chronicles of young

LSP is peeking out behind night sky Christmas is 23 days away! Strangely quite excited. Not because I have anything planned on Christmas day, but now that I think about it, the entire season and its feels.  Don't we all have moments where everything feels in sync, where you feel so congruent with where you are and what you are doing there and then? I had many such moments during the 2015 Christmas month-  Choruses of Gloria in excelsis Deo in what feels like perfect harmony as we stood under the highway named euphemistically "Downtown" Dancing in Nepalese traditional clothes at Temple Street Hikes with friends And in 2016 too; though it was a more subdued mood and I wasn't thinking about Christmas at all-  Like the day when I cried when listening/singing "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and yearning for shalom The mornings and nights at Anntic  December this year is gonna be busy and tiring I expect...

Having been a social worker for just close to 2 months, I must first apologise in advance if I make it seem as though I have passed a judgment or sound very coldly cognitive. My peers' very raw experiences of witnessing family violence, together with the Rohingya crisis, stir up visceral emotions of anger, horror and helplessness. Of which, I am quite sure, a few degrees removed I am sure. This week during supervision I was confronted with the fact that I have been engaging the youths I am supposed to counsel in a more cognitive way, when the root of the issue are heart matters like belonging to a family, trust, and feeling loved. "What is happening to you in the counseling room as your client shares this?"  Social work is a spiritual journey, I am sure of it. We, or I, must confront the questions pertaining to God so as to forge ahead more boldly with the people we work with. A lot of these questions start with 'Why'? Ecclesiastes reminded me again of ho...

Currently typing this on phone as I head out of NUS for the last time as a (graduated) student. Went back to drop off the Honours Room key and my heart feels like it wants to linger. I look and finger the key a final time, and tell myself: This season has ended. And with that, the clang of the key and I walked away, no turning back. Walking down the stairs I've climbed countless times (almost always in haste), I reflected that perhaps in this journey, I'll always be discovering that the next season is a more true calling/place I should be. And the previous one is there to prepare me for the next. My heart was screaming for time to stop as the HK exchange ended, and the first few months back were terrible. Yet that season of my life, which has just ended, has been one of the best. (Ha ha ha, guess what, I think I've said that for the other past seasons too). What a beautiful adventure You have called us to, Lord. Joys and trials unimaginable, You show us who ...

又回到这个温暖优美的家。不是我的家不过好像在这短短的 4 天里有那么多美好的时光。不是纯纯快乐的，而是有时带伤感的。 过了一年，回到这个地方，看到自己不是以前的我。 I think I have become in a sense more emotional, more attuned to my own sorrows and even seeing it's beauty. Still like being alone to think and reflect, but I have come to express some of these reflections, because I have learnt that first ministry cannot be done alone and second that there are people who care passionately about the same things too. Hmm the pride is still there but the monster has taken on a different form. I used to not want to share both because of self-protection and the emotional pride: No one cares! Now that I am... So accomplished in the eyes of many, the pride distorts how I view myself. With such great blessing of various strengths comes that thorn in the flesh- and I was reminded again of His all sufficient grace. Power made perfect in weakness, and so let me boast about my weaknesses. Looking and hearing at the new Exco share about their reflections on ministry b...

Ah, Nippon, land of the rising sun. March. Is associated to PhD and a continuation of ministry for me. This PhD to me feels like a door of opportunity, beyond the professional development. Silence leaves me heavy-hearted and much food for thought. Apostasize, and they will live. Apostasize, and you can remain in the land. Abide by the emperor edict, show proper respect to the governor. Render to Caesar what is Caesar, and to God what is God's. Yet a lamp is not hidden but is put on a stand, that those who come in can see the light. The Fallen Priest had a wife and children, and not a mention of Jesus from his lips. To become all things to all men? Silence. Let us behold our God in the silence. To mull these things in the kateware-doki.

I think I will have more thoughts after the Diversity Symposium but writing these down now when I have a pocket of time. Had a pretty good time at Diversity Fest- extrovert mode full on. (Afterward I blasted Chinese songs- 野子! JJ Lin! Jay Chou!- in the computer lab for some downtime) Should I be more dogmatic? That was a question I asked myself over a solitary lunch. Like to be more inclined to share about my faith and beliefs. Today was a good time, talking to different people. Really diversity. There was this girl from Yong Siew Toh (rare!), from China, and Muslim (even more rare). Then Indians who were Christian, one living Dubai. I really enjoyed conversing to them about their life experiences and beliefs :) though yeah, at the end if people asked how many people have I shared the gospel to I would say none. Perhaps that question is arising from a gross overemphasis on direct evangelism- which I almost recoil from. And that's why I get squeamish about anything that ha...

