chronicles of young

More reflections in the face of looming deadline (15 Aug, and actually I can plead 1 week extension or not submit the 'best', will get to that later on) + fast BPM and tense shoulders, locked left jaw signaling anxiety. I feel sorry to my body- "Thank you for sticking in it through in there"- I hope my body receives this. Feels a bit like bad time management to be writing this in the face of work- but I know it works, and I lean into the part of me that sees that my 'success' thus far has been to do what might seem counter-intuitive. On top of the emotional turbulence from the conflict and consequent perception of relationship fall-out that I am trying to calm (not too badly), yesterday I had to meet with a young child in emotional distress. Asking God why lol, does He really think I have the capacity to deal with all these? I will have the eventual victory; He is sovereign through it all- waiting on this. He was crying so hard, the fight for connection I felt...

 I realised I felt sad through the praise offering songs- the poignant lyrics made me cry. Yearning for the day without strife and striving amidst this world of evil and sin- crying on the stories shared yesterday, crying on how we fought over what is supposedly (and is, I guess) a good thing of serving others. Perhaps more crying on the dis-shalom that is our task, and yet the helplessness we have in our own puny strength and weak natures.  "God, I need strength to sing a new song"- halfway through singing my voice trailed off- I felt so weak to sing a fresh praise and trust into the situation, believing that God is truly working all things for good and that hope will be realized. After this phase of realising I felt sad, moved on to anger (haha musing whether this is stage-wise thing like grief). I feel angry! Angry thoughts about the situation and maybe at myself for "not being able to say certain things to rebutt" in that instance. Seems like the inner adult is ...