chronicles of young

There is a lament I hear it's weeping Rising from my chest It is the lament of a discriminated,  downtrodden people It is the lament of the wounded helpers, It is the lament of those who have lost loved ones It is the lament of a woman trying to prove herself There is lament, LORD "I am here." "I am here." "Know that I am here."

The initial post title was 'Repressed Tears' but it sounds too negative which isn't how I am feeling, though I am not feeling good. This beautiful words and drawing from brilliant Charlie Macksey is something I returned to today, and it brought tears in my eyes again, as at each time I went back to it. Decided to be very gentle with myself, which isn't common at all. This is especially hard to do ever since I started on the PhD journey/living by myself overseas, because being gentle = falling apart in tears for awhile and not being able to function at work. (Oh so thankful that I am home, a safe physical environment) On a positive note, I think I have become more attuned with my emotions so that instead of auto-repressing these emotions as in the past (without even realising). And I have b0bear to thank, even though he is also very much why I am writing this in the first place haha. Perhaps I have to also remember that I need to be gentle with myself so that I can...

Hey!  I was thinking about adulting (lol yes I am not quite over the fact that I am an adult, and have to say that I am in my late-20s gah) over breakfast yesterday. And since it was your birthday, my thoughts as a birthday gift of sorts haha! Was just mulling how I got a bit anxious about wasted time cos I woke up at 12pm, and then it hit me that it was stemming from the belief that I need to make things work. Like somehow, as an adult, the stakes are higher- don't waste time cos if I do, I will lose out or the world will be a lesser place etc. Perhaps adulthood got a bit burdensome because it felt like the stakes/risks are progressively higher; and it is not okay to fail. Like, don't 'waste time' with this guy if you are not gonna marry him, or I've gotta make my PhD work else I'll be wasting my time. Or I've gotta care about this social issue because its my role as an adult who has the resources to help. Haha not sure if I'm making sense but anyway ...

A bike is also youth Ke mana? Stop where? Beams of glee To be at safe distance Absorbing Vit D Albeit with some dissonance (The Shoppes is empty and Aunty is masked up) It is sad beautiful Such lovely yellow Amidst this They will come again next year, yes He went into the sea Is he bathing Or is he swimming? The best of times The worst of times

"我祈禱擁有一顆透明的心靈 和會流淚的眼睛"  <夜空中最亮的星> The rest of the lyrics are unrelated; just putting this song here also as a sound memory for the precious times on the road in KL, talking about random stuffs over Chinese songs. The beauty of carefree youth :') But just as the 14-day stay home after the KL trip reminds me that things aren't about me, I know that it's childishly unloving to remain in the rose-tinted memories of past adventures. Yet, I believe that this adventure-loving, foolhardy part of me has also been very helpful in pushing me to just try something, as long I believed in it enough at the start. But playing on a harder mode each time, God. Let my heart of worship be there when all is stripped away, and I feel like the end of myself. Almost a quarter of 2020 gone. Somehow I feel like this year is so much more trying than all the other years I can remember in my life. I felt like I had lost a bit of that excited, risk-taking self, and in its...

"Hevel, hevel, everything is utterly hevel" - book of Ecclesiastes Hevel is a Hebrew word which refers to vapor or smoke, rendering it in this context the dual meanings of ephemeral and a mystery/paradox. Questioning the meaninglessness of things, yet wanting 'real purpose' for my life, I went to the book of Ecclesiastes. The above has been in Draft mode since early December 2019, and now it is 2020. With much trepidation and an unusual amount of dread, I face the future of 2020. I guess that is made worse by the slew of Instagram posts welcoming 2020 but that is a separate issue about social comparison. Yet today's meetup with the Exco girls though filled with pregnant silences at times when we sit (I think) in our own musings about our lives, was soul-strengthening in a way, and I am reminded of the beauty of fellowship- grace that holds me fast 'amidst life's fearful path'. I am grateful for vision to be lifted, for validation in a way. Tha...

Stand with HK is something that has been stuck with me in the past few months here. Not in the same meaning that has been used by the protesters, but rather my own making sense of what is happening here to a beloved city I would even call my second home. Today as I was heading back (early before the bloody clash by yet another providence, otherwise I feel like it would be too much to bear in this time), there were armed policemen at Kowloon Tong MTR. Seeing them was enough to make me feel very tense and troubled- something was going to happen. Perhaps I am weak (that is what maybe Satan dupes me to believe), so I may try to reason within myself that it is okay, I haven't seen the most violent and inhuman of things. Going back to Stand with HK , in my stronger moments and at the end of those desperate-despairing 'Maybe I should go home' , I feel like bearing witness to this, caring about the people and the city, is what I can do. Actually I can do nothing. The comple...