Chronicles of (feeling not so) Young

 I realised I felt sad through the praise offering songs- the poignant lyrics made me cry. Yearning for the day without strife and striving amidst this world of evil and sin- crying on the stories shared yesterday, crying on how we fought over what is supposedly (and is, I guess) a good thing of serving others. Perhaps more crying on the dis-shalom that is our task, and yet the helplessness we have in our own puny strength and weak natures. 

"God, I need strength to sing a new song"- halfway through singing my voice trailed off- I felt so weak to sing a fresh praise and trust into the situation, believing that God is truly working all things for good and that hope will be realized.

After this phase of realising I felt sad, moved on to anger (haha musing whether this is stage-wise thing like grief). I feel angry! Angry thoughts about the situation and maybe at myself for "not being able to say certain things to rebutt" in that instance. Seems like the inner adult is reprimanding the placating/frozen child for the latter part. Remembered the COAL principle- curious, open, accepting and loving- to attend to my inner community. 

Ah, I needed the space and I can have my space without needing to care about what others think if I don't reply their texts soon. They can manage by themselves with their resources too. I do not need to take responsibility for them, as I am also learning not to put responsibility on others for things under my stewardship- emotions included, 

Bathing is quite a good space- the phrase "Catching foxes that ruin the vineyard" came to mind, and the instant I remembered the evil one's work to rupture relationships, almost all the anger/resentment was released. Thankful also that the surprise care delivery came- another thread to hold onto when the anger makes the negative bigger and squeezes out the big picture.

 We are dealing with principalities here. I can hold on to what I hope can be changed or addressed, with inner compassionate control. The world insists on winning, yet I seek again, to draw on my Shepherd and gracious Host (Psalm 23). 

Postscript:

1. The convo did not go as imagined- haha... that I can give a wry chuckle about it now signals a recovery phase, thanks to me finally overcoming the inertia to share with another friend, through the strength/hope from God. 

2. Thankful for the Psalms again- indeed they speak for us. Supposed to read Psalm 60 in the curriculum but I didn't think I could do a communal lament Psalm, then saw Psalm 61

"from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I" 真的是我的心声

3. My inner child needed a hug and to cry in pain in a compassionate presence; yet also accepting that it was beyond the other's resources.. from feeling forced to accept it (can't-listen-anger, anxious, fast heartbeats from child crying out in abandonment) to finding my safe place in the physical environment and imagining Abba Father holding me, finally accepting this is a significant step forward :') Child not being suppressed but co-existing peacefully with the adult who can hold gentle space for little her

4. I was also reminded of my struggling friends.. For whom I have not had the strength to have the desire to enter into their inner world. It feels like the hurt child side of them mirrors mine. Reminded of these few lines from a book excerpt I read recently- the shared humanity and empathy speaks to me:

"No society can understand itself without looking at its shadow side. I believe there is one addiction process, whether it is manifested in the lethal substance dependencies of my Downtown Eastside patients; the frantic ­self-­soothing of overeaters or shopaholics; the obsessions of gamblers, sexaholics and compulsive Internet users; or the socially acceptable and even admired behaviours of the workaholic. Drug addicts are often dismissed and discounted as unworthy of empathy and respect. In telling their stories my intent is twofold: to help their voices to be heard and to shed light on the origins and nature of their ­ill-­fated struggle to overcome suffering through substance abuse. They have much in common with the society that ostracizes them. If they seem to have chosen a path to nowhere, they still have much to teach the rest of us. In the dark mirror of their lives, we can trace outlines of our ­own." (emphasis mine)

- From In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté