows are often reflected back to joy, in the Lord. Joy of a deeper kind, leaning on the full weight of assurance in a heartrendingly glorious eternity with our Creator.

Manusia kesengsaraan... Let my heart be broken but not despair.

I have come to see happiness with a tinge of sorrow, like the people sleeping in the streets even as I was really happy to be exploring places with my dear friends (I counted four in the short 2 hours we were out yesterday). And on the other side, sorrows …

Rest

Image
Because someone kept asking me to rest :)

This is my kind of rest and I foresee that I will be a fat Makcik in the future :o

Baking.

Eating. With good company, at a nice place. Licking batter off the mixing bowl is good too but I guess I have grown to enjoy people more.

Journalling, writing. More often in cafes now which is bad because it makes me plump and poor (good alliteration right).

I enjoy hiking and seeing nature too, but too bad I haven't really got the energy  motivation to do the local hikes. I miss waking up at unearthly hours and travelling on the MTR to hike legit mountains. I miss the carefree times, when I can just agree to a 12am hike after coming back from a short run in the cold. Well, no sadness in saying this. I have my Rest, in Whom nothing I have missed is lost.

FYI:
From Pioneer Woman, she's one of the first food bloggers that I followed at 14 years old. Recipe is diabetic though, cut back on the sugar like by ALOT.






Acknowledgements

And so. After exactly 24h from when I woke up yesterday, the work is done. Father, You have been so gracious to grant me the desires of my heart. When I have not always delighted myself in You. But still, You have given me such clarity of purpose, such strength, drive, such anointing of the Holy Spirit this semester. I guess that's why, in light of all these, 我要为自己别无所求. 不是不在乎,而是只要从神父手中领取.

I am thankful:

"Thesis is an individual research journey but I am triply blessed in this journey. My first supervisor, Dr Marcus Chiu, taught me to think more critically and pushed me to look beyond the superficial questions. What I'd thought was a straightforward research question became a conceptually fundamental one about human perception and behaviour. My second supervisor, Dr Choo Hyekeung, was ever so patient with my unprecise fluff and I owe much of my quantitative thinking and SPSS skills to her. I am also indebted to Mr Mohamed Naser, who made the research so much smoother and ea…

恩典的记号

Over breakfast with Dad, I got angry thinking about 大伯. There is still much unforgiveness and disdain for me I know it. On Saturday at the crematorium I was really trying hard to look at him full-on because I found that it was so hard to look at him with love.
So, I want to dispel any notions of romanticism in love within me. I still have this fuzzy-warm notions; which are not entirely unrealistic but they are sweet interruptions in the long journey of loving rather than love's characteristic. The very same Kang that discussed and affirmed that it is the church who extends scandalous grace to peoples that society will not and cannot care for, cannot have this thin definition of love.
不是讨人爱的才爱,爱是在那所谓不值得爱的最赤热. Perhaps for the love-er, this is a hard-won love. Further, it is not from ourselves, like we have this love without ourselves receiving it. It is really knowing that we are precisely also the ones so unlovable that Grace has found and redeemed.

Angst

Image
Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me. 

"I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park)
"But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan)
So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.)
Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself. 
But anyway. Aligned with the SW strengths perspective, it helps me iden…

清明,脆弱

Image
清明时节雨纷纷,路上行人欲断魂。借问酒家何处有?牧童遥指杏花村。

 好幽美的几句诗。

<subsequent images taken from the World Press Photo 2016 exhibition, gird yourself >


A strange kind of terrible beauty in this photo also. Ponomarev really composed it so beautifully; the horse bows its head, like how I'd imagine the hearts of the people. Yet the ethereal sunlight shines down on both the horseman and the people.






I stared at these nameless faces for a long time.

And then I saw this.

 And this. 
And this.

Was there the temptation to atheism again? I guess it was after Adam's photo while I was looking at the photos narrating the problem of sexual assaults against women in the US military. I just went "What the fuck, God." By grace, by sweet grace, it didn't end there, this almost-cowardly response.

