chronicles of young

台中 在未来某个灰暗的一天，希望回想这几天好牧人的带领照顾 不盼望挫折但也知道 “你的国降临” 这个祷告大部分是由信徒的心酸而应许的 :')

(After I blog this I shall disconnect, and try to process things with God.) Perhaps I am burnt out, I tell myself. But it's okay not to think about it now. I do want to be fruitful for God and perhaps being burnt out is a natural consequence- there is so much to do. I am glad these questions about toil, salvation, pain, brokenness, human relationships came as they do now. They put things in perspective when I see the world as it truly is- neither with rose-tinted glasses nor despair- because Jesus, the light of the world has come. In any case, I feel like there are so many tabs opened in my mind these few weeks. So I am glad that one tab has been closed. Thanks bro. For the grace shown, for speaking words not in haste (unlike the impatient me), for sharing. Yes, one tab closed. I wouldn't have it another way. But God, bring me through whatever lies ahead.

Another semester of school is ending soon, and as I reflect on this semester, the chorus of Written in the Stars (Westlife, not Tenie Tempah) rang so true: When I look at my life, how the pieces fall into place, it just wouldn't rhyme, without You At my very core, You satisfy me Lord. And You have taught me to truly delight in You and You only this semester. When I so desperately wanted friends, not to bless them but rather to have people to eat lunch with so I won't worry about eating lunch alone in school, to cafe hop with, to take nice pictures with, You did not give it to me. Instead, You showed me how self-centred I am. Then, when I told You, I must centre myself on You so please help me to- You gave me company when I needed it. I found that I was a better friend, and much more assured in the friendships I have. When I see how my path, seem to end up before Your face When I asked to be rooted deeper in church, You showed me that again, fellowship is God-centred:...

But I know I (am supposed to) have the joy and that I can shoot down the second point with a dozen declarations from God in the Bible.  Still... there always comes this time, when I start to doubt. Like now. Long-held fears and anxieties.  I'm boring, uncool, too serious to have fun with... No friends to really be with which makes me feel empty-sad. And always this sense of futility- what am I doing with my life?  To make things worse, my friends do not seem similarly afflicted. Okay, the chances are that people do feel the same way but we aren't connected so I still feel alone. How I have prayed for a confidant to know me, apart from God Himself! Yet perhaps for this very reason the answer is no/wait.