They Say Love is Pain-

-well darling let's hurt tonight. If this love is pain then darling let's love tonight~ (Let's Hurt Tonight, OneRepublic)

Painted this today morning against the background music of Sinking Deep/I Need You Now/Broken Vessels. A fountain. The three that remain: Faith, Hope and Love. Leaves of tree for the healing of nations.

Now that I have gotten things off my chest, I feel more at peace. Thank you, Evan. Thank You, Father for this mentor who is so similar to me, both in angst and in passion. I almost cried when she shared about Rev.Yap used to ask "Why you so not 乖?"

Really thank You, Lord, for You reminded me about my third resolution to spur my spiritual family towards love and good works. I know You would desire a willing heart more than a person with abilities. Empty empty all these things, without love.

So many points I felt like crying when talking to Evan. About the love for and angst over church, when she asked me what did I think God wants me to grow over the next 5 years, and when she got my struggle spot on.

"You sound like you need to go away... You have been using words like 'tied', 'boxed in'..."
"But the thing is, I have been going away! So it's a heart issue."

Especially when I talked about being in the system (machinery, in her words). Oh gosh perhaps it's an imaginary System in my warped mind that I have been fighting. But at the same time, I know quite clearly that this is something I would want to do, and which God has placed in my heart.

To be 乖, if only to change broken systems. To learn humility and kairos, trust in God's sovereignty and absolutely good nature, to battle and advocate with a heart of wisdom.

"If I ever needed You, I need You now" (I Need You Now, Matt Redman)

P.S. Thanksgiving: I am going to start work at Island Creamery soon! Wow, my dreams are being fulfilled :') I don't deserve any of this and I haven't even worked hard for all these blessings in my life.