I took photos of strength, of love, of resilience, of hope as well. Looked deep into these faces, as fleeting as those light-full moments were, there they were.



I reflected on the train back, that perhap…

Happy Social Work Day

Image
The convergence of social workers and social service professionals was such a joy to experience today- a large part was reconnecting with a whole bunch of people I got to know through these past 3+ years. Guan Zhen (she just sprang up to hug me awww T.T the laughter of joy from her), Joanne (she was from my VRU internship wayyy long ago before I started in NUS), Fiona (two of them!), and a lot of SW seniors.

The thought crossed my mind especially when I saw some people walking out to take calls (emergency client case?), doing work on their laptops during the dialogue (tsk tsk we never outgrow this multitasking right): How are each one of them doing with their baggage of life stories?

Read Psalm 90 on Monday and the first half (v1-10) reminded me that sorrows are a given for life on earth.

That question was actually thrown out because I was having a lot of fun including almost getting my fingers put into a very cute baby's mouth :> I would have allowed her to lah but my finger…

山雨欲来

Image
山雨欲来,暴风卷起, 到时还要敬拜。
 心有点盼望又害怕的感觉。不知即将要走在怎样的道路,是高山或低谷。

 也许会有因一波未平,一波又起的疲惫。到时还要歌颂。

 今天看到叔叔关于清明节的短信,刹然想到的。


好了,隐隐的悲哀到此为止。我在这段时间里是充满喜乐和蒙到神恩典的。

 呵呵年糕 <3 从荣耀堂回到家,厨房里是一盘的芋头炸年糕。近期来和家人有不少灿烂的时光。在校园里又有能祝福同学的机会,这个学期有了不少让我喜悦的友谊。还有!即将又要走在异国土上了。好兴奋,可以与知心友去越南,而也盼望能自己在香港去过的咖啡厅回首,祷告,阅读。

“你要保守你的心,胜过保守一切,因为一生的果效是由心发出。“      箴言4:33

也知道,会有不少诱惑。Treacherous heart apt to wander, let me not be caught in empty dreams. Both figuratively and literally. I had such a vivid dream that I could feel the hands' warmth even. 梦醒时,都不知道要怎么去理解。

劳累

Image
I knew I had an asshole side of me but I'd almost forgotten until today.

So nicely suppressed.

In a sense I am thankful for that because it reminds me that 我是人。是肉体的人,同时也是神的子女。

And while I am grateful for whatever life experiences and personal dispositions that I have, which made me who I am- a quick thinker who grasps things quite fast, analytical (?), able to look at macro stuff- I also know this has made me impatient, prideful, inclined to bash my way through things I don't quite know because I can't stand being meticulous about going through step-by-step (ref SPSS).

Legit ashamed of myself at project work today, impatient, silently judging my group mates (such an asshole right). Seriously, I need to learn more patience in order to build people up, to work together to get good things going, to love. Love is patient indeed.

It has been a long day.Woke up somehow at 5.48am, decided to do a truncated QT for more time to look at my data. Very notably, it was Psalm 147: "…

存心感谢

Image
啊~ 又到了拜六,坐在上个礼拜坐的位置。

 荣耀大君王, 欢迎你在我们中间。

你应许了我们,而且是远比我们敢想象或启求的。

 真的是化腐朽为神奇,哈哈想到这是我的华文老师跟爸妈说她不能做的。你在我们里面成了奇迹,通过这些渺小胆怯的心灵动工。

好期待主日,Sunday School 后要和姐妹们 (haha literally; it's Mrs Yong and Dilys) 去吃韩国buffet :> 然后回家,静静地在主面前。又是一个充满福分的星期。

 过后 | 贪吃记

在从小吃到大的咖啡店等爸妈,都说不饿。看到新开的中国拉面店,就叫了碗一起吃。妈妈说,没拿辣椒啊~ 我就去拿,不小心拿了一大把麻辣油,她竟然都搅进面里。惨了爸爸不吃了。

