freshie again

In all honesty I remembered being quite sian during the ExCo meeting when they decided that I should be the ex-officio for the freshmen orientation camp. At that point I was like gah, I need to go attend all their meetings and stuff.

Today's QT reading really spoke to me- king Hezekiah's prayer after his illness and recovery in Isaiah 38. The themes of God not answering when you cry out, God being the one who afflicts, God working in ways so contrary to who He says He is, and a man's anguish at all this.

"I waited patiently till dawn, but like a lion he broke all my bones; day and night you made an end of me" (v13)

"But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and he himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too." (v15-16a)

"Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish" (v17a)

There was a breakthrough during this camp, I am sure of it.

During the altar call yesterday, I felt a tugging. Initially I didn't want to go up, because I felt quite self-conscious to be publicly declaring my commitment. But there was that familiar thumping in my heart when God wants me to do something. And I thought: is this not what the community is for, to support one another in pledging and maintaining our allegiances? I didn't really want to be prayed for because I didn't really want to share I realised. Another part of me was struggling with trust and also, I knew that what I was going to commit myself to required much boldness. Boldness to stand alone, to be in the dark space, to love, to communicate my inmost thoughts (or even try hah), to be this person and yet not be proud. So there were many things and I'm not that good with verbal expressions so I didn't want to share and not be understood.

But I responded- I thought that I should at least give this a try. The song was Alabaster Jar which was a song that was already on my heart for some time.

"This time that I have left is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet, Lord, it's less than You deserve
And though I've little strength, and though my days are few"
It encapsulates what I feel as a year 4; after all the experiences I have had- there is still something I want to do, Lord.

I have shared with many people how I heard a clear authoritative voice "Remember your vision", some time after I accepted the role of Outreach Coordinator. Over the past 2 months I have frequently pondered what that means. Through this camp and also last night's meeting with the hostel chairs and faculty OCs I think I see it clearly now. Or as clear as it can be.

Interacting with the freshies over these past 3.5 days, I am reminded of what I hoped to do in NUS as a freshie. The burdens, the dreams that I had, the places that I have been led to, the people that I have known- somehow during my third year they felt like disparate things that I have done- and it got me thinking: what exactly have I done? They ceased to have meaning to me and I felt it, especially when I shared about CASA.Perhaps I have lost that boldness to dream/hope that I had as a freshie.

You amaze me, Lord. Up till the morning of Day 1 in camp I was still really really lethargic spiritually. At that time I was reading Brueggemann's Living Towards A Vision and feeling crappy. Because on one hand I understood completely what he was talking about, this shalom which God has called us to bring about in this world; and yet I just cannot see myself doing it. Guess the lack of trust also drains hope.

Thank you, dear Abba. I will remember my vision. Remind me if I ever lose sight of it.