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恩典的记号

Over breakfast with Dad, I got angry thinking about 大伯. There is still much unforgiveness and disdain for me I know it. On Saturday at the crematorium I was really trying hard to look at him full-on because I found that it was so hard to look at him with love.
So, I want to dispel any notions of romanticism in love within me. I still have this fuzzy-warm notions; which are not entirely unrealistic but they are sweet interruptions in the long journey of loving rather than love's characteristic. The very same Kang that discussed and affirmed that it is the church who extends scandalous grace to peoples that society will not and cannot care for, cannot have this thin definition of love.
不是讨人爱的才爱,爱是在那所谓不值得爱的最赤热. Perhaps for the love-er, this is a hard-won love. Further, it is not from ourselves, like we have this love without ourselves receiving it. It is really knowing that we are precisely also the ones so unlovable that Grace has found and redeemed.

Angst

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Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me. 

"I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park)
"But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan)
So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.)
Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself. 
But anyway. Aligned with the SW strengths perspective, it helps me iden…

清明,脆弱

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清明时节雨纷纷,路上行人欲断魂。借问酒家何处有?牧童遥指杏花村。

 好幽美的几句诗。

<subsequent images taken from the World Press Photo 2016 exhibition, gird yourself >


A strange kind of terrible beauty in this photo also. Ponomarev really composed it so beautifully; the horse bows its head, like how I'd imagine the hearts of the people. Yet the ethereal sunlight shines down on both the horseman and the people.






I stared at these nameless faces for a long time.

And then I saw this.

 And this. 
And this.

Was there the temptation to atheism again? I guess it was after Adam's photo while I was looking at the photos narrating the problem of sexual assaults against women in the US military. I just went "What the fuck, God." By grace, by sweet grace, it didn't end there, this almost-cowardly response.

I took photos of strength, of love, of resilience, of hope as well. Looked deep into these faces, as fleeting as those light-full moments were, there they were.



I reflected on the train back, that perhap…

Happy Social Work Day

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 The convergence of social workers and social service professionals was such a joy to experience today- a large part was reconnecting with a whole bunch of people I got to know through these past 3+ years. Guan Zhen (she just sprang up to hug me awww T.T the laughter of joy from her), Joanne (she was from my VRU internship wayyy long ago before I started in NUS), Fiona (two of them!), and a lot of SW seniors.

The thought crossed my mind especially when I saw some people walking out to take calls (emergency client case?), doing work on their laptops during the dialogue (tsk tsk we never outgrow this multitasking right): How are each one of them doing with their baggage of life stories?

Read Psalm 90 on Monday and the first half (v1-10) reminded me that sorrows are a given for life on earth.

That question was actually thrown out because I was having a lot of fun including almost getting my fingers put into a very cute baby's mouth :> I would have allowed her to lah but my finger…

山雨欲来

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山雨欲来,暴风卷起,到时还要敬拜。
 心有点盼望又害怕的感觉。不知即将要走在怎样的道路,是高山或低谷。

 也许会有因一波未平,一波又起的疲惫。到时还要歌颂。

 今天看到叔叔关于清明节的短信,刹然想到的。


好了,隐隐的悲哀到此为止。我在这段时间里是充满喜乐和蒙到神恩典的。

 呵呵年糕 <3 从荣耀堂回到家,厨房里是一盘的芋头炸年糕。近期来和家人有不少灿烂的时光。在校园里又有能祝福同学的机会,这个学期有了不少让我喜悦的友谊。还有!即将又要走在异国土上了。好兴奋,可以与知心友去越南,而也盼望能自己在香港去过的咖啡厅回首,祷告,阅读。

“你要保守你的心,胜过保守一切,因为一生的果效是由心发出。“      箴言4:33

也知道,会有不少诱惑。Treacherous heart apt to wander, let me not be caught in empty dreams. Both figuratively and literally. I had such a vivid dream that I could feel the hands' warmth even. 梦醒时,都不知道要怎么去理解。

劳累

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I knew I had an asshole side of me but I'd almost forgotten until today.

So nicely suppressed.

In a sense I am thankful for that because it reminds me that 我是人。是肉体的人,同时也是神的子女。

And while I am grateful for whatever life experiences and personal dispositions that I have, which made me who I am- a quick thinker who grasps things quite fast, analytical (?), able to look at macro stuff- I also know this has made me impatient, prideful, inclined to bash my way through things I don't quite know because I can't stand being meticulous about going through step-by-step (ref SPSS).

Legit ashamed of myself at project work today, impatient, silently judging my group mates (such an asshole right). Seriously, I need to learn more patience in order to build people up, to work together to get good things going, to love. Love is patient indeed.

It has been a long day.Woke up somehow at 5.48am, decided to do a truncated QT for more time to look at my data. Very notably, it was Psalm 147: "…

存心感谢

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啊~ 又到了拜六,坐在上个礼拜坐的位置。

 荣耀大君王, 欢迎你在我们中间。

你应许了我们,而且是远比我们敢想象或启求的。

 真的是化腐朽为神奇,哈哈想到这是我的华文老师跟爸妈说她不能做的。你在我们里面成了奇迹,通过这些渺小胆怯的心灵动工。

好期待主日,Sunday School 后要和姐妹们 (haha literally; it's Mrs Yong and Dilys) 去吃韩国buffet :> 然后回家,静静地在主面前。又是一个充满福分的星期。

 过后 | 贪吃记

在从小吃到大的咖啡店等爸妈,都说不饿。看到新开的中国拉面店,就叫了碗一起吃。妈妈说,没拿辣椒啊~ 我就去拿,不小心拿了一大把麻辣油,她竟然都搅进面里。惨了爸爸不吃了。

 流了大把鼻涕,舌头麻到痛,不过吃到很爽:
走过香味肉干店,妈妈问,要吃豆沙饼吗? 我说想吃旗子饼,那种没馅的。

 啊!妈妈就走向我因为怕衅臭从来都没去过的店铺,那个五金店卖各种各样的饼干酥饼,看了很开心。两个贪吃婆好像眼看就满足了,没有旗子饼。又走到另一个店铺,那边暖暖的,因为她再磨花生,香味莫名令我快活。又是不同的粿,在那里终于有我们想吃的。Angku kueh <3 一边走一边吃的零食最好吃。咬一口,喂妈妈一口,一人一半感情不散。