 流了大把鼻涕,舌头麻到痛,不过吃到很爽:
走过香味肉干店,妈妈问,要吃豆沙饼吗? 我说想吃旗子饼,那种没馅的。

 啊!妈妈就走向我因为怕衅臭从来都没去过的店铺,那个五金店卖各种各样的饼干酥饼,看了很开心。两个贪吃婆好像眼看就满足了,没有旗子饼。又走到另一个店铺,那边暖暖的,因为她再磨花生,香味莫名令我快活。又是不同的粿,在那里终于有我们想吃的。Angku kueh <3 一边走一边吃的零食最好吃。咬一口,喂妈妈一口,一人一半感情不散。

Mazmur | 灰心的诗篇

Praise the LORD.  Forget not who He is, our Creator God and Abba Father, Who shows Himself faithful at every turn, Who weaves together strands in the tapestry of grace.
Though my heart is shaken, it should not be moved, It's anchor held fast in firm assurance: our God reigns. O my soul, look to the Lord. He has made everything beautiful in its time.
Selah
Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion,  which cannot be shaken but endures forever (Psalm 125:1)  Return, my soul, to your sure Rest. He has chosen you to bear fruit that will last. Praise the LORD.
I thank God for His providences and encouragement today. Had a hearty breakfast with whole-grain bread and cheese/kaya combo that I really liked, and reached school at 8.50am (wayyyy earlier than for 9am policy class which I am always slightly late for). 
So I actually thought that Dr Irene Ng called me into her office to chide me about something (guilty conscience). But no, it was something that was on my heart and I feel so so …

Psalm of Sabbath

Image
Praise the LORD.  Praise the Father all ye faithful for His kairos, Praise the Son all ye weary for soul's rest, Praise the Spirit all ye beloved for truth timeless.
Praise the LORD. Who pursues the least of man,  Who completes the good work in us, Who established creation with its natural laws. Selah
Praise the LORD. Who works all things for our good, Who gave the perfect law that we may live, Who made Sabbath for man, Not man for Sabbath, that we may be free indeed.
Selah 
Praise the LORD. He blesses the finite work of our hands, Unto Him they bear fruit that will last.
He is good, His love endures forever, He dwells with us in the trial of silence. Our souls find not rest,  Until they rest in Him.
Praise the LORD. 


Honestly, I shuddered a little when I think about the week ahead. Thursday is when I am supposed to meet my thesis supervisor and give her my study hypotheses + preliminary analysed data. But first, I have to correlate the study and demographic/clinical variables to…

Language

Since I have been trying to be fluent in the three languages of English, Chinese and Malay in the past few months, I realised that the way I think and perceive things might have changed. It is very interesting because it is in light of another language that I see the idiosyncrasies of a particular one. Haha I am also trying to revise Bahasa Melayu while distracting myself from thesis for awhile.

Language does shape thinking, even one's identity. It breaks my heart everytime I remember that in Japanese, there is no word for that unconditional, agape love. Can one appreciate fully what he cannot put a word to? Reminded of the book 1984, where Newspeak was used to suppress individualism, and also the movie The Giver where 'precise language' was demanded and emotional language suppressed.

Have been learning more about Malay culture (budaya Melayu) through pantun (Malay poetry) and peribahasa. But it is the words that amaze me sometimes:

merendah diri- literal translation is to …

Silence

Ah, Nippon, land of the rising sun.

March. Is associated to PhD and a continuation of ministry for me. This PhD to me feels like a door of opportunity, beyond the professional development.

Silence leaves me heavy-hearted and much food for thought.

Apostasize, and they will live. Apostasize, and you can remain in the land.
Abide by the emperor edict, show proper respect to the governor. Render to Caesar what is Caesar, and to God what is God's.

Yet a lamp is not hidden but is put on a stand, that those who come in can see the light.

