Angst

Partly to prepare myself for an interview for youth worker at Lakeside FSC, I revisited those songs I'd so identified with in my secondary and JC years. Realised that u still do. Linkin Park, Simple Plan, One Republic- the top 3 angst song bands for me. 

Like, what you looking at, huh?

 "I'm tired of trying to be what you want me to be // I've become so numb, I can't feel you there." (Numb, Linkin Park)

"But tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut, sending SOS from this tiny box. Cos I'm lost out there and the world forgot." (Astronaut, Simple Plan)

So I indulged in more of these emo-angst songs last night (way longer than just that one song because I was almost-desperately trying to find that song of which I could only remember the grave in the MV. It was Stop and Stare.)

Dangerous dangerous. As the lyrics play in my head and I associate them with things that I have experienced, they focus me on myself. 

But anyway. Aligned with the SW strengths perspective, it helps me identify with the youths I'd be working with (awman I will be pretty sad if I didn't get the job in the end) and also, perhaps some angst is good.

As E. astutely pointed out, there's a 余火 in me though I really have mellowed, and reflecting on the Thurs SEnT workshop, I wrote: "这余火还在，一下子又烧回了". 

"You are still angry, Kang Li."
God told me just as I was going back to the workshop from the toilet. And I was like yes I am. Oh wow yes I am indeed angry. 

Back to my cousins' prayer corner. 我的心，在那安静的阶梯，翻腾着。Words brought forth to restrain the angry cub. I was angry at the church. "We (or rather, I meant 'they') are so deficient, Lord", I cried out. Slow to respond to the pains and needs around us, when we are supposed to transform societies by the vision of shalom.

A challenge, a rebuke and a call to trust:
Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 

Do I love the church, His people? 

Prayer: Let this love burn me in me, set my heart on fire.