The Life Look

"O GOD,
I bless thee for the happy moment when I first saw
   thy law fulfilled in Christ,
   wrath appeased,
   death destroyed,
   sin forgiven,
   my soul saved.
Ever since, thou hast been faithful to me;
   daily have i proved the power of Jesus' blood,
   daily have I known the strength of the Spirit,
        my teacher, director, sanctifier.
I want no other rock to build upon than that I have,
   desire no other hope than that of gospel truth,
   need no other look than that which gazes on the cross.
Forgive me if I have tried to add anything to the one foundation,
                   if I have unconsciously relied upon my knowledge,
                         experience, deeds and not seen them as filthy rags,
                   if I have attempted to complete what is perfect in Christ;
May my cry be always, Only Jesus! only Jesus!
In him is freedom from condemnation,
               fullness in his righteousness,
               eternal vitality in his given life,
               indissoluble union in fellowship with him;
In him I have all that I can hold;
    enlarge me to take in more.
If I backslide, 
    let me like Peter weep bitterly and return to him;
If I am tempted, and have no wit,
    give me strength enough to trust in him;
If I am weak,
    may I faint upon his bosom of eternal love;
If in extremity,
    let me feel that he can deliver me;
If driven to the verge of hope and to the pit of despair,
    grant me grace to fall into his arms.
O God, hear me, do for me more than I ask, think, or dream."

(emphasis mine)

[The Valley of Vision: A Collection of Puritan Prayers and Devotions]

The first thought upon waking up in the morning usually tells you a lot about your inner state. 

For me today, I woke up worrying. It was a great morning- golden sunlight casting soft waves on my wall- something I would really want to lie in bed looking at. But I was worrying. 

Okay, I remembered in a previous post I said that I wanted to foster the culture of vulnerability, by being vulnerable myself. This is hard to say:

I was worrying about my future- very specifically, whether I will ever find a partner whom I can share a vision with. Somehow my brain has synthesised, based on experience, personal beliefs and knowledge, that going to Hong Kong to do a PhD will be an affront to this desire. So I feel: uncertain, fearful, alone. 

It's been said so many times that this statement can trigger/stumble many, but really that is the truth that I find so hard to grasp - God knows perfectly what I need, what is good for me.

Opening that prayer book which had so many prayers/devotions I haven't read, I somehow flipped this the one above, drawn by the title. It really spoke to me, assured me. 

I think I was really also afraid of failing in that foreign land- failing at meeting expectations in the PhD, failing to do meaningful work that excites and makes an impact, failing to have friends whom I can hang out with. That prayer drew these out.

I think, perhaps God put me through this process to surface all these insecurities. I think, actually it doesn't really matter if I get accepted or rejected/forbidden to defer my bond.  

What can I say, except (an imperfect) hallelujah?