Of grief and joy. "By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept when we remembered Zion." Psalm 137:1 NIV "Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads. There will be no more night. They will not need the light of a lamp or the light of the sun, for the Lord God will give them light. And they will reign for ever and ever." Revelation 22:1‭-‬5 NIV 功夫不深,不过画的满开心的。 可以以画代字, 也是一种祝福。 One of my favorite hymns with added bridge.

I am writing this mostly out of a sense of rage. I feel angry. Very angry. This Monday I first learnt about this revolting phenomenon happening in rural India called the WhatsApp sex videos. This term is even a euphemism for the horrible,terrible, absolutely crazy, heart-twisting thing that is happening. On Monday when I read the BBC article because it was shared by a friend on FB, it was mostly okay. "Read it and weep" was the accompanying blurb my friend wrote. And I did. Before I read it I prayed, prayed that I will still see His Sovereign hand in this (depraved) world. Was then reminded of Isaiah 65: 17-25. "Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy. I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and crying will be heard in it no ...

To be completely honest, I didn't feel very much. In the sense of deep empathy and emotions. Perhaps that's why I am not seized by the urge to write down my experiences. Perhaps it is because it is 'nothing new' to me, having been in social work for 3 years now. I could even tell Bernice, 'I can almost predict the trajectory for Z., that he will go back to drugs again.' (Okay I recall a bit of emotion when I said that) But because I promised Abraham to send him reflections, I shall write stuff down. Thinking back at my own experiences throughout the two days and that of the few others that I heard from, I have been wondering,"What we have achieved?" We have these stories of people. Mostly their sorrows and challenges, but also their joys. What do we do with these stories? I realise that I have this strong, if not easily articulated conviction that we are all connected, each one of us. Don't think it is coincidence that I plucked out The Kingd...

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness." 2 Peter 1:3 ""But sir, " Gideon replied, "if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our fathers told us about when they said, 'Did not the LORD bring us up out of Egypt?' But now the LORD has abandoned us and put us into the hand of Midian." The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?"" Judges 6:13-14

I never really liked Joy from Inside Out, as perky as she was all the time. Maybe precisely because she is perky no matter what. Having to do a programme with Inside Out as the theme, I had analyse and rewatch the movie scenes. The identification sometimes hit too close. The part where Riley finds that things between Meg and her have changed, where Goofy Island crumbled, where Friendship Island crumbled. It was quite ironic, because a main part of the programme was teaching the siblings of special needs children to think positively. Thoughts,feelings and behaviours are interconnected and affect each other. I can choose to think positive thoughts which can change the way I feel about a situation. And there I was, like Riley. Where is the joy? It was a daily question I had to consciously answer when I woke up in the morning. An almost-bitter chew but left a sweet aftertaste that lasted. This (short, now that I reflect on hindsight) period of wretchedness is good for me. I don't know ...

The transformation was complete when I added the green sash to my Nepalese outfit. I was ready to be open and friendly like my friends were.  It was an awesome awesome night. Singing Angels We Have Heard on High, dancing freestyle mimicking the other two's graceful movements, laughing with Adarsh. Just basking in the joy of Christmas, singing Gloria in excelsis Deo and meaning every single line. There is just so much to give thanks and praise to God for. Thank You once again for this Christmas which reminds us of how Your great salvation was in the form of a baby. Jesus, Son of God deigns to step down from His heavenly throne to dwell among sinful man. For this reason, my soul shouts: Alleluia!  I felt so free just dancing like that, enjoying my body, enjoying my movements, enjoying the attention, and the flow between those dancing. Never felt like this before. This must be a bit of what Heaven feels like, no barriers and no strangers. Praise God for the glorious...

The exhilaration was real, The feelings were real,  I thought to myself, Where will all these go. I hid the Christ in me, And threw myself into the potent pool,  Yes enjoyed myself for a moment still. Chasing the wind everyday, Knowing that it was not the way, Running in circles, Refusing to be gathered. The cost is real, The feelings are real, But the goal is greater still. So Abba I pray, Keep me close. 

