1 month in, 4 months in
Just happened to read this post 'Not Settling' when I went to self-stalk like I often do. Quite apt for today :>
As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset.
What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process.
I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God.
Well, 1 month into this PhD journey in Hong Kong, 4 months into this adventure with b0Bear, I guess there has also been a redefinition of what 'not settling' meant:
- 'Not settling' with letting b0Bear have a lesser understanding just cos I don't want to spend energy to explain and clarify
- 'Not settling' on my old ways of doing/enjoying life, but opening a space that is with him
But yes, largely I have experienced see how this living life with all its tensions, wrestling with being uncomfortable, has brought me (us) to better places. Relationally, I have grown deeper in knowing and loving God, and people have grown deeper in knowing and loving me (and me, them).
God is good :)
As I remember, I wrote this post with mixed feelings, 9 days before I said Yes to b0Bear (and that purely because it was a nice sunny day, and he wanted a day to mark). I was already decided in my heart that I was going to say Yes to him but well... still kinda reluctant to change the status quo because it meant giving up my independent "I do not need to be accountable to you, you are not my Dad" mindset.
What it meant in my brain: (1) Accountable for whereabouts, time spent with people etc, and (2) Needing to be patient, spend effort to explain my inner workings/thoughts/feelings where previously in my own space I could just be content with journalling things down to process.
I was also (very) afraid, of being lulled into 'settling' with someone and not living to the fullest in taking risks, both for self and God.
Well, 1 month into this PhD journey in Hong Kong, 4 months into this adventure with b0Bear, I guess there has also been a redefinition of what 'not settling' meant:
- 'Not settling' with letting b0Bear have a lesser understanding just cos I don't want to spend energy to explain and clarify
- 'Not settling' on my old ways of doing/enjoying life, but opening a space that is with him
But yes, largely I have experienced see how this living life with all its tensions, wrestling with being uncomfortable, has brought me (us) to better places. Relationally, I have grown deeper in knowing and loving God, and people have grown deeper in knowing and loving me (and me, them).
God is good :)
Comments