One Month (minus 2 days)

into this thing called married life. 

I wonder how I am gonna maintain general hygiene, do well at work, keep in touch with friends, visit family regularly (4 parents now.. quite terrible but I'm kinda thankful I don't have another set of grandparents), have quiet reflective time with God, keep up with ministry stuffs, and be intentional about God's calling for me in missions. 

The last bit is the one that I feel more strongly in recent times while the skeptical side of me says its just because its Mission month in church. But I've always known since I became a Christian that I am moved to see people from least reached peoples come to know Christ, I just don't know how this translates to action. Especially now that I feel more keenly that I am not my own- yet may that remind me of a higher calling: "You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." (1 Cor 6:19b-20); and "I am under obligation both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to the wise and to the foolish." (Rom 1:14). 

The speaker today explained the obligation or debt in Rom 1:14 with the analogy of a man being in debt to another man because a third person had given him $1000 to be given to this second man. That made a lot of sense, our debt of love (Rom 13:8). 

I am also grateful that he emphasised how much he really couldn't do all these things, but it was through being obedient to each instruction from God. 

In writing this, I want to remind myself not to fear. God who told me that He cares so much more for His children than I do more than 5 years ago, will be the One who calls and enables us both. In the meantime, to trust that He is doing His work in the ordinary joys, struggles and routines. 

Thankful for what feels like a deepening tie to missions in church; thankful to have our two missional and relational pastors. Even as I write this, I am unsure if I will be in this church long-term. Returning to this draft again just a few hours later, this uncertainty is even more real... the sense of anticipatory grief is there.. I really need God's help to even try out the other church with an open heart for the planned 4 weeks. 

Yet what can be certain about the next day or even the next moment, if I think closely about it? The false sense of control because God is gracious and patient with us in the background. Yet He is the One who turns the earth through another day. And I remind myself that God is present in all churches that seek to obey His will, and in each person I see. 

Still.. perhaps I feel heavy also from a good friend's grandpa's passing and another's husband (whose daughter I'm godmother of) in critical condition. And a bit of the sense of foreboding of the week to come.. God help me Lord. Hold me and my emotions together that I may not sin against You in thought or words or actions. 

I can cry. It'll be alright.