I remember how much I liked this phrase when we first learnt it in Chinese class. Then in university I learnt the more technical term of cognitive dissonance . And 矛盾 grew larger to occupy permanent brain space. It has always been there as a part of me; I might just have been real comfortable in my own world with its safe goodness in community work and Christian friends. It struck me today: Have I become someone so different? I'm not sure. This uncertainty is telling too. I wish I could be stronger yet I wish it wouldn't have to be so hard. 对与错黑与白，似乎还存在。不过好像是在无情感的空间。安慰自己，深有感触的心活出更微妙的色彩。 还是矛盾。觉得累但是不可以这么容易累但是我真的好想就让河流带着我走。

"Not to be so preoccupied with Why and What God is doing in my life? but rather to just trust in Him to lead us in the right path, walking moment by moment in God's grace and in the fear of the Lord.  This calls for walking by faith, and not by sight. This calls for a very moment-by-moment living, with God and for God. This I believe will eventually unfold, as we look back, into a beautiful picture of God's handiwork in our lives." (Wong, 2015) Typed this on my phone this Wednesday; inspired by a friend's wedding video where they traced their grace-filled lives- So many decisions I made without a clear sign from God. Yet His grace, love and sovereign power worked so beautifully so that I stand today- a child of God.    The very pivotal decision to ultimately chose Social Work. It was kind of a no-brainer then, and now. But I have asked myself (and still do sometimes), can I love this much, can I see the deepest hurts and still say that God is go...

I am going to present in the AGM in  an hour's time and just did a quick run through but I still feel like I need to process my thoughts first. Spent a long time on the poolside chair at Y Rooftop today- thinking, praying, sensing within myself. I think it is also the many things that happened all at once that pushed me to just stop and think. I need space. It can be self-centred at first, this need, but in the end something comes through from God. So today found out that: - Agnes' cousin who had slipped into coma and the family needed to make a decision on whether to take her off life support. - Belvia's friend whose mum had died after a brain tumour operation - My intentions to serve, to journey with the committee I am working with has been misunderstood (I had vibes about it but I have been putting off confronting these feelings) - The Pres is quite a nice person whom I can open up to (but I didn't really until the latter half of the lunch) - I stil...

The theme of these past 4 days in Shang Hai. No coincidences with God; 1 Corinthians 8 was my QT reading as I held on to my luggage on the near-empty morning train. "Knowledge puffs up, but love builds up." Some thoughts before I knock out: 1. Was struggling with whether I should make this blog private or at least remove its link from my FB (which I had put in vain intentions in the first place).  2. But the purpose of this blog now is really to edify people- that my walk with God can encourage and spur other Christians on towards love and good deeds, and be a testimony to those who have yet to know Christ. 3. But but but, other than my dear friends Clemmy, Jas and Bennie if you know me personally and are reading this now please please don't discuss any of the blog's content with me. Thanks. (This is meant to be an absolute, non-negotiable request: please give my autonomous face) 4. Other than that, I am fine with being out in the open. Not ...

 /idiom/ A common Singapore phrase Used superficially to hide hurts and deflect further questions Used self-righteously to say that though one is hurt/wronged, one is benevolent while wishing hard that the other party is seen as an asshole  Used impatiently to prevent others from doing the work one knows he/she can do in a fraction of the time, not thinking about building others up Used as one ought to, to say simply: God is in control, and therefore all is well 

In our end is our beginning// In our time infinity 耶稣说【手扶着犁向后看的，不配进神的国。】 路加福音9：62 Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." Luke 9:62 In our death a resurrection// At the last a victory 你心若向饥饿的人发怜悯，是困苦的人得满足，你的光就必在黑暗中发现；你的幽暗必变如 正午 。以赛亚书58：10 "and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday." Isaiah 58:10 Unrevealed until its season// Something God alone can see 因我活着就是基督，我死了就有益处。腓立比书1：21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21 Truth be told, I would love to die now. I am content as it is in the silence between one thought and the next. Yet the silence cannot hold. It cannot hold and I will not die but wait patiently for the Lord.

"In repentance and rest  is your salvation,      in quietness and trust  is your strength" Isaiah 30:15,NIV Home is the place.