The Fallen Priest had a wife and children, and not a mention of Jesus from his lips. To become all things to all men?

Silence. Let us behold our God in the silence. To mull these things in the kateware-doki.

阿爸

It was just 30 cents but I was so proud to be my Daddy's daughter <3 The girl in front of us was going to not buy the bananas because she didn't have enough money, so my Dad topped up for her :')

Just today I was thinking about how my parents have brought us up to be so socially conscious- my mum and I laughed at this bawling kid yesterday, and she shared that we have never made a scene in public like this because there will be severe repercussions. That's right I approve, give no chance. That's why I'm among the stricter teachers in Sunday School. At the same time I thought: Then the experience of grace has worn away the accumulated layers of 恥 (haji/shame). 

Various disparate thoughts. No point trying to weave a common narrative thread.

I love how I can still be a kid in my parents' eyes, even as I share some of the family burdens as a young adult now. Sometimes I will just call my mum/dad for no reason, I can still playfully fistbump my dad's protr…

有很多细节

Thankful. That I can say that I appreciate my 大姑丈 after today's trip with him to the hospital with 奶奶. We really worked together to ensure that the old one was able to clean her teeth and do a X-Ray properly. She is still very strong despite the age and we were struggling to stop her from pushing away those dental contraptions in her valiant attempt to abort the somewhat distressing process.

I can see how much thought he put into this whole process of caregiving. 有很多细节要照顾. While I was thankful for that, I think it was only today that I started to appreciate him as a person. He is really, as the taxi uncle said, 好好先生. Notwithstanding that I still don't really fancy the long messages (those mass forward chain message kind), I appreciate the thought behind him sending them.

Will not forget the back view of him wearing the apron, holding 奶奶 up in the X-Ray room while constantly encouraging her to stand, lean forward etc.

真是好多细节要照顾。

Tapestry of Grace

Image
Ayeeee. It has been an eventful day. Actually I was in NUS the whole day like a boring but the conversations over WA/email were anything but.

Of thankfulness, flipped back to the start of my current journal this morning and amazed at God's faithfulness in these short few months since December. Talking to my SW/life mentor about the upcoming lunchtime talk, about ministry in PGP, meeting Dr Calvin, even help from a senior for the policy project. He has blessed me with such wonderfully made people :')

Of grief (and hope), a dear friend's uncle's passing. Reminded of my own aunt, my grandma too.

Of joy and adventure. I just booked the ticket to Hanoi today whoop. To visit Hagar, an international NGO that engages with sex trafficking issues. Afterward I reflected, I actually haven't given much thought into this. Impulsive impulsive me I guess reframing you can say it is a kind of gung ho-ness but let me not get ahead of God.

Of satisfaction, at the day's work. Mu…

破碎的 hallelujah

Image
One benefit of being a student is that your time is sectioned nicely into semesters, and I am now midway into my final one in NUS. Kisah ada pahit, ada manis, tapi Tuhan membuat segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya (Pengkhotbah 3:11, TB).


Wrapping up this week with intentional quiet reflection and self-examination. Our gracious God has reminded me about the 3 resolutions I had for 2017. A broken hallelujah to You, my King.

To be honest, when my uncle began his series of text messages that was sending the implicit message of me not caring enough for my family, I was (1) frustrated (2) indignant (3) prideful and resistant (4) almost hateful. I was like: What more do you want?! What more do you want from me, God? And, who are you to tell me what to do, can't you see I am doing good work? Aren't I already making the effort? (Doesn't help that I was already feeling quite shaken from something else and that uncle was being indirect)

Even now I find it difficult to reply his (oh go…

回首1980

一个美好的早晨。吃着慢煎糕 (因为昨天在美食节目上看到厦门的慢煎糕好好吃)。我告诉妈妈,和表妹因为婆婆开始的Google 照片文件夹,有一张大姨的照片,照得好像模特儿,好美。妈妈说,你跟她讲,以后一定买好吃的给你吃。(哈哈我在爸妈眼里一直还是贪吃鬼)

