PhD rant

Uninhibited bitching about my internal examiners especially the chair lol.

Idk if this is gonna make me feel better and I also want to qualify that I do see validity in their points (some of them). Yesterday I made a memo about seeing their comments as invaluable in improving my work and that I can use them to grow professionally in how to take feedback constructively... But today I am feeling indignant again as I try to work on their comments. 

Ask me how I feel after the viva, I feel disappointment, weariness, even shame. These feelings were all masked by my tiredness from not having enough physical rest, and also the positive aspect that was well-meaningly emphasised. 

But gosh. Thinking back about how the two internal examiners reacted to my responses to their incessant drilling made me feel so shameful and unworthy, and now I feel very angry toward them. Especially when I try to work on their comments, and I feel like HELLO I have already put some of these points down, did you not read?! I keep having flashbacks after how the Chair was like jumping on her chair and exclaiming 'Ya this is what I mean' when examiner A made a point. And examiner A looking at the Chair after I responded to her question with the expression of 'I don't understand what she is saying'. Like what the heck... 

I think what was traumatic was the sense that I am speaking a different language at those points. And so its like... Is it me?? Am I so bad at communicating in this thesis and in the viva that I didn't get the ideas across? Another angry indignant part, the part that is protective of my work, is also like 'Well, this is new. This is an area that is new to you but I am rightfully more expert than you. If PhD is about producing new knowledge and all, then you should be open to how I do things.'

Okay anyway I agree there is a lot I can do to improve on my communication. New things need clarity for readers, and I have been on the critical reader side too. 

Maybe I am just in the stressed mode, plus also feeling grossly indignant and not-/misunderstood with other important relationships too. And now I feel like crying lol. I hope my supervisor doesn't encourage me to question my findings of which I am fairly confident I have been critically thinking about, before these stupid viva interactions. 

One day I will look back at this.. it shall pass.