chronicles of young

It was just 30 cents but I was so proud to be my Daddy's daughter <3 The girl in front of us was going to not buy the bananas because she didn't have enough money, so my Dad topped up for her :') Just today I was thinking about how my parents have brought us up to be so socially conscious- my mum and I laughed at this bawling kid yesterday, and she shared that we have never made a scene in public like this because there will be severe repercussions. That's right I approve, give no chance. That's why I'm among the stricter teachers in Sunday School. At the same time I thought: Then the experience of grace has worn away the accumulated layers of 恥 ( haji /shame).  Various disparate thoughts. No point trying to weave a common narrative thread. I love how I can still be a kid in my parents' eyes, even as I share some of the family burdens as a young adult now. Sometimes I will just call my mum/dad for no reason, I can still playfully fistbump my dad...

Thankful. That I can say that I appreciate my 大姑丈 after today's trip with him to the hospital with 奶奶. We really worked together to ensure that the old one was able to clean her teeth and do a X-Ray properly. She is still very strong despite the age and we were struggling to stop her from pushing away those dental contraptions in her valiant attempt to abort the somewhat distressing process. I can see how much thought he put into this whole process of caregiving. 有很多细节要照顾. While I was thankful for that, I think it was only today that I started to appreciate him as a person. He is really, as the taxi uncle said, 好好先生. Notwithstanding that I still don't really fancy the long messages (those mass forward chain message kind), I appreciate the thought behind him sending them. Will not forget the back view of him wearing the apron, holding 奶奶 up in the X-Ray room while constantly encouraging her to stand, lean forward etc. 真是好多细节要照顾。

Ayeeee. It has been an eventful day. Actually I was in NUS the whole day like a boring but the conversations over WA/email were anything but. Of thankfulness, flipped back to the start of my current journal this morning and amazed at God's faithfulness in these short few months since December. Talking to my SW/life mentor about the upcoming lunchtime talk, about ministry in PGP, meeting Dr Calvin, even help from a senior for the policy project. He has blessed me with such wonderfully made people :') Of grief (and hope), a dear friend's uncle's passing. Reminded of my own aunt, my grandma too. Of joy and adventure. I just booked the ticket to Hanoi today whoop. To visit Hagar , an international NGO that engages with sex trafficking issues. Afterward I reflected, I actually haven't given much thought into this. Impulsive impulsive me I guess reframing you can say it is a kind of gung ho-ness but let me not get ahead of God. Of satisfaction, at the day's...

One benefit of being a student is that your time is sectioned nicely into semesters, and I am now midway into my final one in NUS. Kisah ada pahit, ada manis, tapi Tuhan membuat segala sesuatu indah pada waktunya (Pengkhotbah 3:11, TB). Wrapping up this week with intentional quiet reflection and self-examination. Our gracious God has reminded me about the 3 resolutions I had for 2017 . A broken hallelujah to You, my King. To be honest, when my uncle began his series of text messages that was sending the implicit message of me not caring enough for my family, I was (1) frustrated (2) indignant (3) prideful and resistant (4) almost hateful. I was like: What more do you want?! What more do you want from me, God? And, who are you to tell me what to do, can't you see I am doing good work? Aren't I already making the effort? (Doesn't help that I was already feeling quite shaken from something else and that uncle was being indirect) Even now I find it difficult to reply ...

一个美好的早晨。吃着慢煎糕 （因为昨天在美食节目上看到厦门的慢煎糕好好吃）。我告诉妈妈，和表妹因为婆婆开始的Google 照片文件夹，有一张大姨的照片，照得好像模特儿，好美。妈妈说，你跟她讲，以后一定买好吃的给你吃。（哈哈我在爸妈眼里一直还是贪吃鬼） 过后我说，要找一个适合的旅行，不用走太多路，但也不是很轻松，带婆婆去。  妈妈就说，带她去越南咯！爸爸插进一句：她哪都想去，要你们带她去。  啊，不懂婆婆有没有跟你讲，以前有个邻居，现在中了Parkinson's，婆婆去看她，一直流眼泪，好心痛。她的手指鸡爪一样，虽然脑袋清醒可是不能动。我就跟她说咯，不要懒惰，现在可以走的时候就不要一直呆在家里。  这个阿婶是有读书的，是她们当中的 leader 这样。 记得以前折报纸做纸袋, 以前哪里有plastic bag! 还有那些喝水的袋子，那些绳子都是手工串，绑的，现在都是机器 liao。100 个，两毛钱，补贴家用。我们还是比其他孩子幸运的啦，婆婆没有叫我们一定要做，喜欢做就做一下，没有说要在家里不可以出门。 哇，还有以前都是一块儿的，有个卖lor mai gaai 的，不知道她的名就叫她 lor mai gaai 阿姨。新年的时候，有一个邻居做kueh bangkit, 就会招我们：来啊来啊！以后久了就像一个commitment 了，每次都帮她。就在家门口烧炭，现在做这样，一定 tio complain! 她新年就一定会买一件新衣上门。 Ah Leng Ah Peng 的爸爸她们小时候就带到婆婆那边，拜拜就上班了。公公在家的时候就会带她们去kindergarten，会买吃的给她们，所以也是跟公公很亲。  哦，公公也是每次买东西给我吃。公公说的，卖烧肉的，说这个baby 很可爱，就切烧肉给你吃。你这个贪吃的就吃了。  好啦，快点喝完一起洗，不要浪费水。

