Stepping into 30's, into Marriage

 Saturday. Day 2 of the second quarter in 2024. 

On Leap Day I had a thought- Is my life inspiring to the young ones looking at me as an example of adulting, i.e. living out life on this side of heaven? Do I inspire through my hope and zest for life- to pass the baton of light I'd received from the generation of believers before me?

I wonder. 

Every so often I am struck with a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction at how my life is panning out. In the sense of wondering if I have been doing what I am supposed to do. (There is no resolution in this post by the way, unless I arrive at one while typing)

After kind of waffling my time away on IG story- there's something that tells me to STOP yet something in me kept scrolling, not wanting to face whatever feelings I am in right now- I finally turned on my laptop to work on a new journal article. 

Perhaps I am burnt out? From facing my research after a good dang 4 years.. with the end being so terribly drawn out. At this point, I seriously don't see a whole lot of meaning in a journal article, seeing it as empty chatter to have my name put out there. If I were to do it, it'd largely be out of wanting that byline or citation to put on my profile pages. 

"Ideas can change the world" - that was my 出发点, and what sustained me through the PhD. Believing that as the kingdom of God is likened to a mustard seed, the smallest seed of all, ideas can shape how we live and move and have our being. As with the beautiful conception of the gospel that transforms everything. 


I kind of feel encouraged again. Perhaps I had to face the frustration of not being in control of MY thesis, but then again, the thesis is indeed better because of the comments. I'd probably just lost the essence of what was good about the thesis and its ideas/ideals. 

30's. Marriage. Life together. I do feel anxiety bubbling up as with perennial overthinkers like me. And oh the sense of ennui.. I need eyes to see. Seeing that God You see me, fully known in You. Seeing how You work as we limp along.