The Long Way of Love

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving. 

Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone. 

It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally. 

The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier. 

At the same time, there is also the negotiation of my own expectations. Is it too much sometimes becomes am I too much? And it feels like the outside voices from others reinforce that as well. What can I expect.. should I expect nothing? The latter also shouldn't be the case. Perhaps its lessening the weight of the voices (that were said in anger or unhappiness) that say that I am expecting too much. Remembering that the people who love me want to meet my needs and be there for me too, perhaps they don't really know how to in a way that fits at that point, or that they as human beans also need some refreshing water themselves. 

It felt really nice to go to the 24h supermarket to look at groceries and check out the different products, mindlessly walking around. I also gave myself a $5 challenge to buy the best thing out of everything within $5, and felt proud of myself for setting such a fun challenge for myself. As I walked in the pace I wanted, the way I wanted to pull the trolley long, took the time I wanted to check out a section, it felt like a kind of reflection that perhaps I haven't really done these things for myself in awhile. Travelling solo or with intimate friends fulfilled a bit of that, but obviously 2020 isn't a year for this. 

Perhaps it was my own belief as well? Thinking that now that I have a partner, it would be great to do stuff like these I wanted together. But maybe that is too much to constantly expect, and I can delight in having my own oasis without fearing like others may think there is something wrong with our relationship which spills over to become my fear. 

Haha there is really something I need to process more... the past 2 days have been teary-weary as I try to cry quietly in my room at different stuffs 😂 Growth in being able to communicate a bit there and then with people... undoing some faulty belief walls built up by protective Ms Sneaky (the foxy lady I have named a part of my internal thought process in the vein of self-application of narrative therapy haha). 

I am glad, thankful that today I am not flying off. And today is a day worth celebrating because of how God has smoothened the way and reminded me of how His way is also such a long way of love, with us.