chronicles of young

 "As you read this, I hope you will understand that when I speak of the long night that preceded these days of my happiness, I do not remember grief and loneliness as much as I do peace and comfort -- grief, but never without comfort; loneliness, but never without peace. Almost never."       --- Marilynne Robinson in Gilead Trigger warning: Talk about world events beyond individual control. Skip to after photo if it might be too much :> *** As I begin to write, I am wondering if it is the case that the world just got so much more strife and violence, or that I have merely just 'grown up' to care more and feel more responsible now that I have so much more resources at my disposal compared to when I was a child?  The crises in Yemen and South Sudan which feel like they have become an accepted normal... to the military coup in Myanmar, and now the Taleban takeover in Afghanistan. Instagram is an incongruent source of news, because I follow climate/environme...

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :> As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset. What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process. I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God. Well, 1 month into thi...

Gonna probably read like some haphazardly written post haha what with seemingly disparate things making sense in my brain and me not bothering to process (read: clarify) too much because this is my space. But okay, CG sis prayed that we will ask God for direction first instead of deciding then pray that it will turn out well. And we just had a study on loving the church- and one main thing from that was to use our gifts to build up the church. Here goes- a frivolous song first (though I really like it! Singer, lyrics, poetic metaphors) Love U U　我像孤獨的漁夫 說不出　愛的溫度 很想給你幸福　你卻自我保護 轉彎處　只剩下潮汐之外的荒蕪 This is the first stanza from JJ Lin's Love UU. Obviously this is a sad love song, but its poetry render it even better than just sad- it connotes nostalgic, angst, confused feelings in that one stanza.  Take the last line- I think it means "At the end of all this, what is left is a pile of mess and hurt". But the song uses the metaphor of stormy tides, and it communicate...

Tung Ping Chau, 2015 A random reflection that walking from place to place is like an intentional resistance to our modern culture of efficiency and desire for constant engagement. I realise that in recent years I tend to pack my day to fit in the various things. Which in itself is not evil, and yet too many of these kind of days actually hollows my (our) soul(s). We are not created to function on autopilot, but to feel and glorify God in all that we do. Today was the first Saturday in awhile that I had the whole day largely unplanned- just cousin's housewarming and then my parents and I had a deliciously free day full of things we could explore. We walked so much, and I really enjoyed that I didn't need to check the time to go off elsewhere. Just being present and enjoying the present. A ray of shalom I guess. And yet to remain in the tension- not yet. Was quite grieved when Mum flat outright refused to even look at the evangelistic booklet left at our door.

And with the last day of Project Masterpiece for the commencement ceremonies tomorrow, this chapter in NUS is really really coming to an end. These past few (crazy busy and blessed) days where I have been traversing familiar places in school, the memories attached to those places put a smile on my face as I recount my blessings. Perhaps it is only as we look back that we see, how beautiful the journey has been. But I have been immensely blessed to already know how blessed I am throughout university- because I have a clear vision and purpose for what I hope to do in NUS and where I want to be. With my own commencement this Monday night, graduation suddenly becomes official (I have made a clear promise to myself not to take advantage of student card discounts anymore), which also means the imminence of work. I was reminded of it just now and I almost couldn't bear to think of how my life will be so drastically changed. Will I be jaded and cease to believe in why I started on the...

This was typed during the family trip to Hokkaido; felt like I should just publish it without too much editing-  The petty squabble Articulation of my innermost thoughts that I kept almost hidden from myself. self-righteously judging these people but only realising that I agreed when these thoughts were verbalised. The lone ladies in pink jackets waiting by the roadside. The chiselled figures in tight fitting pants at the tourist spot. The two ladies with their bunny tops Old legs can't walk Caught in between mother and daughter Can a mother and daughter not be able to spend even 5 minutes together? What happened between them I wonder. Hardness of mouth, hearts not seeing the concern behind the scolding words. No country for old men (and women). Thankful for the jacket against the cold wind. Thankful for the pat on the back. The chocolates (but somehow I feel bad taking them because I feel like I deserved it) Thank God for heart and eyes- that break and tender be ...

It is 12.02am and I need to be awake in less than 5.5 hours' time. And I should probably be thinking practically what I have to do for my role as Outreach Coordinator so I can have something to share with my Exco and OCs working with me. Or the fact that I am going to meet NKF to talk about research for my Honours thesis this Friday. But no. I want to write about prayer, how it spoke to me today, even as I prayed. I was asked to pray to close after the segment on ministries in the residences. The significance of that prayer for me was the reaffirmation and genuine faith that God is omniscient, and having that vision on how it looks like for our ministry. We see things only as we are experiencing them (even history is socially constructed based on our own interpretations that is in turn influenced by our backgrounds/values/beliefs), and we don't even see them fully. We are so limited in our sight. Not knowing what lies ahead, I somehow also saw that God uses each of the people...