chronicles of young

I miss the sun, and its warmth.  I miss being able to catch you on short dates, even when we both are tired. So we can just eat and not talk, but we eventually end up talking anyway. I miss my bed, my bedroom where I have all my knick knacks and crafty things. And my plants- Spung, 乐乐, Zazzy, Christmas. Lying on the hotel bed just now, I thought: "Where do the tears go? Where do they flow?" Does crying over homesickness, loneliness, identifying with unnamed strangers out there, brokenness, end with something?  I cannot know in this world, but I know I shall in eternity... Perhaps for this reason, tears can flow freely. Otherwise, it is such a waste to be so tired and worn out crying alone. I might as well head home, stay home.  But I am here. I am here and.. I am just here. Will I stay, can I stay.. one step at a time. "Show me the way that I should go, for to you I lift up my soul... Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level gro...

The past few weeks (or is it months? I don't know how long this 感触 took to surface) have seen me journeying with myself, the significant people in my life, and their significant other indirectly through the adventure of loving.  Sometimes, I felt so tired of myself and the process- “真的很麻烦” And that was a very relatable sentiment my friend expressed yesterday. Perhaps it is easier to be alone.  It is tiring to feel like I need to change/ accommodate for the other human bean, and to feel sucky that I feel that its tiring, and to feel like I just want to be who I am naturally.  The need to check my assumptions and words, to seek to love in a way that honors & accepts the person, even if I don't agree with some things they do or when it triggers an emotional reaction. Or even to think about how to frame my words when I feel really down, hurt or disappointed about stuff. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to do it anymore, disconnecting feels easier.  At the same ti...

There was once a family with two children. They were born just two years apart and their parents were so happy to have a complete family with both a boy and a girl.The parents loved the children very much and did not hesitate to give them what they needed. So although the siblings fought, and the little girl even once scratched him so hard it bled, they knew that they were a happy family.  One day however, the older brother discovered that he had no heart. He found out when he could not cry after he was bullied. He knew that it should hurt, but he was like an empty can. When the parents saw the red marks on his arms, they felt so upset that they wanted to shred the bully to pieces. But Mother kept quiet, because she knew that he had no heart. And he did not have a heart because when the children were very young, Mother had took his heart out. This was so that he will not feel any pain because Father was very very sick at that time, and he loved his father very much. The girl too lo...

Feels good to break through the temptation to watch Kim's Convenience to laugh away things (it's really funny and relatable btw haha). To sit with God, create and express.  This was in response to the theme/prompt: A Loss. A new song just released by SOP is quite apt too :') Check it out . FYI: You can get this art therapy journal here . :) 

There is a lament I hear it's weeping Rising from my chest It is the lament of a discriminated,  downtrodden people It is the lament of the wounded helpers, It is the lament of those who have lost loved ones It is the lament of a woman trying to prove herself There is lament, LORD "I am here." "I am here." "Know that I am here."

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

Hey!  I was thinking about adulting (lol yes I am not quite over the fact that I am an adult, and have to say that I am in my late-20s gah) over breakfast yesterday. And since it was your birthday, my thoughts as a birthday gift of sorts haha! Was just mulling how I got a bit anxious about wasted time cos I woke up at 12pm, and then it hit me that it was stemming from the belief that I need to make things work. Like somehow, as an adult, the stakes are higher- don't waste time cos if I do, I will lose out or the world will be a lesser place etc. Perhaps adulthood got a bit burdensome because it felt like the stakes/risks are progressively higher; and it is not okay to fail. Like, don't 'waste time' with this guy if you are not gonna marry him, or I've gotta make my PhD work else I'll be wasting my time. Or I've gotta care about this social issue because its my role as an adult who has the resources to help. Haha not sure if I'm making sense but anyway ...

A bike is also youth Ke mana? Stop where? Beams of glee To be at safe distance Absorbing Vit D Albeit with some dissonance (The Shoppes is empty and Aunty is masked up) It is sad beautiful Such lovely yellow Amidst this They will come again next year, yes He went into the sea Is he bathing Or is he swimming? The best of times The worst of times

"我祈禱擁有一顆透明的心靈 和會流淚的眼睛"  <夜空中最亮的星> The rest of the lyrics are unrelated; just putting this song here also as a sound memory for the precious times on the road in KL, talking about random stuffs over Chinese songs. The beauty of carefree youth :') But just as the 14-day stay home after the KL trip reminds me that things aren't about me, I know that it's childishly unloving to remain in the rose-tinted memories of past adventures. Yet, I believe that this adventure-loving, foolhardy part of me has also been very helpful in pushing me to just try something, as long I believed in it enough at the start. But playing on a harder mode each time, God. Let my heart of worship be there when all is stripped away, and I feel like the end of myself. Almost a quarter of 2020 gone. Somehow I feel like this year is so much more trying than all the other years I can remember in my life. I felt like I had lost a bit of that excited, risk-taking self, and in its...

"Hevel, hevel, everything is utterly hevel" - book of Ecclesiastes Hevel is a Hebrew word which refers to vapor or smoke, rendering it in this context the dual meanings of ephemeral and a mystery/paradox. Questioning the meaninglessness of things, yet wanting 'real purpose' for my life, I went to the book of Ecclesiastes. The above has been in Draft mode since early December 2019, and now it is 2020. With much trepidation and an unusual amount of dread, I face the future of 2020. I guess that is made worse by the slew of Instagram posts welcoming 2020 but that is a separate issue about social comparison. Yet today's meetup with the Exco girls though filled with pregnant silences at times when we sit (I think) in our own musings about our lives, was soul-strengthening in a way, and I am reminded of the beauty of fellowship- grace that holds me fast 'amidst life's fearful path'. I am grateful for vision to be lifted, for validation in a way. Tha...