chronicles of young

into this thing called married life.  I wonder how I am gonna maintain general hygiene, do well at work, keep in touch with friends, visit family regularly (4 parents now.. quite terrible but I'm kinda thankful I don't have another set of grandparents), have quiet reflective time with God, keep up with ministry stuffs, and be intentional about God's calling for me in missions.  The last bit is the one that I feel more strongly in recent times while the skeptical side of me says its just because its Mission month in church. But I've always known since I became a Christian that I am moved to see people from least reached peoples come to know Christ, I just don't know how this translates to action. Especially now that I feel more keenly that I am not my own- yet may that remind me of a higher calling: "You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (1 Cor 6:19b-20); and "I am under obligation both to Greeks and to b...

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II...

More reflections in the face of looming deadline (15 Aug, and actually I can plead 1 week extension or not submit the 'best', will get to that later on) + fast BPM and tense shoulders, locked left jaw signaling anxiety. I feel sorry to my body- "Thank you for sticking in it through in there"- I hope my body receives this. Feels a bit like bad time management to be writing this in the face of work- but I know it works, and I lean into the part of me that sees that my 'success' thus far has been to do what might seem counter-intuitive. On top of the emotional turbulence from the conflict and consequent perception of relationship fall-out that I am trying to calm (not too badly), yesterday I had to meet with a young child in emotional distress. Asking God why lol, does He really think I have the capacity to deal with all these? I will have the eventual victory; He is sovereign through it all- waiting on this. He was crying so hard, the fight for connection I felt...

 I realised I felt sad through the praise offering songs- the poignant lyrics made me cry. Yearning for the day without strife and striving amidst this world of evil and sin- crying on the stories shared yesterday, crying on how we fought over what is supposedly (and is, I guess) a good thing of serving others. Perhaps more crying on the dis-shalom that is our task, and yet the helplessness we have in our own puny strength and weak natures.  "God, I need strength to sing a new song"- halfway through singing my voice trailed off- I felt so weak to sing a fresh praise and trust into the situation, believing that God is truly working all things for good and that hope will be realized. After this phase of realising I felt sad, moved on to anger (haha musing whether this is stage-wise thing like grief). I feel angry! Angry thoughts about the situation and maybe at myself for "not being able to say certain things to rebutt" in that instance. Seems like the inner adult is ...

 (Haha post title inspired by my current favorite Kdrama- Guardian)  Its not 'because the weather was good enough' as I know what I am going to write is what I know to be true for me regardless of the weather. Its just that when the weather is bad (read: the sun's rays are obscured), I feel like things are more grey and the brightness in my heart grows dimmer. Perhaps this is really the limits- or rather more positively, stretching of my faith to hope, trust, love and rejoice in all circumstances.  Writing down some reflections/reminders recently, with much thanksgiving- God is giving me good gifts right now; all the time in all different seasons. Was comparing and thinking about 'what could be' recently which got me pretty emotional, and a  timely article on God's providence from C. really spoke to me. There are so many good gifts that I could list out when b0bear asked me what these were when I shared my reflections- well worth remembering on overcast days. B...

The PhD feels so hard and lonely, especially today. I think the aloneness is already something always in the background, when obviously other friends have their own colleagues for support and workplace huddles. Ironically COVID made things a bit better; there is the new normal of WFH which allowed for some shared experience with friends. And now I at least have a warm person that I can talk to face to face during the work day.  I really don't know if it was my lonesome personality that got me just going into this PhD in the first place. Okay I guess I am feeling exclusively, majorly sorry for myself. I feel pretty bad and frustrated to be doing this but well this is where I am. Its almost gonna be 2 years since I started. Will I end up also just being used to working by myself and be a difficult person to work with next time. Or worse am I gonna end up in a place where I will continue working by myself... I'm not thinking about giving up but it just feels so hard. It makes me w...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...

Feels good to break through the temptation to watch Kim's Convenience to laugh away things (it's really funny and relatable btw haha). To sit with God, create and express.  This was in response to the theme/prompt: A Loss. A new song just released by SOP is quite apt too :') Check it out . FYI: You can get this art therapy journal here . :) 

Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :> As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset. What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process. I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God. Well, 1 month into thi...

