Second 'Last Summer' // At The Turn of Seasons

Gamut of feelings. It is quite mysteriously interesting that almost every time I change to a new journal book, it marks another season. Or could it be my mind instinctively marking the seasons as the pages come to an end?

Either way, with reflections from the weekend of GRIT camp and other stuffs, I filled up the last page of the book I bought at a hipster bookstore in Xia Men during my 'Last Summer' in 2017. This 'Last Summer' was a series of post-graduation travels before I started what I thought will be a long long season of being a ground social worker. The 2017 social worker that I was had no great dreams, just to survive in the emotionally draining work and do good to the people I served.

Fear was what held back all those idealistic thoughts (wouldn't really call them dreams I guess) of social enterprise, community work, research. Shortly afterwards, it was the seemingly inane and objectively busy work that kept these safely in the realm of good thoughts. Yet there were small opportunities to work on them through these 2 years, good good Father. And then, the open door to move into a new season which satisfied my adventuring heart and intellection.

If doing a PhD while thinking it should just be a major sideline job so that I can do other stuffs is crazy, I guess it's more crazy to do that on top of entering into a working-towards-marriage relationship. (Refuse to call it BGR haha)
But then I guess my relationship with God has largely been marked with milestones of doing crazy things that I felt were right in Him. With much much larger risks this time (or so I think, but perhaps it has always felt like that with each risk), I struggle with full surrender.

"He brings us to the place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate. He then providentially produces a crisis where we have to decide—for or against. That moment becomes a great crossroads in our lives."  -Oswald Chambers

Came across this quote posted on YMI amidst mindless habitual scrolling on Instagram and felt it was quite fitting at this turn of seasons. Recalled the times where I had to choose- to despair, distrust, and work anxiously or to hope, trust and work from a posture of rest. Even just this morning as I felt that sense of grief and surge of angry doubts rising up after watching the MSF video on refugees from Africa. Would I still choose to believe that God is sovereign and active in that place?

Haven't fully processed those emotions from this morning yet; but remembering the face of Jesus and how he can identify with the depths of pain and sorrow. And so, in the last page of that journal, I thanked God for such grief.