chronicles of young

Part I  "Sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" (2 Cor 6:10) A verse that came to mind these recent days. From one understanding to another understanding, I believe I am growing to see and embrace what it means. Even though it is my weak fleshly state that causes me to sorrow at times, or not rejoice or be sorrowful at other times. Yet by God's grace, from understanding to understanding.  You have surely bottled up our tears, Lord. Why would You delight in us, even our tinged attempts to pursue good? Only because You are good, and Your steadfast love is indeed better than life.  In the small moments of providence, Your love shines through.. You are very cool indeed, God. This seemingly random pic of the tissue provided at Penny's is an example. I was angry and upset, but You reminded and stirred up my affectionate side through this. And in that split moment, I felt like I could forgive all things, bear all things, be willing to lay down myself. And that joy in it.  Part II...

 hello darkness, you are not my friend there is some comfort in knowing, i am not exceptional. i don't want to be exceptional right now, i longingly look at another's life,  and wish it were mine.  maybe i will be happy just doing a waitressing job? or any other job that isn't so demanding. but the depths of darkness whisper: you are just not strong to tahan. there is some comfort in knowing, my temptations are common to man, many are the days we long wishfully, to be at one with our beds. hello darkness, you are not my friend. hello darkness, you tell me that i am but man

More reflections in the face of looming deadline (15 Aug, and actually I can plead 1 week extension or not submit the 'best', will get to that later on) + fast BPM and tense shoulders, locked left jaw signaling anxiety. I feel sorry to my body- "Thank you for sticking in it through in there"- I hope my body receives this. Feels a bit like bad time management to be writing this in the face of work- but I know it works, and I lean into the part of me that sees that my 'success' thus far has been to do what might seem counter-intuitive. On top of the emotional turbulence from the conflict and consequent perception of relationship fall-out that I am trying to calm (not too badly), yesterday I had to meet with a young child in emotional distress. Asking God why lol, does He really think I have the capacity to deal with all these? I will have the eventual victory; He is sovereign through it all- waiting on this. He was crying so hard, the fight for connection I felt...

 I realised I felt sad through the praise offering songs- the poignant lyrics made me cry. Yearning for the day without strife and striving amidst this world of evil and sin- crying on the stories shared yesterday, crying on how we fought over what is supposedly (and is, I guess) a good thing of serving others. Perhaps more crying on the dis-shalom that is our task, and yet the helplessness we have in our own puny strength and weak natures.  "God, I need strength to sing a new song"- halfway through singing my voice trailed off- I felt so weak to sing a fresh praise and trust into the situation, believing that God is truly working all things for good and that hope will be realized. After this phase of realising I felt sad, moved on to anger (haha musing whether this is stage-wise thing like grief). I feel angry! Angry thoughts about the situation and maybe at myself for "not being able to say certain things to rebutt" in that instance. Seems like the inner adult is ...

 Today is Easter Saturday- the in-between that reminds us Christians that we are living in a world where the glorious Light and Living Hope has dawned, but that it is still Not- Yet though not far.  I attended a memorial service of a dear sister's aunt this afternoon. I only have vague memories of her from attending IBC services in 2015, and last week I was quite emotionally vulnerable from the brokenness already that I dreaded to attend. But thank God, by Tues I submitted my conference paper and it just made everything better- plus past few days of connecting with different friends.  Anyway, I cried quite a bit- I really could see the legacy of Aunty through my friend and their family. Their family had always been such hospitable people to me and others in the church, and my friend had always been this sweet presence. Learning how Aunty had sown into their lives made me think: Wow, would people say this of me at my funeral next time? The testimony of her legacy was reall...

 Realised I haven't posted here for awhile. I'm still writing though. And even video-journalling, though that was quite weird and my phone didn't have enough space haha. Where I am now: Sitting at V's desk, looking out at the rain, listening to BeigeMellow playlist. Feet very cold even with knitted socks. Warm oolong tea never felt soul good. Looking at the poloroid of bobear and me, taken 5 Dec 2020 in Chinatown, after we patched up after a(nother) conflict. Thinks to self: We have grown. I have grown. I put that above image as my laptop wallpaper to really ground myself with the fact that God is here. I look at the paintings and am reminded of different things: 1. HK's tumultous events since 2019, still unfolding now as I experience it also 2. God's sovereign hand still in this, though these things are too great for my heart to comprehend or hold. I shall be humble and pray. 3. Abba Father's blessings through the years- the right painting a glorious remini...