神的儿女要唱一首新歌，我们神要做新事 旧的事都已经过去，在基督里一切都要更新 新的眼界 新的異象，新的故事 新的方向 (Give Us Vision, SOP 2015) 1. Beginning from the latest 'new' thing (or rather one) | I do remember a time in 2018 where I was almost in the depths of despair as I realised that I have not been known fully and I doubted if there was anyone who would know me fully and truly accept me. Recalling my reflections on being human after Anntic 2016, this struggle to be known/making myself known has been a rooted one.  I guess one of the most beautiful, gospel-proclaiming joy of being a together-er, +1, half in a relationship that is more than ourselves is this- to be fully known and to be fully accepted. Of course, my reflexive self is aware that I might well be suffering from the age-old 'love is blind' illness. But that is not really true because there has been uncomfortable reflections and disclosures that show me (us) that these old ways need to be given up. And still, the acceptance (intentional...

( Writing this the morning after caffeine-induced high at night; I don't doubt that God also used last night to speak into my life ) Those verses came to mind as I was praying for Mongolia, which led me to pray for the different ethnos as well. And I was suddenly filled with that deep longing and a deep sense of vision, as I envisioned awesome sights of each unique ethnos bringing gifts that reflect their culture and God's glory into the city of God. I think this is the source of my attraction to tribes and cultures different from my own. That first encounter with Mongolia awakened that sometimes troubling attraction. Is it just wanderlust and the desire to be 'free', or romanticised attraction?  This morning, it hit me that I was going into another city, with its different people groups. How can I work for the shalom of this city? Where the fruits of nature are fruitfully employed, and there is universal (mutual) flourishing, wholeness. 1 I don't know...

It's the third day knowing that I have been accepted into the PhD programme (i.e. I'm getting a bit nervous about having to make a clear decision soon). I thank God for watercolour; I usually lapse into thinking about God as an impersonal Being, but painting creation- the sky, mountains, seas, vast expanses- helps me to remember again that God knows the whole of me and I know Him too. 18 Jan 站在大海边，才发现自己有多渺小， 而又发现，我是伟大神 拣选的。 19 Jan 往前看那前头的路程 你世世代代做我们的居所 你使人归于尘土 叫我们数算自己的日子 得着智慧的心 It is really amazing looking at this because I'd initially wanted to paint a horse, but screwed up so I had to paint something over it. A tent because I'd just read about Jesus at the Feast of Tabernacles, and also Mongolians use gers. Later on, next to 奶奶 and thinking about going away, Psalm 90 came to mind. And so this watercolour took on a whole different meaning for me. Where do I go from here? Pondering on how things will be for my family, a thought which I...

"O GOD, I bless thee for the happy moment when I first saw    thy law fulfilled in Christ,    wrath appeased,    death destroyed,    sin forgiven,    my soul saved. Ever since, thou hast been faithful to me;    daily have i proved the power of Jesus' blood,    daily have I known the strength of the Spirit,         my teacher, director, sanctifier. I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,    desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,    need no other look than that which gazes on the cross. Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,                    if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,                          experience, deeds and not seen them as filthy rags,           ...

Compilation of some IG moments that I intentionally saved to remember and for posterity (half-kidding only). Also because I am feeling frivolous after ending work at 10pm today, plus tomorrow is Friday, and it will just be MSF training wheeee. Making this video stirs up feelings of gratitude when I am reminded of God's faithfulness and how the adventure with Him has been so joy-full. Of course, I don't want to over-romanticise because there are certain moments when I just feel like this whole faith journey is hollow and meaningless. Have been wanting to compile my Moments for some time- this app FilmoraGo is so gr9 <3 Main issue (which is perhaps mine) is that I can't rotate the video right side up so if happy watching it from a different angle :> I had fun! At some point in the last 2 years of university, I realised how precious it was to have fun while doing something I am passionate about. Before that the first 2 years my friends told me I was intense-scar...

