This week has been one of tensed shoulders, little sleep, anxiety, distressing thoughts at whether I might be developing anxiety issues or being able to cope with the year ahead or how people will see me or whether I am going to do anything worthwhile.

Standing at the edge of it on the other side, I want to look back and remember. Sorry if this post quite hard to read because I am actually going to finish this up asap so that I can spend more time alone with God. (Perhaps that is also one reason for the anxiety- I am a worrier I realised, needing to make sure I am things ahead in control)

I get quite distressed reading the news. I want to move on, but at the same time I cannot because these are lives. The 80000 Mexicans that died through the violent drug wars are lives.I think, they are probably not saved. And so I cry out... and I feel like there's so much to do but I am so weak. Even prayer and intercession, I struggle with that for these people I read in the news. So I am fearful of opening the newspapers.

This week I was also fearful of turning on my data. Distressing to see the messages, calling for my attention. Cognitive bandwidth and social competency felt like they were things I was lacking in. I need to talk to people, to the VCFers, to get my thoughts across, to build relationships. Thinking about all these, I felt like imploding.You know, a super power I wish I have is to be able to say the right word to a person at the right time. To be able to carry on conversations. Even to remember names and what people are studying/year they are in. Too much for me. Which led me to feel like my mind is underdeveloped.

At the back of my head are my family and friends whom I need to spend time with.


I guess, underlying all these is fear. And the lack of trust in God. One truth that I need to speak back to myself: He holds all things together, child of God. The world is His. "We cannot make or unmake the world because it is not ours." (Brueggemann: Living Toward A Vision, 1990)

The terrorists, child abusers, rapists, and whatever brokenness out there, they cannot unmake the world. I have no need for anxious fretting and agonising about what I can do, what I should do.

I still have questions: How then do I live my life? Do I concern myself only with people around me (which I am not that good with either)? It's a journey... You who will be at the end shining brighter than the sun, full of joy and goodness, You are worth it Lord. This is also something to speak back to myself.