chronicles of young

 I called the phase of my life after undergrad was officially over and before I officially started work, The Last Summer. It was, and still is, one of the best times of my life. Facebook has been reminding me through photos from 6 years ago.  6 years on... its this in-between period again. Similarities, but HUGE differences. It isn't the same when you are adulting. Yet at the core of it, I guess things stay the same, even though there are things the world tells me like I need to think about my career development etc.  1. My values stay the same- Fixing my eyes on Christ, imperfectly, but always finding it back to His guiding light 2. My dreams are still important and valid- haha actually this is what prompted me to post here after so long- I really love this song lyrics and the story behind it. The self-doubt, the denial, the tussle within yourself, and the breakthrough to find actualisation.  3. Learning, learning about navigating and cultivating relationships, both...

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II...

 It is so strange isn't it, I am the victim and the person who put that used condom in my bag is the one at fault, but it stirs up so many anxious thoughts about myself and second-guessing what actually happened because it is such a mystery as to how it got into my bag.  My first physical encounter with sexual trauma... but in this broken world as a female the response has a history of other traumas including vicarious ones shared with other females. I think again, in secular language we need male allies. But in God's design, we need males to be good stewards of their relationships with other females- mothers, lady friends, partners.  Particularly in the red light district. This is actually a euphemism for sexual exploitation. Of course me being pointed to by men to be engaged as a sex worker isn't 'wrong' per se. I was standing there with them. I think to myself, is this what it means to renounce myself and identify with them as Jesus did for us? It is still a (sma...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

Stand with HK is something that has been stuck with me in the past few months here. Not in the same meaning that has been used by the protesters, but rather my own making sense of what is happening here to a beloved city I would even call my second home. Today as I was heading back (early before the bloody clash by yet another providence, otherwise I feel like it would be too much to bear in this time), there were armed policemen at Kowloon Tong MTR. Seeing them was enough to make me feel very tense and troubled- something was going to happen. Perhaps I am weak (that is what maybe Satan dupes me to believe), so I may try to reason within myself that it is okay, I haven't seen the most violent and inhuman of things. Going back to Stand with HK , in my stronger moments and at the end of those desperate-despairing 'Maybe I should go home' , I feel like bearing witness to this, caring about the people and the city, is what I can do. Actually I can do nothing. The comple...

Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :> As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset. What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process. I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God. Well, 1 month into thi...

Gamut of feelings. It is quite mysteriously interesting that almost every time I change to a new journal book, it marks another season. Or could it be my mind instinctively marking the seasons as the pages come to an end? Either way, with reflections from the weekend of GRIT camp and other stuffs, I filled up the last page of the book I bought at a hipster bookstore in Xia Men during my 'Last Summer' in 2017. This 'Last Summer' was a series of post-graduation travels before I started what I thought will be a long long season of being a ground social worker. The 2017 social worker that I was had no great dreams, just to survive in the emotionally draining work and do good to the people I served. Fear was what held back all those idealistic thoughts (wouldn't really call them dreams I guess) of social enterprise, community work, research. Shortly afterwards, it was the seemingly inane and objectively busy work that kept these safely in the realm of good thoughts. ...

大姑丈问的这一句仿佛象征着世界会不断问我的问题。 Do I dare to make that resolution again, to wait on the LORD? You know, thinking about the vastness of Your plan for this world and our part in it, my heart is stilled.  Like in Tap Mei Tuk where the cloud-covered mountains and gently lapping waters declare Your glory. How wonderful to know You and walk in Your ways!   "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"  Proverbs 20:24 (NLT)  I am ready to go back home now, to begin work and continue with ministry. There is a place for me there, and I will discover why these doors have been opened.  P.S. I am very happy to share about stuff to do in HK~ It feels like a second home; I've had one of the best times of my life and precious moments of basking in God's creation here.

I'm not even offended, just th ink that Dr Chiu is so cute Aku betul-betul tak suka membincang hubungan dengan lelaki aye. Tapi mesti menghadapi di musim ini aku menyedari. Aku betul-betul menikmati bercakap dengan senior aku tapi tak mahu give the wrong idea. Aye, kenapa sangat rumit? Aku rasa mahu memberitahunya yang jelas tapi tak tahu bagaimana.  "Pepper conversations with 'friend' liberally" (Hahahah this is almost-sad funny) Aku masih percaya semua perkara untuk baik kami yang kekasih Tuhannya. Menggunakan ini untuk keagungannya, Abba. You hold all things together.  Tambahan, aku menyedari aku betul-betul suka Pi. Tak tahu rasanya tapi aku tak bimbang. Kerana dia yang berlari bangsa ini dengan aku. It will come to pass if it will  Sekarang, aku berlari rasa gembira. (used dictionary too many times sighpie I'm gonna have a hard time in class next semester) Perubahan: Aku sangat tak suka ignore kawan aku, tapi seperti mesti, to draw ...