chronicles of young

It's the third day knowing that I have been accepted into the PhD programme (i.e. I'm getting a bit nervous about having to make a clear decision soon). I thank God for watercolour; I usually lapse into thinking about God as an impersonal Being, but painting creation- the sky, mountains, seas, vast expanses- helps me to remember again that God knows the whole of me and I know Him too. 18 Jan 站在大海边，才发现自己有多渺小， 而又发现，我是伟大神 拣选的。 19 Jan 往前看那前头的路程 你世世代代做我们的居所 你使人归于尘土 叫我们数算自己的日子 得着智慧的心 It is really amazing looking at this because I'd initially wanted to paint a horse, but screwed up so I had to paint something over it. A tent because I'd just read about Jesus at the Feast of Tabernacles, and also Mongolians use gers. Later on, next to 奶奶 and thinking about going away, Psalm 90 came to mind. And so this watercolour took on a whole different meaning for me. Where do I go from here? Pondering on how things will be for my family, a thought which I...

"Inilah perkerjaan yang dikehendaki Allah iaitu supaya kamu percaya kepada Dia yang diutus-Nya." Yahya 6:29 Started off 2019 sick (from the 2 back-to-back camps in the last week of 2018), and unsure of where I'm heading in life for the new year. Of course, one can say that years, weeks and months are human constructs. I believe God has given us the gift of different seasons so that we can be refreshed and renewed- in vision and direction. This can be seen in nature anyway. The picture above is going to be an anchor for 2019- to follow Jesus in saying "I do nothing of my own will, but do the will of the Father." (John 6:38) I sense this year is going to have quite a bit of sacrifices- was that why God spoke much more clearly?- and yet, there is excitement and anticipation in this apprehension.

Well I'm also happy for this part in my life too, though its really quite scary/tiring to experience barely controlled tears. How do you feel? The question I train myself to ask my clients, the same question that is so hard to answer. Both because its legit hard to describe feelings, and uncomfortable to answer. I sense that this time, there cannot be quick answers or resolutions to the tangle inside. 好像在和自己玩冒险游戏。But the irony is, this risk is to take with people. To make myself known , to give and to ( highlights ) receive . How to do that without getting burnt-out or self-centred is something that bewilders me. I just had a conversation with Mum about my menstrual cramps. 我的 team 现在很复杂 , I say as an explanation for the increased work stress cited as a reason for the cramps. Before I could continue, she jumped in to say 我的工作那边才复杂啊！ and proceeds to say more about her work.  When that happened I thought  Oh. This is how I feel unlistened to and it could re...

剪一片云拽着，纪念曾珍惜的， 就此远去了，但是心还悬着 怪怪的忧伤。而这歌词正唱出了心声。 Sometimes I reflect that social workers must either be superhuman, or robotic in order to function. To use the self as a professional, be fully congruent, yet not allow the self's experience and emotions to spill over. It is a wistful kind of sadness- delayed and projected grieves mingled with the joy of knowing these people and God. (Much as I can value independence and fun at the expense of others, my top primary goods are relationships and purpose okay.) Anyways, right after I typed this during lunch I had a session with a youth whom I basically said "Sorry social workers are not superhuman I can't read your thoughts" when he expressed that he sometimes wished I could just read his mind. And he complimented me twice: (1) For expressing how people cope with emotions through their own means even if it is a stupid way to others (e.g. self-harm), and (2) For being the first person to not focus on school, whi...

This morning I read a rabbi's commentary on Chiune Sugihara- The Japanese Man Who Saved 6,000 Jews With His Handwriting . Deep emotions that cannot be expressed in words welled up into tears as what this man did was stored in my heart, the same heart that knows it is far from such (if his deeds sprung from faith) prophetic imagination. He brings to mind a tree. And a tree has been planted in memory of him at the Yad Vashem Holocaust Museum so it is fitting. He brings to mind a verse. "He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers." (Psalms 1:3)

"May God bless you with a restless discomfort about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart. May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for justice, freedom, and peace among all people. May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy. May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able, with God’s grace, to do what others claim cannot be done." 不是莫名的感动，而是因 神而感动。The past 3 days at The Oikos have been nostalgic, somewhat convicting but more reminding of my vision. Especially when B. excitedly reminded me that we had first met on the streets when ...

在飞云之下 我看着海峡 走月光沙滩 我也承认我还是会想他 且慢 前面听说风很大 在飞云之下 以为忘了的家 在耳里说话 叫我别烦心那些痛与怕 喔 半路上的我 穿上回忆和风沙 I was 30 mins late for work because I lost track of time venting through the pastels btw. There is really that delinquent side of me that screams F**K THIS ALL!!! some times. Yet, even as I started on this and reflected on how much better I felt- I could hear Mr Rogers' fatherly voice saying: Only you know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. You can talk about your feelings to people you love. 前面风很大，还没有比我的 神大。 23 Sep It would be a lie to say that I am good. My soul is affected by these happenings, though I am surprised that I am surprised at how these could ever happen. I broke on Monday when the sheer yearning for God's perfected kingdom combined with the deep realisation of how broken I am, how broken the team is, how broken the organisation is. That was a good beautiful kind of brokenness I guess. More often than not, the hardness of heart and pride wraps up the G...