The best kind of holiday is the one that allows you to reflect and be refreshed, and that was exactly what the Jogja trip did for me. Significantly, I think I had the conclusion to the prayer requests I asked of my colleagues for a few months at morning devotions (I admit I hadn't been very faithful in praying by myself- value of community experienced). The main tension/question experienced in the transition from student to professional was: Am I doing enough for the kingdom of God? Well I do think it's fallacious to say that this will be the tension one faces in transiting to work because this tension is supposed to stay throughout our lives as we seek greater love. Two threads of thoughts (trying to be more organised here) culminated from thinking during the long car rides and that 3 hours alone together with my 2 dear INFJ friends: God demands much of us, mortal man made in His very image. To be like Christ is an uncompromising perfect standard, yet fitting for a...

He asked me, "Son of man, can these bones live?" I said, "O Sovereign LORD, you alone know." Ezekiel 37:3   Read-typing these verses with Broken Vessels playing in the background. How apt.  It is strange how I didn't feel that momentous passing of time until now, December and 31st, the last day of 2017. (Thank God for the marking of time)  Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me! In the days leading up to Christmas, I was literally dreading having to get out of the house and face people. Looking back at my planner, it is a blank and I can't remember much of those days either. Just that weariness and slight despair. Ah, I know why. Emotional week it was, with 3 deaths of people I know/relatives of people I know. And with stuff happening at work. And so many things to settle for camp and things I have to go for. Including camp, which was these daunting 5 days in which I have to be strong, to be loving, to be more t...

Having been a social worker for just close to 2 months, I must first apologise in advance if I make it seem as though I have passed a judgment or sound very coldly cognitive. My peers' very raw experiences of witnessing family violence, together with the Rohingya crisis, stir up visceral emotions of anger, horror and helplessness. Of which, I am quite sure, a few degrees removed I am sure. This week during supervision I was confronted with the fact that I have been engaging the youths I am supposed to counsel in a more cognitive way, when the root of the issue are heart matters like belonging to a family, trust, and feeling loved. "What is happening to you in the counseling room as your client shares this?"  Social work is a spiritual journey, I am sure of it. We, or I, must confront the questions pertaining to God so as to forge ahead more boldly with the people we work with. A lot of these questions start with 'Why'? Ecclesiastes reminded me again of ho...

News of the Rakhine being stuck in no-man's land between border guards and the Myanmese army made me want to know where this border is exactly. Sometimes the amount of bad news from the same places everyday makes things feel 'standard'. But no, part of our battle for the truth is that each piece of such news belies the lives of eternal souls. These souls have history of rich experiences, they can be so resilient, yet I can't ever imagine the trauma and its after-effects on them. I was looking at those borders between the nations. Looking at the map, I understood better why Italy and France have so many Libya and Algeria refugees. Borders are a de facto part of the world. We don't really question the fundamental anxiety that's driving each country to protect its borders, do we? I am part of the anxiety. Let the refugees in, and there will bound to be societal changes. Let the foreign workers come, but they are only acceptable if they meet our sector need...

By His great grace alone, God hears half-awake prayers. That is, those first few half-coherent sentences jumbled with other passing thoughts that my mind mumbles every morning. "We are, like earthworms, cabbages and nebulae, objects of Divine knowledge. But when we (a) become aware of the fact... and (b) assent with all our will to be so known, then we treat ourselves, in relation to God, not as things but as persons. We have unveiled. Not that any veil could have baffled His sight. The change is in us. " (C.S. Lewis in Prayer: Letters to Malcolm, emphasis added) What an awesome gift and privilege prayer is - to be able to meet God face to face , even bringing incoherent babble or faithless (and thus empty) words at times. Writing this in the morning before I prepare to head out for a new work day; it is prayer that makes me ready and refreshed for the work ahead.

大姑丈问的这一句仿佛象征着世界会不断问我的问题。 Do I dare to make that resolution again, to wait on the LORD? You know, thinking about the vastness of Your plan for this world and our part in it, my heart is stilled.  Like in Tap Mei Tuk where the cloud-covered mountains and gently lapping waters declare Your glory. How wonderful to know You and walk in Your ways!   "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"  Proverbs 20:24 (NLT)  I am ready to go back home now, to begin work and continue with ministry. There is a place for me there, and I will discover why these doors have been opened.  P.S. I am very happy to share about stuff to do in HK~ It feels like a second home; I've had one of the best times of my life and precious moments of basking in God's creation here.