Inner Child Memories

Inspired by watching Tam Wai Jia's reels- honestly really inspired and also a little envious. Kind of like 'having it all', but I know I am just focusing on the processed pieces that she shared and not the sufferings/trials she had been through to arrive at these pieces. The truth is, God has also given me pearls that are used to bless others and glorify Him through my life experiences. I felt a quiet welling of tears when I took in the reels about how she processed with her children. And her reminding that if we didn't have this safe emotional space as a kid, we can heal and change the pattern 💛 Providentially, I had also been thinking about my inner child since an IG post about it.

 

So even though its work hours, I want to give myself the time and space to write things down to process. Knowing that I have mostly followed the pattern of pushing past my emotions to achieve goals, after which I may lose passion or sight of what I really want. (Thinking back on my first year in HK, handling the relationship and PhD through forcing myself to sleep and wake up to push through with work. The results and even process may be what the world seeks, perhaps by the enemy's desire to rob joy.) But no longer do I want to follow old patterns, even if they had 'worked' to get me here today. By divine grace and gifting. Writing down significant memories from childhood where I believe I first experienced those deep-seated emotions that were not given space to express and thus repressed.

 

Kindergarten outing to Snow City: I was dressed in thick clothing and walking with Mum to kindergarten. Pretty sure I felt uncomfortable but didn’t voice out. Overheard passerby commenting on how hot I must be. Child felt both ashamed (is this projected from Mum?) and validated by this stranger

• Shame at being 'stupid', the odd one out. Not voicing out about how I feel
• Now that I can voice out better, I need to work on the shame bit so that I am able to voice out in a way that honours myself, the other, and God

 

Own room and sleeping alone: I remember when I was P1, my bed and things were moved into Nainai's room. Vague memory of smiling brother, playing with him. Child felt sad and scared, also confused. Why would my brother hurt me? Also, remember feeling so scared about the ghosts/spirits that I thought I would not be able to sleep and parents responded by telling me to go back to sleep. I don’t think I was able to voice out how fearful I was and what caused the fear. I ended up attempting to sleep on the floor next to their bed, and I can't remember if I was scolded. But I know after that I'd say goodnight to my dad/mum and feel okay, only for fear to grip me moments after they leave.

Consolation: It pushed me towards Christ. Holding onto the cross tightly (literally, it was a keychain given to me) I thought on what I knew about God.

• Protectiveness from potential possible hurt which stopped relationship building
• Heartache and helplessness as a child from not being understood and attended to.. I guess my response was to largely stay closed up for most part of my childhood to university days, till I met people whom I could start trusting because they pursued me and gave the safe space
• Family pattern of being okay on the surface and showing only 'acceptable' emotions to my parents, dealing with things on my own

 

I often feel that tinge of resentment when I watch these reels. Thinking back on what Cheryl (my first counsellor) said about my mum not being able to show empathy or relate in the way I wanted. That was helpful to the extent of showing how it was not from lack of love. However, I want to acknowledge now that this was not helpful in speaking to my hurt inner child. For a long time, I spoke the words Cheryl said to myself and even shared that with others, but that isn't the whole truth.

 

I needed that safe emotional space, to be helped as a child to process those big feelings. I am worthy of that, because the Father delights to provide for His children to grow them as His creation. My mum is worthy of that too. I must not confuse life under the sun for shalom, what should be, even though our experiences are overwhelmingly like 'life under the sun' and experiences of shalom are often short-lived. Thankful for this epiphany put into words, to counter the discomfort from saying I am worthy.

 

For in another sense, I am utterly unworthy. For the Father to bestow riches and grace. Yet I lean into the sacrifice of His Son to make us worthy to be His children and thus receive these. And also rejoice that God is gracious to make His sun rise on both the wicked and the good, and send rain on the just and on the unjust (Matt 5:45).

 Edit: Another memory that helps me to make peace too. Dad used to mention how he sprained his back because brother insisted on being carried. Perhaps he wasn't able to talk through with the child and yet chose to show love in this way. 

Don't know who is going to read this (maybe myself in the future), but hope it helps 💛