Saya tidak tahu betapa bangga saya. Saya kini boleh berdoa hanya, Tuhan menjaga keamanan, Holy Spirit be upon the very weak me dan membantu saya untuk merendah diri. Seperti Yesus, beliau seperti buah padi makin berisi makin rendah. Wow perkataan itu merendah. The actual bending/bowing down. Betul, biarlah saya merendah diri. To forget myself, this broken weak self. I need to admit that there was a lot of self involved. Pride- my greatest enemy how I hate it to its very core. Collateral beauty- in a sense saya mesti terima kasih kepada Tuhan kerana melalui situasi ini saya boleh memeriksa diri saya. Dan boleh merasa bagaimana kawan-kawan saya berasa tentang semua ini. Thank God that He has shown me how indeed all my good works are like filthy rags. I have been reflecting: Saya berjalan di sini, di situ- tetapi have I been running well? I can only give all praise to Abba who has taken these filthy rags by His grace, for His glory. Tengah hari ini tidak senang- bapa saudara imply...

It is actually raining right now, and I reluctantly close my windows to stop the rain from wetting the matte floor. Nyanian hujan betul-betul menarik hati irama, hujan di lantai konkrit menangkanku. 终于听见下雨的声音，于是我的世界被吵醒 Reminds me of my first love, how I am seeking to let my perspective be changed to mirror God's- and it's a kind of awakening, to a far better, rain-washed world. Mercy drops round me are falling, but for the showers we plead. This genius knows that love causes someone begin to take on the loved's lens. 窗台上滴落的雨滴，轻敲着伤心，凄美而动听 (this line is so beautiful look at the nuances and metaphorisation in the Chinese language and culture) Brings me back to yesterday's Diversity Symposium :') Much feels 好感动 sangat terharu. Being in front of everyone was initially quite D: but after I got over being self-conscious (the blazer and choker and looking good helped alot, superficial I know) I really enjoyed looking at these people there. Taking notes, listening int...

I think I will have more thoughts after the Diversity Symposium but writing these down now when I have a pocket of time. Had a pretty good time at Diversity Fest- extrovert mode full on. (Afterward I blasted Chinese songs- 野子! JJ Lin! Jay Chou!- in the computer lab for some downtime) Should I be more dogmatic? That was a question I asked myself over a solitary lunch. Like to be more inclined to share about my faith and beliefs. Today was a good time, talking to different people. Really diversity. There was this girl from Yong Siew Toh (rare!), from China, and Muslim (even more rare). Then Indians who were Christian, one living Dubai. I really enjoyed conversing to them about their life experiences and beliefs :) though yeah, at the end if people asked how many people have I shared the gospel to I would say none. Perhaps that question is arising from a gross overemphasis on direct evangelism- which I almost recoil from. And that's why I get squeamish about anything that ha...

正有点不开心地折这些卡片， 我的阿爸走进我的房间。  手拿着药膏弯着腰，  说：你的脚怎么这样  要擦这个。  我说：用了 菱锌矿  阿爸说没用的是擦这个。  手指就把白白的膏涂在红红的蚊子叮上 脚伸出时想到了耶稣洗使徒的脚。  过后折的卡片，  一张张成为我给同学的祝福。    

For some reason, every time I reflected that I am becoming more extroverted, the immediate reaction was to deny, like being an extrovert is a bad development. I have indeed developed my ability to be extroverted from having to interact with so many people all day everyday (an exaggeration: I'd be hiding at home now if it were so). Wanted to write this down before I sleep (strangely buzzing-awake, without caffeine, probably the itch from the multiple mosquito bites on my feet?!). Reflections from interactions. 1. Dignity I realised that perhaps it is not the act of asking money or saying that one is poor that robs one of dignity, or accepting financial help even. Perhaps it is the value and meaning we place on money. Why is it so 'shameful' that I am less well-off? Does that make me more coarse? Perhaps. But ultimately I think it boils down to what/whom we based our dignity on. I have grown to not be ashamed of my humble(ish) background, especially when interacting wi...