过后我说,要找一个适合的旅行,不用走太多路,但也不是很轻松,带婆婆去。

 妈妈就说,带她去越南咯!爸爸插进一句:她哪都想去,要你们带她去。

 啊,不懂婆婆有没有跟你讲,以前有个邻居,现在中了Parkinson's,婆婆去看她,一直流眼泪,好心痛。她的手指鸡爪一样,虽然脑袋清醒可是不能动。我就跟她说咯,不要懒惰,现在可以走的时候就不要一直呆在家里。

 这个阿婶是有读书的,是她们当中的 leader 这样。

记得以前折报纸做纸袋, 以前哪里有plastic bag! 还有那些喝水的袋子,那些绳子都是手工串,绑的,现在都是机器 liao。100 个,两毛钱,补贴家用。我们还是比其他孩子幸运的啦,婆婆没有叫我们一定要做,喜欢做就做一下,没有说要在家里不可以出门。


哇,还有以前都是一块儿的,有个卖lor mai gaai 的,不知道她的名就叫她 lor mai gaai 阿姨。新年的时候,有一个邻居做kueh bangkit, 就会招我们:来啊来啊!以后久了就像一个commitment 了,每次都帮她。就在家门口烧炭,现在做这样,一定 tio complain! 她新年就一定会买一件新衣上门。


Ah Leng Ah Peng 的爸爸她们小时候就带到婆婆那边,拜拜就上班了。公公在家的时候就会带她们去kindergarten,会买吃的给她们,所以也是跟公公很亲。

 哦,公公也是每次买东西给我吃。公公说的,卖烧肉的,说这个baby 很可爱,就切烧肉给你吃。你这个贪吃的就吃了。

 好啦,快点喝完一起洗,不要浪费水。

Humility// Merendah Diri

Saya tidak tahu betapa bangga saya. Saya kini boleh berdoa hanya, Tuhan menjaga keamanan, Holy Spirit be upon the very weak me dan membantu saya untuk merendah diri.

Seperti Yesus, beliau seperti buah padi makin berisi makin rendah.

Wow perkataan itu merendah. The actual bending/bowing down. Betul, biarlah saya merendah diri. To forget myself, this broken weak self. I need to admit that there was a lot of self involved. Pride- my greatest enemy how I hate it to its very core.

Collateral beauty- in a sense saya mesti terima kasih kepada Tuhan kerana melalui situasi ini saya boleh memeriksa diri saya. Dan boleh merasa bagaimana kawan-kawan saya berasa tentang semua ini. Thank God that He has shown me how indeed all my good works are like filthy rags. I have been reflecting: Saya berjalan di sini, di situ- tetapi have I been running well? I can only give all praise to Abba who has taken these filthy rags by His grace, for His glory.

Tengah hari ini tidak senang- bapa saudara implying tha…

听见下雨的声音

It is actually raining right now, and I reluctantly close my windows to stop the rain from wetting the matte floor. Nyanian hujan betul-betul menarik hati irama, hujan di lantai konkrit menangkanku.

终于听见下雨的声音,于是我的世界被吵醒
Reminds me of my first love, how I am seeking to let my perspective be changed to mirror God's- and it's a kind of awakening, to a far better, rain-washed world. Mercy drops round me are falling, but for the showers we plead. This genius knows that love causes someone begin to take on the loved's lens.


窗台上滴落的雨滴,轻敲着伤心,凄美而动听 (this line is so beautiful look at the nuances and metaphorisation in the Chinese language and culture)
Brings me back to yesterday's Diversity Symposium :') Much feels 好感动 sangat terharu. Being in front of everyone was initially quite D: but after I got over being self-conscious (the blazer and choker and looking good helped alot, superficial I know) I really enjoyed looking at these people there. Taking notes, listening intently; s…

Diversity

Image
I think I will have more thoughts after the Diversity Symposium but writing these down now when I have a pocket of time. Had a pretty good time at Diversity Fest- extrovert mode full on. (Afterward I blasted Chinese songs- 野子! JJ Lin! Jay Chou!- in the computer lab for some downtime)

Should I be more dogmatic? That was a question I asked myself over a solitary lunch. Like to be more inclined to share about my faith and beliefs.

