It is so strange isn't it, I am the victim and the person who put that used condom in my bag is the one at fault, but it stirs up so many anxious thoughts about myself and second-guessing what actually happened because it is such a mystery as to how it got into my bag.
My first physical encounter with sexual trauma... but in this broken world as a female the response has a history of other traumas including vicarious ones shared with other females. I think again, in secular language we need male allies. But in God's design, we need males to be good stewards of their relationships with other females- mothers, lady friends, partners.
Particularly in the red light district. This is actually a euphemism for sexual exploitation. Of course me being pointed to by men to be engaged as a sex worker isn't 'wrong' per se. I was standing there with them. I think to myself, is this what it means to renounce myself and identify with them as Jesus did for us? It is still a (small) trauma for me nonetheless.
May Jesus' blood cover me- that was prayed over me and by me as I struggled with feelings of disgust and defilement, thinking about what could possibly be going through the mind of the person who did it. God revealed a deeper meaning I failed to grasp later on- Jesus' blood which covers me was shed so painfully at the cross, the Righteous for the unrighteous. I saw in my mind, my sins and also the sin of this person, weighing Jesus down on the cross, making each breath He took so so painful. And that has made me clean, regardless of what I think or what I think b0bear might think when negative imagination strikes.
That was my redeeming thought I think... that stills me when I feel angry or unjust at how the person won't be caught and can possibly do it again. I want to pray for the person's salvation. That helps me to calm down when I didn't get the response I wanted from b0bear and try to empathise with how he must be affected too... even though my flesh was like 'Hello, I thought I was the victim here'. To appreciate him for being there and empathising with me ❤
Can I thank God genuinely for the deeper identification with Jesus? A part of me does indeed thank Him. I do pray also that it will be a building foundation for my relationship with b0bear.. learning to withstand spiritual attacks and discouragements together.
Ending off with this song, In A Little While- fits so aptly with how I am feeling- both okay and not okay. And that is how it is living in this broken world I guess... oh more like Jesus to be