Today was a good time, talking to different people. Really diversity. There was this girl from Yong Siew Toh (rare!), from China, and Muslim (even more rare). Then Indians who were Christian, one living Dubai.

I really enjoyed conversing to them about their life experiences and beliefs :) though yeah, at the end if people asked how many people have I shared the gospel to I would say none.

Perhaps that question is arising from a gross overemphasis on direct evangelism- which I almost recoil from. And that's why I get squeamish about anything that has the whi…

感动

Image
正有点不开心地折这些卡片,
我的阿爸走进我的房间。

 手拿着药膏弯着腰,
 说:你的脚怎么这样
 要擦这个。









 我说:用了菱锌矿  阿爸说没用的是擦这个。
 手指就把白白的膏涂在红红的蚊子叮上 脚伸出时想到了耶稣洗使徒的脚。

 过后折的卡片,  一张张成为我给同学的祝福。

Engaging People

For some reason, every time I reflected that I am becoming more extroverted, the immediate reaction was to deny, like being an extrovert is a bad development. I have indeed developed my ability to be extroverted from having to interact with so many people all day everyday (an exaggeration: I'd be hiding at home now if it were so).

Wanted to write this down before I sleep (strangely buzzing-awake, without caffeine, probably the itch from the multiple mosquito bites on my feet?!). Reflections from interactions.

1. Dignity
I realised that perhaps it is not the act of asking money or saying that one is poor that robs one of dignity, or accepting financial help even. Perhaps it is the value and meaning we place on money. Why is it so 'shameful' that I am less well-off? Does that make me more coarse? Perhaps.

But ultimately I think it boils down to what/whom we based our dignity on. I have grown to not be ashamed of my humble(ish) background, especially when interacting with my …

Tree // Psalm 1:3

Image
Just wanted to remember today though I am super tired having been up for almost 19.5h since 6am.

I am particularly thankful for Thursday Year 4s prayer gathering today- it was my turn to share which I forgot, but I did an impromptu one. Felt like I should share on koinonia (fellowship/community), and how we as a community of love and acceptance show Christ. And how we have not, instead being insular.

And also, for Plumb. I think it is one of the best since my first Plumb with super nurturing Maria? I had this idea for reading a book about faith (apologetics, pastoral, whatever), and share with the Plumb. Super happy when people want to borrow my books to read.

IFG topical was good also, reminded of how I take myself too seriously- in the sense of guarding my 'reputation'. Of which, really, is there really a reputation I should be cultivating? The sharings afterward were precious as well- people so different from us whom we are trying to love wholeheartedly with God's love…

River

Image
Of grief and joy.
"By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion."
Psalm 137:1 NIV
"Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever."
Revelation 22:1‭-‬5 NIV
功夫不深,不过画的满开心的。 可以以画代字, 也是一种祝福。

One of my favorite hymns with added bridge.

Perfect Love

Image
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear,  because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

This verse was shared on two occasions today and I was reminded of how I had trouble believing in the first part of the verse. Indeed, a leaky vessel was I, receiving love because God is love but not being made perfect in love. To be wholly in that loving obedience to the Father as Jesus Christ is.

Was fighting back the urge to weep when we sang It is Our Father's World just now, after we prayed for Gambia, for USA, for the nations and people groups on our hearts. It is Your world, Abba, which You are reconciling to Yourself.


In that place, I read Romans 8:15-39 aloud. And I prayed, for a different kind of prayer to sound from this place. In trust shall I pray, and where words may fail me 'the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will'.

It has been a blessed day.